meh, why bother with it?

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Well I am still surviving life, just having a difficult time seeing any good reasons to.....the way my psychological issues effect me also can make things unpleasant for others and sometimes I don't want anyone to see me like I am on the bad days, at the same time though sitting alone in a room just makes me feel worse.

So I can't really see anyone getting much benefit from my existence, I am not thinking of ending it at this point in time but I can only go on like this for so long so I cannot say it will never happen. I mean who am I trying to fool, I got next to nothing and once i have nothing what good am I.......i'll probably just end up in some horrible situation because I'm such an easy target. I mean I'm a college drop out loser who probably could not function at most jobs to save my life I guess nature has its way of elimination. I don't feel like anyone should try to convince me that's not true because it is I mean how am I not a loser, I've lost at everything I've attempted.......and I am a college drop out, and I am usually the person that people probably joke about in the break room on a job because I'm the 'ret*d' one who doesn't 'get it.'

Also as pathetic as it is, my willingness to even do the bare minimum to keep living depends entirely on if I will be able to kill the pain at least for a while on a daily basis.........because constant pain burns me out. No I don't want to 'recover' and be 'happy' I'd just like to be left in peace every once in a while to wallow in my misery. Anyways I think I will end this here before I go ranting about details about my self defeating personality that no one probably wants to hear about.

There are certain groups within the "Rainbow Family" who do nothing except travel around the country, surviving on what they can beg, get for free, barter, or buy after working for a day at a temporary job. Not everybody in the group works. Some stay at the campsite and cook or just watch stuff so it doesn't get stolen. Others sit around and play an instrument for donations in a semi crowded place. They all take care of each other. For recreation they mainly smoke weed, drop acid, or drink cheap wine. I know several people in this particular group of Rainbows.

If you don't feel that you are cut out for the regular world, why not drop out of it and join a group like that? Granted, they are few and far between, but they didn't all die out in the early 70s, they are still around. Tuning in, turning on, and dropping out is still around in the new century.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Probably the best way to meet some of them would be to go to local Rainbow Gatherings. Their site has lots of listings. Also, message boards (actual physical boards with notes and thumbtacks - remember those? lol) at "hippie" type places, ie; health food stores, alternative shops etc could put you in touch with someone who knows somebody who has the number for a guy.....

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Cool! Whats he like? Age, looks, job, etc?

The first part of a relationship is always the best IMO. That whole infatuation part is really great. It always used to give me boundless energy and happiness.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Lol. Drop out and become a hippie. Awesome.

Also be careful meeting people you met online. Some precautions you can take are letting a friend know, arranging to call them in an hour so they know everything's fine. Codewords and s**t in case something goes wrong. Public place preferably with cameras around otherwise you're f****d if he does a kidnap on you. Etc.

Uhh none of it matters, I'm still going to feel the way I feel...and I'm still going to just cause problems for people and provoke them into not liking me by being depressed and thus expressing depressing thoughts/feelings. I don't think I was born to survive in this world I mean sure I like to think I can just keep going and hopefully find a way to meet my basic needs and get some enjoyment out of life.......but I don't really know how capable of that I am. Every day I get reminded of how useless I am to this damned society, and how as far as the majority of society is concerned I'm just a waste of resources. So in all honesty what good would I do anyone else really?

But survival of the fittest has to be what society is based upon, otherwise there would be no school or work place approved bullying justified as enforcement of social norms and thus perfectly ok regardless of the harm done to the individual on the receiving end of it. And what would be the fun in not causing misery for other people to enjoy at their expense. If only I had been blessed with the ability to write poetry but since I was not my depressed rambling will have to do I suppose.

"Survival of the fittest" is only a very small aspect of what we understand about evolution! In social animals (like people!), it more typically boils down to survival of the species, or survival of the genome - not the individual. Why else would women live past menopause and how else would there be LGBT people? I think we are crossing an impasse in our social evolution where we are coming to realize many of the "crazies" and "weirdos" out there were meant to serve purposes that do not fit into our modern, very broken (in terms of sh*****g where we eat, regressing philosophically) society. What do you love to do? What is your biggest special interest? I bet you can bring some beauty to the world through that, no matter how obscure.