I am going through a slightly difficult time right now, and my anxiety is up more than usual. My heart is out of rhythm and I find it difficult to engage in my usual interests. Although I am still fascinated by my interests, I just can't seem to get into working on them (HO scale models, roller coaster models, etc.). I don't know if it's depression or what. But just to give you an example of my anxiety right now---I responded to a post yesterday about disagreeing with AS as a mental illness---I said it was not a mental illness but a difference. Then when I checked posts tonight, I saw several more people had responded since I did---and I felt my heart fluttering from the anxiety of reading posts beyond mine where someone could refer to my post---although they didn't. I usually am this way anyway, but right now it is worse.
When I got home from work today, I hadn't been home more than a minute when the phone rang. It was my uncle who lives a couple miles away that I rarely see. As I don't talk to him much, I felt like I was penetrating a brick wall to make conversation with him. He was asking about our new internet/TV/phone service package that we recently got and wondered if he and his wife could stop in for a few minutes for me to show them how it worked since they are thinking about getting it too. I just couldn't do that. My anxiety was racing---Please, I don't want company!! !! !! !! !! I was thinking. So I told him this evening wasn't good because we had plans (which was true, although there would have probably been a few minutes to have had them drop in).
Then, about an hour later my mom called and said the food vendor had just stopped and was heading down the street toward my house. No!! !! !! I don't want to talk to anyone. My wife had gone to a ballgame with my oldest son, so I turned out the lights to make it look like I wasn't home. My youngest son and I stayed in the dark until the food vendor truck passed our house thinking we weren't home. I have done this many times before---so this is routine for me. But the anxiety is worse right now. It just seems more difficult right now to communicate. I feel like going nonverbal. I prefer privacy more than usual. Right now, just as I am typing this thinking about it, my heart is skipping around a lot.
I wish I could run away from a lot of things in my life (but not my family---they are great). I wish I could make my career from writing books. I can't imagine my future---nothing seems definite about it. How I used to think about my future now seems improbable. I probably won't make enough money to buy my dream house some day---and I am not sure that I would really want to live in it. I feel attached to the house I currently live in and would feel like I deserted it if I left it---as if my house has feelings. Maybe my house is my dream house. My house is infamous. It is old. No one but my family and I have lived in it for more than a short time. It has been through many owners until my wife and I bought it. After we set up housekeeping in it, we learned why. And now I wish I could spend all my time in it and not leave. It's strange how what I am so scared of I find comfort in. I should write a book about this house. Perhaps writing is what I need to do. I do find it relaxing. I need something to calm this anxiety and perhaps depression. Thank you for listening.
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"My journey has just begun."
24 Jan 2012, 9:16 pm
