My moms driving me crazy

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So I figured this was a more appropriate place to post things. I posted this text under, "Hating family gatherings this year" So it started with me getting nervous over family gatherings and being exhausted from work and now its just spiraling into disappointing and being a disgrace to my mom.

So its the holiday seasons and there are many family gatherings. For me, I keep dreading the oh so, "what are you doing now that you have graduated" question. I don't handle that question well, I don't have a solid answer, its a confusing non-straight forward thing that gets complicated right now. I don't have a good job that's presentable, I feel ashamed and unaccomplished about myself. Other then that, I have to drag through the family gathering which gets boring and I get irritated. I don't know if this is an aspie thing, I don't socialize well if its not on my own terms. If I'm forced to be there, I wont socialize. If I'm there on my own terms, I can socialize ok. There are more family gatherings and I have one tomorrow where my relatives are a bunch of judgmental overachievers. I don't want to go, I know I should have purposely scheduled my work over it. My mom is starting to get more and more irritated with me because I've been so "sour". The depression doesn't help either. It's apparent that my normal stare already makes me look depressed. And now I actually am a bit depressed now, gosh I must look like I'm in chronic depression.

Its getting worse, my moms very mad at me for not being cooperative at family gatherings. Its starting to feel pretty f**ed up. I've been very depressed lately and I can't mentally pull through when she wants me to. I can only pull through substantially when I'm I guess we can say "on top of my game". She's been making me feel more and more miserable which doesn't help at all. Her dissatisfaction is starting to drive me crazy to the point where I don't want to go to the family gatherings even more. Its just starting to become a spiral. She probably just thinks I'm being a disgrace to my relatives at this point.

I feel like when ever someone tries to push me to act or be a certain way, it never works. I wish my mom would just accept that I cannot please her. I think this has more to do with the image of the family. I becoming a disgrace to the family. I dont want to go to the family gatherings yet they are still going to make me. Shes trying to say its about being happy during the holiday season, this is not making me happy yet she cannot accept it.

She thinks she knows whats best for me. Idk if this is just a parent thing or is it partially an NT thing? For some reason NTs think they can relate to them and whats good for them is good for you. They don't realize how false that is.

Now that you are an adult you need to set boundries in your life style, both personal, and business. Your family is still treating you as a child, and as such, you are expected to attend all the family gatherings, and behave like a good little child, or be hassled for not behaving well. From now on, just pick the gatherings you wish to attend. Pass on those you don't wish to go to. Just tell who ever asks, either that you have other plans on that day, or that you don't feel up to it, and either change the subject or politely end the conversation. As for your mother, you need to sit down with her on some non-gathering day, and tell her nicely that you are a grown-up now, and have personal interests and needs of your own. Tell her that one of those personal things is that you are not a social butterfly, so you will not be attending every single family get-together, but will attend those you feel up to going to. Remind her that no two people are alike, and that there is nothing wrong with not being a social butterfly. Tell her that when she gives you a hard time about this it makes you feel even less sociable, and less inclined to attend parties. Remind her that now you are grown up, she needs to respect your choices and your personal space. If your mother still hassles you, you will have to cut down on your contact with her, unless you live with her. That can make things worse. I know from personal experience. Fortunately, I now live alone, and don't ever want to live with any one again.

It will take a while for your mother and other family members to accept your differences, and to respect your grown up self. I had problems with relatives at parties when I was a young adult, too. The older women kept hassling me about "Did I have a boyfriend yet?" and "When are you going to get married?" I am the hermit type, and never wanted a boyfriend or to get married, and told them so every time they asked, but they kept insisting that I would change my mind. I never did and am still single in my 50s. I know most people want to have romantic relationships and many want to eventually get married, but singlehood was the right choice for me.

I have often been hassled by family members about many other things as well, including not wanting to socialize. They also criticise my eating habits and other things, too. I found it was best to limit contact with them. I do see them, talk with them on the phone and do emails, but not as much as they want. I need my "space" and am too uncomfortable with too much contact, even with family members.

As for your future plans, when any one asks, just tell them the truth--you don't know yet, but are going over your options, and will let them know once you know.

I hope it doesn't take too long for your family to accept you as you are, and I hope things aren't too rough for you in the meantime. Some people may never come around, so you will have to accept that they are going to be difficult. Again, you may want to limit contact with those people. Just tell them all that you are:

A Different Drummer

If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
Perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears,
However measured or far away.

--Henry David Thoreau

Thanks for the advice, unfortunetly me not going to the family gatherings is not an option. Somehow I have to tell her if she wants me to be cooperative during a family gathering, don't upset me before the gathering. I didnt end up going to this one because I was so upset and my mom couldn't put up with me anymore.



I live with her right now. When i was away in college, the problems cut down very substantially because our contact was restricted to a 20-30 min phone call once every 1-2 weeks and that worked well. I remember there was a time I was afraid I wasnt gonna graduate in time and I know if I would have been at home during that time, it would have been hell. Yeah it seems that NTs dont seem to understand that what is good for them is not always good for someone else. No two people are alike, so true. It seems whenever NTs try to emphasize with me, theres an offness with the empathy. She doesn't respect my choices, shes always skeptical. She got so mad at me because I would not take what she had to say.



Thank you so much for that one. I dont know why I did not think of that myself. Thanks for the advice.