bullies and tough guys

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What's with all these people acting like bullies and tough guys on the internet? Everywhere on the internet. This is supposed to be a support website and yet I still see so many callous and aggressive posts. It's not a rare thing. It's just the norm. You expose weakness in the form of sadness or anger and you're likely to have someone swoop in and give a brusk, insensitive reply. It doesn't matter how deserving one is of their emotional state nor how articulately they express themselves, there's still vultures waiting in queue. I cringe and get upset even when I'm not the person being attacked.

Now I'm not unaware enough to understand why this attitude is more prevalent on the internet than real life. That much is clear. I am, however,a bit concerned about how this reflects on people in general. But that's not necessarily the point of this post.

People are quick to project superiority/maturity/tough love out of narcissistic interest. You know the type, internet tough guys. "first world problems", "you're not entitled to _NOUN_", "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" etc.etc. This bollocks drowns out anything else on forums anymore. It just gets worse as time goes by. I've lurked the internet for nearly a decade and I still get surprised by the depths of subtle depravity that saturates people's interactions over the internet.

In fact this very post is subject to a dismissive reply. It's subject to misunderstanding and poor reading comprehension and ill-thought out advice. Or perhaps even being completely ignored.

It's gotten so bad that every time I post anything anywhere on the internet that isn't meant solely for the purpose of humour, I instinctively cringe before reading the replies because I just know somebody is going to belittle me, make light of my problems, misunderstand my post, project haughty superiority etc.

So one may ask why I continue to post on the internet. Among other things, I believe it helps widen my perspective since I have the ability to communicate with people candidly who live all sorts of different lives. But unfortunately any of them find it hard to understand anyone else's life but their own. But I'm starting to get the feeling that it's actually negatively warping my view of reality since all of these people tend to act tougher than they actually are, and this makes me feel like more of a wuss in relationship to my own life. But then again maybe these people really are that tough and I really am a wuss! It's hard to tell. Maybe if somebody was really just a paragon of sagacity they could help me piece together an accurate picture of human experience.

(But I'm just a college student in the first world whining on the internet. So feel free to act more mature than me, I promise I will be impressed.)

A Warm Fuzzy Tale
by Claude M. Steiner
Once upon a time, a long time ago, there lived two happy people called Tim and Maggie with their two children, John and Lucy. To understand how happy they were you have to understand how things were in those days.
You see in those happy days everyone was given a small, soft Fuzzy Bag when born. Any time a person reached into this bag they were able to pull out a Warm Fuzzy. Warm Fuzzies were very much in demand because whenever someone was given a Warm Fuzzy it made them feel warm and fuzzy all over.
In those days it was very easy to get Warm Fuzzies. Anytime that somebody felt like it, he might walk up to you and say, "I'd like to have a Warm Fuzzy." You would then reach into your bag and pull out a Fuzzy the size of a child’s hand. As soon as the Fuzzy saw the light of day it would smile and blossom into a large, shaggy, Warm Fuzzy. When you laid the Warm Fuzzy on the person's head, shoulder or lap it would snuggle up and melt right against their skin and make them feel good all over.
People were always asking each other for Warm Fuzzies, and since they were always given freely, getting enough of them was never a problem. There were always plenty to go around, and so everyone was happy and felt warm and fuzzy most of the time.
One day a bad witch who made salves and potions for sick people became angry because everyone was so happy and feeling good and no one was buying potions and salves. The witch was very clever and devised a very wicked plan. One beautiful morning while Maggie was playing with her daughter the witch crept up to Tim and whispered in his ear,
"See here, Tim, look at all the Fuzzies that Maggie is giving to Lucy. You know, if she keeps it up she is going to run out and then there won't be any left for you!"
Tim was astonished. He turned to the witch and asked, "Do you mean to tell me that there isn't a Warm Fuzzy in our bag every time we reach into it?".
And the witch answered, "No, absolutely not, and once you run out, that's it. You don't have any more." With this the witch flew away on a broom, laughing and cackling all the way.
Tim took this to heart and began to notice every time Maggie gave away a Warm Fuzzy. He got very worried because he liked Maggie's Warm Fuzzies very much and did not want to give them up. He certainly did not think it was right for Maggie to be spending all her Warm Fuzzies on the children and other people.
Tim began to complain or sulk when he saw Maggie giving Warm Fuzzies to somebody else, and because Maggie loved him very much, she stopped giving Warm Fuzzies to other people as often, and reserved most of them for him.
The children watched this and soon began to get the idea that it was wrong to give Warm Fuzzies any time you were asked or felt like it. They too became very careful. They would watch their parents closely and whenever they felt that one of their parents was giving too many Fuzzies to others, they felt jealous and complained and sometimes even had a tantrum. And even though they found a Warm Fuzzy every time they reached into their bag they began to feel guilty whenever they gave them away so they reached in less and less and became more and more stingy with them.
Before the witch, people used to gather in groups of three, four or five, never caring too much who was giving Warm Fuzzies to whom. After the coming of the witch, people began to pair off and to reserve all their Warm Fuzzies for each other, exclusively. When people forgot to be careful and gave a Warm Fuzzy to just anybody they worried because they knew that somebody would probably resent sharing their Warm Fuzzies.
People began to give less and less Warm Fuzzies, and felt less warm and less fuzzy. They began to shrivel up and, occasionally, people would even die from lack of Warm Fuzzies. People felt worse and worse and, more and more, people went to the witch to buy potions and salves even though they didn't really seem to work.
Well, the situation was getting very serious indeed. The bad witch who had been watching all of this didn't really want the people to die (since dead people couldn't buy his salves and potions), so a new plan was devised.
Everyone was given, free of charge, a bag that was very similar to the Fuzzy Bag except that this one was cold while the Fuzzy Bag was warm. Inside of the witch's bag were Cold Pricklies. These Cold Pricklies did not make people feel warm and fuzzy; in fact they made them feel cold and prickly instead. But the Cold Pricklies were better than nothing and they did prevent peoples' backs from shriveling up.
So, from then on, when somebody asked for a Warm Fuzzy, people who were worried about depleting their supply would say, "I can't give you a Warm Fuzzy, but would you like a Cold Prickly instead?"
Sometimes, two people would walk up to each other, thinking they maybe they could get a Warm Fuzzy this time, but one of them would change his mind and they would wind up giving each other Cold Pricklies instead. So, the end result was that people were not dying anymore but a lot of people were very unhappy and feeling very cold and prickly indeed.
The situation got very complicated since the coming of the witch because there were fewer and fewer Warm Fuzzies around and Warm Fuzzies which used to be free as air, became extremely valuable.
This caused people to do all sorts of things in order to get Warm Fuzzies. People who could not find a generous partner had to buy their Warm Fuzzies and had to work long hours to earn the money.
Some people became "popular" and got a lot of Warm Fuzzies without having to give any back. These people would then sell their Warm Fuzzies to people who were "unpopular" and needed them to feel that life was worth living.
Another thing which happened was that some people would take Cold Pricklies--which were everywhere and freely available-and coated them white and fluffy so that they almost looked like Warm Fuzzies. These fake Warm Fuzzies were really Plastic Fuzzies, and they caused additional problems.
For instance, two or more people would get together and freely give each other Plastic Fuzzies. They expected to feel good, but they came away feeling bad instead. People got very confused never realizing that their cold, prickly feelings were because they had been given a lot of Plastic Fuzzies.
So the situation was very, very dismal and it all started because of the coming of the witch who made people believe that some day, when least expected, they might reach into their Warm Fuzzy Bag and find no more.
Not long ago, a young woman with big hips came to this unhappy land. She seemed not to have heard about the bad witch and was not worried about running out of Warm Fuzzies. She gave them out freely, even when not asked. They called her the Hip Woman and disapproved of her because she was giving the children the idea that they should not worry about running out of Warm Fuzzies. The children liked her very much because they felt good around her and they began to follow her example giving out Warm Fuzzies whenever they felt like it.
This made the grownups very worried. To protect the children from depleting their supplies of Warm Fuzzies they passed a law. The law made it a criminal offense to give out Warm Fuzzies in a reckless manner or without a license. Many children, however, seemed not to care; and in spite of the law they continued to give each other Warm Fuzzies whenever they felt like it and always when asked. Because they were many, many children, almost as many as grown ups, it began to look as if maybe they would have their way.
As of now its hard to say what will happen. Will the grownups laws stop the recklessness of the children?
Are the grownups going to join with the Hip Woman and the children in taking a chance that there will always be as many Warm Fuzzies as needed?
Will they remember the days their children are trying to bring back when Warm Fuzzies were abundant because people gave them away freely ?
The struggle spread all over the land and is probably going on right were you live. If you want to, and I hope you do, you can join by freely giving and asking for Warm Fuzzies and being as loving and healthy as you can.

I try to do my best on this forum, and try to sympathize when I can.

@auntblabby: Amusing allegory. I do take it upon myself to be legitimately supporting to people both on the internet and in person.

@jamieevren1210: I've seen a couple dozen posts from you and never a harsh word out of you.

Human nature. Bad luck.

I don't see lot of those posts here to be honest. It's a possibility it's the way you are interpreting them or it's not their intent to be that way or I just haven't looked hard enough because I don't read everything here. Everywhere else online, people think just because it's the internet they think feelings don't matter so they don't care who they hurt. Most peoples social skills go out the door when they get behind the screen. They just think don't take the internet so darn seriously. Plus some of them use it as a place to blow off steam and take it out on others when they have had a bad say at work or had an argument with their spouse so they think it's better doing it online than taking it out on people they really care about such as their kids or their husbands or wives or anyone they know in real life. That's why I don't think it's BS if any of them say they are nice people and how good they are because they may be that way in real life but online, they are dicks. They can be talking about real life when they describe their personalities and what kind of people they are.

There are people who are intentionally harsh or rude or rough and there are some who are unintentionally because they may not be good with tact or they are just honest or blunt because they don't sugar coat or tell people what they want to hear and it's hard to interpret tone online. Someone can write out a friendly reply and someone else who reads it can interpret it as the person being angry and harsh because of the way it's written. That's why we have all these smileys online for us to use to help avid misunderstandings but I find it hard to use them if I don't know how my post is going to sound to others. Only time I use smileys is when I think it's going to sound rude but it's not my intent so I may put a smile next to it so the person knows I am not trying to be rude or anything. I have also used other smileys them indicate a joke or sarcasm or when I think something is stupid. But then I myself have a hard time understanding what a smiley means so I don't know why I bother using them here sometimes. But I know not everyone here is hopeless at understanding them. I have even noticed that even NTs at Babycenter don't always understand them either.

I will say there have been some people here who are jerks and I don't care for what reason because a jerk is a jerk. I just find it funny they complain about people being jerks or complain about others making "snide" comments towards them when they are the ones who act like jerks themselves. It makes me wonder if they are unaware of their own behavior. If they think someone isn't being nice to them so they are mean back to them, they are jerks because they misinterpret peoples posts too much but to the rest of the folks on the forum, they just look like jerks. To me they look like jerks who have issues. So that is my reason for ignoring certain folks here. Also if I do see someone making a post and people give them replies and the person gets upset with the responses they get and I saw nothing to be upset about, I just think they are too sensitive and I end up thinking anything offends them so I may not reply to them at all and not talk to them. Same as if they are the sort of people who are easily upset with criticism or things they don't want to hear and they want to be told what they want to hear, I ignore them. With me it's either I say it or I don't, I won't sugar coat.

Also when people post here in The Haven and hardly get any responses, I always think it's because people don't have anything to say that would belong here so they say nothing at all or they don't know how to respond because it's in The Haven. I think this section is good for people who are feeling down on something or upset so they want to get responses that agree with them so they post here instead to avoid getting criticism. Sometimes I wish there was The haven for those who want honest replies when they are still feeling down but I guess that is what other sections are for when they want that. They can just put in their OP they don't want it in The Haven because they want honest replies, not be told what they think they want to hear or have it be sugar coated.

Well for example right now there's the thread in social skills and making friends about "bullycide".
And quite ironically people are being bullied there.

But in any case that was just something I saw right now. This isn't uncommon. Often times disagreements quickly go beyond discussion and turn into personal attacks. This is one of the better websites in terms of this but it still happens here.

I consider myself blunt, but I would never say some of the things I see posted that are given as serious replies to people's issues. In real life people get offended by me all the time because I say what I'm thinking. But I'm still blown away by how mean people are on the internet. There are certainly places that one shouldn't take seriously on the internet (yt comment section is a prime example) but then again why is it so hard to find somewhere on the internet that can be used as a support system.

I guess I'm trying to say that the issue is more serious than you're painting it.

Oy, I'm just rambling. I need coffee

caffeine's nice, but nitrous is twice as nice

The thing about the Internet versus a Bar:

If people stand around at a bar, at least they're obviously there to anyone who cares to count heads, being neutral or whatever.

On message boards or IMs or what-have-you, if someone doesn't react, they just aren't visible. Makes taking stock of a situation a bit different from real life.

Another thing about a lot of these negative, hurtful comments the OP is talking about, is that there is anonymity behind a keyboard, monitor and the internet. They probably wouldn't have the nerve to say things like that to someone IRL, face-to-face, but the anonymity of the internet gives them a way to be nasty to others without fear of negative consequences.