Empty feeling inside

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I've been married 15 years; I have kids age 23, 14, and 11. I rent a 1350 SQFT house, loaded with furniture, electronics and every kitchen gadget known to man. I can drive, I have a steady job, (although a past history of losing steady jobs quite frequently). I haven't got two nickles to rub togther most of the time but I would still consider myself lower middle-class.

However, I have this acheing empy feeling inside. That I am unaccomplished, that I've been here 41 years and have not done anything socially signifigant with my life. (I could die tomorrow, other than my immediate family would anybody even notice that I was gone?) I feel my life has been extremely hard and I am bitter and full of despair, regret, and envy. I feel I already have one foot in the grave, and I go through the motions, not really alive, just 'sorta there'.

I'm a loner and an introvert. A councellor asked me a few years ago, 'Do you have at least one adult male friend that you can go out an do things with?', the answer was a resounding 'No'. Little has changed since. I am planning a family vacation for August this year, but other than that I have no long term plans for the future. There is nothing I specifically want to do with whatever time I may have left, 20 years or so with no agenda!

So I sit and vegitate and 'hope' something will make me feel alve again. VS continuing with a living death of boredom, going through the motions, with regret, anger, and depair, as my most dear companions on this seemingly meaningless journey to nowhere.

I feel that way too and it looks like I'm close to your age.

I don't have any female friends in real life (I spend a lot of time online because it makes me feel like I can communicate as myself with people other than my family, and writing is an easier form of communication).

I'm perhaps more pathetic in that I don't know any females in real life who I would want to be friends with....they do their thing, I do mine. They don't understand me as much as I don't understand them...I'm a lonely loner.


But I'm responding more for this reason:
Have you ever written poetry or music? I ask because what you wrote has a lyrical rhythm to it.

And my question about music / poetry is related to your post because for me, one thing that gives a sense of accomplishment is the creation process. It makes me feel like I did something - at least it's meaningful for me, even if no one ever hears or sees it.

Do you have creative pursuits? Art, music, writing?

Sadly, no other pursuits. I participate in many online forums. I like writing, as you've said its a superior form of communication. I can't read body language, facial expression, or understand jokes and innuendo. Writing frees me from those limitations.

I've been attemping, with little success, to start a GRASP autism support group in my home city. Other than working, this would be the limit of me venturing forth into society at large.

I was 'OK' until I finished high school, the 23 years since then have been a living nightmare. Hard to get and maintain employment. I am married but we had to go though councilling to prevent a divorse. I'm a loving dad but my teenage 14 year old daughter is a 'NT' kid, I can't see eye to eye with her on anything.

I would like to get a hobby. When the kids are grown up and moved out then I'll really be lonely with a 'empty nest' problem until grandkids arrive.

I'm sure I was a nightmare for my parents at 14 yrs old. At that age, it's common for children to rebel. I don't have kids, so I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for that situation.


About a hobby, or some other pursuit....I'm sure you're busy with your family and working, but it's never too late to pursue creativity, even in tiny bits at a time.

It's not mandatory to write in a formal way in poetry or lyrics. In fact, your last sentence in your first post is already lyrical.

You've got a song or poem there /\
It doesn't have to rhyme....in fact, the phrase that really caught me is "a living death".


If you could do your life all over again (not that many people would want to), do you know what you might do different?

I remember looking at life that way when my kids were that age. Boy that was tough. No time to yourself and never having enough time to give to those who love you. Looking back I think I know what I would do differently. First of all my attitude was all wrong. I would look at this time as an opportunity to make all our lives better. Even as I was not married, I would find a hobby I could do with my kids. Like hiking, or riding bikes. If I had the money I would have taken Karate lessons. Maybe an instrument. I did write for quite a while and it really helped me. I would get up an hour earlier before the kids were up and before I had to go to work. I just wrote as a journal anything I wanted to. It could have been just a blurb about my emotions, just what was going on in my life, or a short story I might have been thinking about at random. I ended up writing six 500 page books. I remember this time fondly too as my peaceful time of the day. I began to look forward to it. I even started to exercise for 20 minutes before I started writing. I lost 85 pounds. I still plan on doing it again, but now that my kids are grown and gone (except for my son who I am in business with) I have as much time as I want. No grandkids yet and don't miss it. I am not an empty nester. I did my time, I love my kids and they are all doing very well.But I learned to love myself and made my life one I love to live. I planned it all out when I was doing what you are doing now.

Soon your 11 year old will be old enough to not need a babysitter if you feel like taking a run, or going for a bike ride etc.... Think of your life as starting new. It can be whatever you want to make it! Do you want to spend it whining? Or do you want to make it one you are proud to live?

Oh, I forgot. I went back to college after a layoff. I attended during the day with hundreds of 19 and 20 year olds. I felt like Rodney Dangerfield, but it gave me that feeling of living again. Not looking forward to dying. After all, you are not dead yet. Live like you will never die and you will really live!

Music! Music! Music!

I relate to what you are feeling, though I am not a parent. I am in my mid thirties now. I often find, and have throughout my life, a sudden feeling of existential angst washes over me. Lately I have been taking the negative approach: my life is pointless; is this all there is?; why continue? But sometimes I have a positive take: I don't know why I'm here or what's next, isn't it great? so much possibility!; the wonder, the magic, the mystery!; why is there life and how wondrous is it that we are here? ... I still want to know why...

I agree about getting creative, but don't expect your creative pursuits to sooth your angst; use it to engage your wonderment.