Sucky first world problems.

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I think it's obvious from my posts that I don't 'relate' to my BPD. But could it still be BPD if I feel like I depend on someone I've never met - just a singer I need to see live again? I don't know, maybe it's beyond OCD/Aspie either and I'm just being plain crazy, that's what I've been told about my obsessions all my life. On one hand, I do tell myself I probably need treatment if I've gone out of proportions to let something as unimportant as this bother me. On the other hand, let's say I find a therapist that truly believes me on the Aspie symptoms I think I'm having, wouldn't talking about it still trivialise what I'm feeling? My feelings about my obsession are important to me, I've always felt they (my obsessions) were the most personal things to me. Even in 2004, when I didn't have the obsession I'm having now, I couldn't bring up the obsession I had then to my therapist, it would have made me feel almost violated because it's exposing something which is 'real' to me...

I don't even understand myself. It all probably sounds stupid.

Not stupid at all; at least not to me. "Obsessions" / interests are sacred. They are what gives us happiness. They are something we find worthwhile and something to believe in.

No one should ever tell anyone else that something they cherish doesn't make sense, or isn't worthy of our time, effort, love, dedication and praise.


Have you heard of Ed Leedskalnin, the man who built Coral Castle in Florida, USA? It's a sad and beautiful story.....legend goes, he built a castle out of coral for his Sweet 16 (the love of his life), but she wasn't living with him physically. His memory of her remained pristine and pure because she was his obsession. On the web site for Coral Castle they describe it as : An homage to unrequited love.


The other interesting thing about Coral Castle is how this man lifted and carved huge pieces of coral that weighed tons and balanced them perfectly. Some people don't believe he built it alone....others do.

Either way, Ed Leedskalnin spent his entire life working on this castle in hopes that someday his Sweet 16 would love him and live with him forever there.
http://coralcastle.com/

It IS a lovely story. It shows the power of love and the strength obsessiveness can have. I dig stories which cherish the human spirit.

I've actually been to the choral castle - I used to stop by there on the way through Miami, when I went on my voyages into the deep dark everglades. It's a very curious place, and has a kind of mystique to it that's hard to find.

And yes, obsessions are special things that grant a modicum of peace in a sometimes crazy universe. That's not weird at all. I sometimes have trouble sharing my own hobbies/obsessions because I'm afraid of people expressing a lack of interest, or the wrong kind of interest - I've put lots of time and work into mine and take them very seriously.

I first heard of it today - thanks to goodwitchy! forgot to mention that.

Thank you for your reply, kestrel.

Yes it is. It does, and I agree with you.

Thank Leonard Nimoy (Mr. Spock). It was on the show "In Search Of" that I first heard of Coral Castle....many years ago.

kestrel, that sounds awesome! Maybe someday I'll see it in person too.

It sounds like you're very afraid of vulnerability, on a gut level. Or maybe I'm just saying that because I am, and what you're saying sounds familiar to me.

Sometimes saying things out loud 'trivializes' them, but on the same note...sometimes saying them out loud neutralizes or defuses them. Keeping something in your head lets pressure build up on it, sometimes it gains momentum...when you let it out, it lets the pressure off and sometimes you can realize it's not quite as important or scary as you thought it might be.

That's just my experience, though. I still have all kinds of things I have a very hard time opening up about. Way less than a few years ago, though!

You're right about me being afraid of vulnerability.

I suppose, but do you know the feeling that you're too familiar with your anxiety/with feeling bad about yourself to let go? That's how I feel. I said before that I feel like if I want to see my favourite band again so much, it probably wouldn't happen. I think I learnt that type of negative conditioning at some point, in the way I was brought up to feel.

I'm glad to hear some things have improved for you.

i was misdiagnosed as BPD before getting my aspie diagnosis. i didn't mind it at the time because it got me into a great supoort group where i could meet with a variety of people with different conditions for Gestalt (?) therapy.

people tend to think that BPD and aspieness are really different, but there are many similarities. i've met diagnosed aspies who seemed like they should have had a BPD diagnosis, and vice versa. some similarities for BPD and AS can sometimes be self-harm, meltdowns, fear of abandonment, inadequate or absent friendships, suicidal behaviour, impulsivity, etc. similar treatment can be used in some cases for both diagnoses too - for example CBT or DBT.

of course there are also differences, but it's not always easy to tell at a quick assessment. what i've found is that shrinks will often diagnose BPD in a simple checklist manner (like for depression), but AS seems to require a half day to a full day of testing. so BPD often gets slapped onto anyone who is suicidal with self-injurious behaviour, especially if he/she was abused in the past. with AS the shrinks are more reluctant.

i ended up paying cash out of pocket to get the full day testng for AS (it included testing for BPD, and that former diagnosis was formally retracted in writing). i had professionals agree with me before that i probably had AS (aka "informal" diagnosis), but without the extensive tests they felt uncertain.

you may have BPD with OCD, you may have AS with OCD and anxiety, or some other combination of these disorders. but you might not get your questions answered wihtout paying an expert to really assess you in depth.

I feel the same way as you about it, hyperlexian. I had it in my mind for a while to get a proper assessment with an autism professional. I found from my own case, as well as hearing other people's cases, that people who are not autism professionals tend to overlook the spectrum and not see it in patients a lot of the time. And in my case, the quick assessment was definitely a problem, there were definitely things I could have said differently and more rationally, but I couldn't get around to them. I may have not expressed things to the staff in an adequate manner, but that didn't mean I lacked insight, I was definitely assesed on the spot as having poor skills, when it was more like poor self-expression. I don't tend to have black and white thinking, for example, but I can get rash if I feel like I'm being misunderstood, and the clinic I was was definitely a stressful environment. I also got written about as having poor cognitive skills (as a part of Residual Schizophrenia), and I need a doctor who'll respect me and appreciate my intelligence in terms of being explained to.

I value reading your personal experience a lot as well, that's so kind.

Obsessions are what make our lives worth living and nobody should be making us feel crazy for having them. My mum used to make me feel like crap for having obsessions. There was even one time in the past, when I told her that I was giving up on all of my obsessions just for her, three months before I moved out. My mum made me feel that bad about myself. Don't let anybody make you feel bad about your obsessions, the way that people made me feel bad about mine.

I'm feeling a lot better now, after 6 years. I've learned to celebrate my AS and obsessions.

Good, Mick! I have periods of endorsing the little things about me that make me me, and periods of putting myself down. I have a little NT-me who sits on my shoulder and tells me I'm boring and tedious, and he's a hassle to deal with.