Overwhelmed, freaking out, rambling

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I don't know what I hope to do by posting my feelings here, I suppose I am hoping that I will somehow feel better by sharing how I feel with someone. I finally got an official diagnosis and got the report last week. I think the diagnosis is a relief because I know now for sure what has made me feel different all these years. But I feel awful. My fiance said we were going to go on a trip in May for my birthday. Then he said he had to go to Las Vegas with a couple friends of his but we could make that our trip. Now he is saying that the three of THEM will have a good time in Vegas, he didn't even tell me that I was not actually invited I had to figure it out by how he was talking about the trip. I had really been looking forward to getting away and possibly enjoying myself as this past year has been really hard for me. Now I just feel so disappointed and hurt but also I feel guilty for for feeling this way. I don't want to tell my fiance that I am disappointed because then he might not enjoy himself when he goes. I don't want to make him feel bad, but I feel bad. I do a lot of things just for him, because it's what he wants. I'm tired of it. Right now he's over at a friends house, he was over there all day yesterday too. He only has weekends off and he spends almost none of that time with me and I feel guilty for wanting him to spend more time with me because he needs his friends and it's not his fault that he's my only friend. It's not his fault that I'm socially and emotionally broken. It's not my fault either, but I end up taking all the blame for how I feel. I'm just overwhelmed by everything right now and kind of freaking out, but I keep trying to keep it all in because when I have a meltdown it just makes things worse for me and everyone else so I just keep melting down on the inside and I don't know how to handle this. I just want to pull my hair out and I'm taking more clonazepam than I am supposed to since I asked to have the dose lowered a year ago, but not more than I was being prescribed before that. The clonazepam is the only thing that is keeping me from completely losing it, but I don't want to be taking more than I'm supposed to. I see my old psychiatrist that I made a complaint about this week to give him the report saying I have aspergers so he can hopefully straighten out my records at the hospital after all the misdiagnoses but I doubt he'll be of any help to me. I see my gp for my prescriptions now but I saw him last week and the appointment wasn't of much help because I can't seem to explain how I feel, and even if I could I doubt the doctor would listen long enough to get what I'm trying to say. I just don't know what to do any more and I don't know how to help myself and I'm tired of fighting this. I'm just tired.

*awkward hug*

I'm not on medication but I keep thinking every day that I really need it. Like you, things are changing and making me feel overwhelmed. You are not alone in this.

Breath. Eat nutritious food. Take a hot bath or something that helps you feel good.
Don't take more meds than you absolutely have to.
This will pass and you will find a calm moment to make decisions.

we are here for you.

I am hoping this will pass soon. I often don't know how I feel until it gets really bad and then I am only a few steps away from losing control. I suppose I have already lost control on a smaller level, but not to the point that I fear my safety. It had been 11 months since I last cut myself, but I gave in today. I don't want to do that any more and I do not intend to. I just hope I can get through this before I lose perspective and cross that invisible line when I no longer have control. I made myself a promise 11 months ago that I would never end up on a psych ward again. It makes it difficult to seek help when things start to get bad because I'm afraid to tell anyone how bad things are. I'm afraid they'll lock me up again and I don't think I could handle that.
I don't know what to do with myself. I hate the thoughts. I hate my brain right now. I feel desperate, overwhelmed and hopeless.

Don't worry, it will pass. Have you tried taking different medication? I also went through a rough time, everything was a mess. I couldn't take it anymore. I started taking a higher dose prozac, alot more then i was supposed to. I felt like it was the only thing keeping me sane and from completely losing it. My doctor told it's not good to take that much, i was stubborn. Convinced it was helping me. I realise now it wasn't working for me anymore, i relied too much on prozac. I had to find something else to help me. It was worsening things more then it was helping me. When i got off, i started feeling better after a few days.

I think you need to be more straightforward with your fiance about this. You sound like someone who doesn't want to let their own problems affect other people...I know that feeling pretty well, and it can be really hard! But it's hard to try to maintain an objective perspective on what are reasonable needs and expectations, and which ones maybe aren't so reasonable.

Anyway--the move your fiance pulled is careless and inconsiderate and makes me think that he might be taking you for granted in some ways. Everyone takes things and people for granted at some point, it's just part of being familiar with someone. He might have no idea that this affects you at all, and it's not fair to expect him to be able to read your mind. I'm not saying you do expect that, but the only way to make sure he knows how you feel is to tell him. Preferably in a fairly calm, non-accusatory manner if you can. Or you could even try bringing it up in a different way if you wanted to. ie, "Hey, so, about that trip we were talking about taking...are we still on for that? I'd really like that!". If he gives you any grief about it or just says no, then you guys really need to talk.