Sister and dad had fight this morning

Post Reply New Topic

I was dreaming, then I woke up. I pulled the kleenex out of my ear. My dad was changing my sister's toddler's diaper. He was acting up and fussing. My dad gave him some light whacks to his bottom. My sister woke up and told him she didn't want him spanked. She kept arguing with him, "why are you yelling at me, I just woke up." "Well, If you don't want him spanked, then you do your job as a parent." Things quieted down a bit, so I don't know what was said. I sat up in bed, contemplating what was transpiring in the family room, when my dad came in with his hands up, saying "I don't want to talk right now, If you're wondering, go out into the family room."

He used the bathroom and took a walk. About 15 minutes later, my little sister came in tearfully and handed her son over to me to watch him. She told me not to let my dad touch her kid. All in all, right now, she's making threats to hit my dad if he touches her kid, even if "she goes to jail."

I think there was another altercation just a few minutes ago. I heard some animated arguing or at least loud chatter out in the family room, then a slammed door. My dad told me he's leaving and not to call him unless its an emergency.

What really heightens my anxiety is that now she will probably expect me to do everything since she is mad at my dad.

I have to be honest, he has gotten difficult enough for me at a few points that I have lightly spanked him or flicked his hands and said "no."

I think its unfair. She expects us to watch him, but she's always mad. I want to tell her no, but I don't want to fight.
I am honestly ready to break off relations with her right now. But I'm too anxious and fearful to stand up to her and tell her no more babysitting her kid.

I wish this all was done. Why do I have one more semester before I get my bachelor's degree. I wish I'd never gone to college and just got a full-time job which paid enough to let me live on my own. I don't deserve this pain. I've been through 5 years of this crap with her and my dad fighting with each other. Her attitude makes me want to go nowhere near her most of the time. She take anything and make it into a huge fight.

Here's hoping for luck today... wish me plenty, I need it.

Yes, I wish you plenty and plenty of courage too to go to your diploma in better conditions.

Is your little sister living with you and your dad?
She must have been very young when she got pregnant.

Yeah, she lives with me and my dad and other sister. She's "run away" or tried to on several occasions. But, then again, what does "running away" mean when she just comes back. I've tried to tell my dad to kick her out, citing his prior threat about six years ago. But, he can't, owing to his concerns for "her child's well being" or because "I can't shirk my parental duties [to take care of her specifically]."

In response to your other statement, she was about 19. So, about 2 years and 4 months ago. The family had just moved back to Idaho, and I was attending my junior year of college. All I remember was secondhand statements from my dad and sister, and occasionally seeing her cuddling with the guy in the main room of the family apartment we were living in then. There were some other things she did that almost made the landlord evict us. She had a number of fights with my dad, and she told him to "go back to Japan." She called me and my other sister, "my dad's b----es." She got pregnant and there were more fights....

But, nothing ever really changes, it's always the same thing... things will calm down with her and then she will be at peace... then a while later, more fighting will break out.... I live my life based on what is going on with her son and her... He is usually in here at night, sleeping with my dad in his tiny twin bed. I share a room with my dad... Sometimes, more frequently recently, he has been brought in awake and I have had to finish putting him to sleep.

I really don't want to have kids.... this whole thing disgusts me and it heightens my anxiety issues... but, I'm not important. My feelings don't really matter.... everything belongs to her and her son.

You are important, too. Your feelings matter, too.

It does sound like your sister has anger issues, impatience issues, and probably a bunch of other issues as well! That is pointing out the obvious.

Is there a broader family you could call upon to help out? Kind of the idea 'takes a village to raise a child.' And no one person in particular is required to help out but they do a good thing if they do.

Good luck with this awkward situation. And good luck with your last semester for your bachelor's degree!

I see no point in putting up a new thread on the issue, since it has been a pretty tumultuous existence for me during the last 2 days. I mean, I enjoyed being alone and having free reign over my space and not having to take care of a baby. But yesterday morning until about 4:30 yesterday, I had horrible anxiety problems. All I could do was gag constantly (sometimes up chucking into my mouth), constantly ask hypothetical questions about what would happen when she came home, talk about what happened, look out the window at the sidewalk and drive way every other minute to see if her friend's car would pull in.

She came home briefly at 4:30 to get some food and other provisions for her kid, then left again. I went outside and cleaned the windows in the cold just to avoid her.

I tried to convince my dad that he should kick her out immediately and send her to a shelter. Still the "no, I can't in good conscience do that" answer. He doesn't really want to do anything right now. He seems very set on what
Both me and my other sister think my dad didn't do anything wrong. I even called my mom up and asked her about spanking. She said that she gave us kids spankings and we didn't turn out bad, that sometimes its necessary for correction and discipline. He essentially said he's willing to go to jail, get slapped around by her, or even die to maintain the current situation (although he didn't say it that way). He's become very fearful of touching her son now, and went out to the garage to cry and "say goodbye to [her son's name]." I'm afraid I'm going to have to take up all the responsibilities that he formerly did.

Around 12:25 today she returned home for good. She handed her son to me while she got stuff out of her friend's car. She asked me if my dad said anything negative about her while she was gone, and then went outside to retreive her stuff. She came back in and took her son, presumably to give him a bottle. She returned with him 15 minutes ago and put him in bed, telling me to "put him to sleep. Don't let Dad touch him."

My stomach feels like it is in my throat right now. I feel nervous and morose. I have no appetite. I woke up at 8:15 this morning, nervous about this moment (I did the same thing yesterday as well).

This is just getting to be too much for me. I want to take a walk, just get away from everything. What did I do to deserve this family.

It seems to me as though your sister regards you as her lackey. Unless you firmly tell her off, it will stay that way. You obviously can't rely on your father to keep your sister in check, so you'll have to take matter into your own hands. If you can't stand up to her, ignore her; make sure you're not in the house whenever she needs a babysitter. The brat's her responsibility, not yours.

I don't mean to criticize you, but you sound like a doormat. Unless you change your attitude, you'll sooner or later have to deal with people far more demanding than your sister.

I think you should start setting your boundries now. I would tell her that I wouldn't babysit unless asked at least a day in advance unless it was an emergency.

I would also talk to your dad and ask him to set some boundries with her as well, such as she is responsible for her own child. ie; sleep with him, get up and feed and change him, etc, unless prior arrangemets have been made. I would also suggest to him to hold her to it.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

I really recommend just being middle-of-the-road with your sister. If you're willing to help out with her son, just let her know your limits. If arguments happen, let them be less intense rather than more intense, if that is possible.

Even this week, use school (books, checking availability of other class), whatever brief, matter-of-fact excuse to get out of the house. I personally like semi-private areas to study, like a lesser used hallroom on the second floor of the social sciences building, still enough people around so that it feels safe, but not so many that it's sensory overload. You may have your own methods.

You will get a job, this economy it may take a while, or it may drop into your lap the very first good place you apply (accept the zen gift if it happens ) If you can swing it, might want to get okay job now. The theory that it's easier to find a job with a job, even if it is a nonprofessional job. I have a hard time doinig full-time school and working any hours, but you may be able to. Plus, another golden excuse to get the heck out of the house.

And, by the way, I think you gave your Dad a gift. By taking a hard line, you gave him a chance to be Gandhi. And that may be a good dynamic for him. Please try and take a deep breath and accept his decision.

Still fighting today...

About my dad being Gandhi...I just heard from my mom that my sister said she won't let my dad watch her kid unless he apologizes. I told dad that, and he slept on it. When he woke up, I asked him what his thoughts were, and I was stunned to learn that he's not going "to apologize to that little SOB". Additionally, he thinks apologizing for the spanking incident is essentially blackmail.

I don't really care how it works, but I just want the situation stabilized so I can go back to school in peace. Besides, I've felt physically sick due to anxiety and stress. I haven't slept more than 6 hours per night. I've also been nauseous and gagging pretty heavily lately. But apparently neither my dad nor my little sister want peace.

this means I am now in crisis mode. I've tried to stave off the inevitable (in other words, having to tell her "no" if she brings him in during the night) for the last two days, but tonight might bring my isolationist perspective into conflict with her.

This is really unprecedented. I am not sure where this is headed.... and school is only 4 days away.

School is a given. Please don't let this bad situation infere with school, nor with job hunting once the time comes. And also you getting to sleep on time is very important. You may not be able to prevent being woken up in the morning by yelling, but if someone asks you for a favor in the evening, you have every right to say, I need to get to sleep on time.

There may be an opportunity since you were a hard-liner before (similar to the idea that only Nixon could go to China).

Perhaps you could suggest something like this: Plenty of parents spank and their kids turn out just fine. Plenty of parents don't spank and their kids turn out just fine. It is the parent's choice.

And I am not recommending that you over-invest as a negotiator, in fact, it might be better if you don't. You're just a person on the scene offering an occasional constructive suggestion. If they want to take it, that's okay. If not, that's okay, too.