Just a vent

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I know I need help. From someone physically here. I just don't know how to get it.

I feel as though I've been stepping gingerly through a maze of walls for so long. Sprinting only tires me and gets me nowhere. I've tried disassembling them one at a time, only to be confronted by another, larger wall.

On Sunday, I felt on top of the world. I had a plan in place for my week ahead. Something tangible to pull me out of the mess I've created for myself. By Monday, I had discarded that plan and have been doing nothing but sh*****g around my tiny apartment since. I'm tired. Everything seems like this insurmountable obstacle. I've lost the will to even give a damn, save an odd hour here and there.

I can't even pin-point exactly what it is I'm feeling, so working through it is impossible.

I've begun to dislike, even resent, certain people in my life. I'm accustomed to being able to just get up and leave undesirable individuals behind, but for many reasons I cannot do this now.

To top this all off, I'm a failure at sobriety. Yes, that's right. I'm drinking again. Do I care? Not right now. The only time I can bring myself to is when my children are with me, and that only lasts until they're in bed sound asleep.

Often times, I feel like a pretender in my own life. I don't hide who I am from the world, but the world never seems to see me for who I am. It's like I speak a completely different language, but one that uses all the same words. I suppose in many ways I'm quite naive still, and I'm getting sick of trying to figure out how to communicate exactly what it is I need/want/feel/think so someone... just one... will understand.

): onho tea
you can pm me again if that would help
although thinking about it, that was sunday night...hope i didnt make you feel bad with what i said:/

can't your sister help at all? what about a medical professional of some sort? counselling?

Your PMs had nothing to do with this, OSB. In fact, they helped me feel pretty good for quite a few hours.

I don't know how to ask for help on anything unless it's task oriented.

phew(:

giving up drink is kind of task orientated?
the other stuff...would it help if you asked in writing instead of verbally?

Tea, it's understandable that you might have some problems right now. Change is hard for anyone, let alone aspies. And you've gone through a lot of change in your life in the last 6 months, that must have been very stressful and painful at times.

Maybe this is a period of readjustment for you, where you can refocus on what you want from life, and try to heal from your experiences?

I don't know, I'm crap at advice, but I think you might be being a bit hard on yourself, considering things that have happened recently.

If you can only seek help around tasks at the moment, then maybe you can focus on finding some sort of group or counsellor for the alcohol if it is causing you difficulties? One task at a time might be the way forward.

I'm sorry if this is not very helpful. I hope things pick up for you very soon.

My sister's Dyslexia is much worse than mine. In writing wouldn't be of much help.

Yeah, I suppose I can ask for help with certain tasks. She's got her baby, though, and lots of other things. IDK how much time and effort she'll realistically be able to put into helping me.

You're absolutely right. I just can't seem to care enough to actually take the steps I need. Truth is, I was holding back a bit on my self-loathing.

hmm, maybe you could help her with certain tasks too in return. it would take some pressure off of her so that helping you isn't burdenous and also give you extra things to do, which i think is important when depressed and stuck indoors feeling mopey.

tackling the drink first sounds like a good plan. maybe if you contact a professional about that it will lead to getting assistance in other areas too. like they might realise you have issues which trigger the drinking and connect you to further help- so you won't have to worry about how to ask someone else

Are you on any sort of medication that is useful for you? Have you been on anything in the past that was helpful that you could try now? Or herbs?

How about meditation?

Any things that you have stopped doing, that you've found fulfilling in the past?
Anything that brings you some pleasure or satisfaction, or peace of mind?

January is a crap month too. Everything seems darker, but spring isn't far off. More sun and more green and birds doing stuff. Spring always seems like a good time to make change, to start new things. January is more of a survival month I think.

Could you find some sort of Pagan group maybe, or something similar? Womeny?

I'm a hypocrite in all this, because I completely fail to do the things I ought to to help my own mental health. But that doesn't stop me from shoving my oar in. (:

Yeah, that might work. I'm supposed to see her tomorrow. I'll talk to her then.

thadagirl

Medication never helped much. I'm not on any now, but part of my plan for this week was getting on some.

Haven't been able to meditate for a couple of months now except occasionally... like 2 or 3 times.

I stopped crocheting. I stopped dancing. I stopped meditating.... stopped most things that make me happy because I just don't have the focus and/or energy.

I hadn't thought to look into a local Pagan group as I'm a sole practitioner. I did have someone suggest I contact the church I grew up in. In the past, I've been resistant to this but it seems like it could be a good idea. Women groups, though, always seem to make me feel even more alien. They're forever talking about things that don't interest me. Their husbands, their children, make-up, celebrities, where they got their 'kauteee' top and how much it cost... etc.

Getting your energy back seems to be the priority then.
Getting help for the alcohol, and relieving the worst of your depression would be where I would start first.

If you can find a way to lift the initial darkness of your depression then slowly other improvements can be made.

I hope you can find something that will help you with that. Meds, or talking to someone? Do you talk to people in the real world about your feelings?

I know the drinking thing is not the whole of the situation, but I will say I tried for many years to do it alone and couldn't. I had to ask for help. You actually have to retrain your brain. Another thing is I knew I drank to relieve stress but it was only after I had stopped that I realized how much of my stress was caused by my drinking. I'm not trying to tell you your life will be peachy if you quit but it certainly gave me a sense of clarity I hadn't realized was gone for years. Someone said to me once, back when I was still drinking, that it "colored my whole life". I didn't know what he meant by that back then but now I do. Sorry, I don't mean to focus so much on that but it's what I know about from personal experience.

No.

My initial reaction is "My drinking isn't that much of a problem" but considering how much alcohol clouds your judgement this may not be the case. That's certainly something to think about.