As someone much older who was the designated "dump on" person in my family dynamic I would like to suggest that in addition to moving out that it might be beneficial to tell your family why (before or after moving), or try to tell them 'NO' to see how they would react. Also to get some therapy to help you with the issues of being the person others count on to pick up all slack.
I say these things in the kindest way possible and feel the need to say them because in my life, I just kept repeating the same pattern. I had family that dumped on me. I didn't get to join anything, have lessons in music, had to get a job in high school, very different from the way my older sister was treated. After high school, rather than planning my own future, I was sent to take care of my sister's kids for a year while she went through a divorce. After a year, her youngest was old enough to be in school all day, so she booted me out. When I tried to get into college and needed my dad's income information for financial aid, he refused, yelled cussed. I moved into an apartment with a friend, who less than two months into it, had a breakdown, and I was supposed to pay bills, show concern for her, she would tell me how to deal with her dad to try to get money out of him for her share of the rent etc etc. First husband, all promises, me working two jobs, him being an ass, I wasn't allowed to work anymore (pregnant, back in the day when places "suggested" pregnant women not work), so instead of him doing all he can, we lost the house he had lied to buy, I had to go on welfare to have my baby in a hospital, he kept getting jobs and quitting, bragged about spending all his pay on drugs that he planned to sell and make more money, but he ended up partying away. Divorce, no child support for many years. Second husband, at least he worked, but wanted to be treated like a king, not lift a finger, be "pampered" as he put it, and was abusive. Had friends, neighbors, co-workers all through my life, even another room mate, that I just naturally did things for, baby sat, cleaned their house when they were sick, have spent years of my life listening to others problems, the same people, including my own sister, who would be quite pissy and insulting if I was upset and needed to talk.
In my fifties now, in the past few years I have had jobs, neighbors, friends, where I was also the go to person. Moved to where I am a little over two years ago and I will be damned, it's like I have a sign on my forehead, that says "use me", a neighbor immediately started mooching, interested in what I own etc. Had to tell her after a short while "that's it, no more mooching my booze", but I still tried to remain on good terms, so she would come over or call when she needed help, but after making plans to go out new years, two years ago, then cancelling on me at last minute, I quit talking to her at all. (She still went out, I don't have a car, it was like she set me up saying we would leave at 8:00, then called at six, me not ready, saying she was ready to go and was going because she was hungry).
Sorry for the long post, was trying to make the point that there are the tender hearted types who have been socialized by family to do for others, who put out signals of some type, that the worst, most moochy, using types pick up on. The above is only a very small number of these types of experiences, heck, my own mother wanted me to sell me a car she had bought from me a year and a half earlier, she gave me $200, wanted me to pay her $1500 when I was desperate for a car. At one point as a young adult with a child, job, full time school I was paying my mother to babysit, she insisted I pay my younger brother (in high school at the time) too because he helped. The more I did and paid, the more she wanted then asked me to promise to live with her always and support her so she could kick out my dad. On and on, druggies, users, married men thinking I was an easy mark, even the last man I tried to have a relationship with expected ridiculous things, and he expected me to move in and help him pay off his enormous debt so his daughter could inherit more.
So, I live like a hermit now, don't know how people find me, try to think in a positive way, that I have a good heart, rather than I am a stupid sap. Anyway, the point, it is hard to break the patterns we were taught as we grow up. Work on this now, be aware that your tendency to help and be there for others, for whatever reason, can and will be exploited by people other than your family, and you might benefit from some counseling to learn to create boundaries early on in all relationships, personal and professional.
Just my thoughts.
15 Jan 2012, 12:43 pm
