I was diagnosed with aspergers and depression, as well as body dismorphic disorder. I tend to be very obessive. As a child I always wanted to be smart. Albert Einstein was my hero growing up, I could relate to him more than anyone, no one my age was interested in him. I always felt grown up in a way as a child.I couldn't socalize with other kids at all. I'd sit down on the bench in recess and just cry -- I didn't know how to interact with anyone, and every time It ried people just pushed me away. I remember one time sitting down in fourth grade, this girl came up to me, that was in the same grade and class as me, with her clear glasses on, and asked me, "Why are you always so sad?" I don't remember how I responded, but I remember her asking that.
I had my IQ tested around age 7. It was just at average, just above ret*d. But average. I think it was like 99.
I was deveasted. He told me and my mom that it would never change, I'd always be at the same intelligence. My mom didn't believe him.
So from that point on, I guess that's where my obsession and addicting with - well, obsessions in genearl started, I began a quest, a thrist, to know everything that could be known about the universe, society, and science in general. I want to be smart one day! I told my mom, and I always told them I wanted to be a brain surgeon as I thought brain surgeons were smart.
I began reading everything I could, but it didn't get to be extremely dentrimental and obsessive until my teenage years.
My first obsession began at age 7, I was hooked on the knowledge of numismatics. I had to learn everything about it. So I read and read, and read more about. it I began to accumulate them. In 1997 at age 8 I figured out I wanted to specalize in a very expensive hobby - US gold coinage. So, I saved up all my money from my birthday, and christmas, and other money, and managed to scrounge up about $90. I bought a 1/4 oz american eagle solid gold coin, from the US mint, dated 1997. The price of gold was low at that point , about 200 dollars an ounce. It cost all my money, but I bought it for 89 dollars with tax and eventually sold it many years later - which I regret, but it was my first gold coin. From then it began a love of accumulating gold coins, but, mostly I loved looking at them and reading at them about the chosen coins I had out at the same time. This made me relaxed and helped me. I accumulated quite a few of them. Then I decided I would specialize in a specific field - US gold coin counterfeit detection and alterations. Experts in this field like Michael Fazarrai taught people like the Secret Service to detect counterfeit currency, which it is their duty to find and confiscate. I had a dealer friend who dealed in error coins and we would have our own business on ebay. Eventually, I lost interest, it went to something else...and I never saw him again.
The obsession switched from beanie babies, to geology, to pokemon cards, to pogs, to numismatics, to magic tricks (sleight of hand) then from magic tricks back and forth between that and numismatics.
But, something that remainded constant was my obsessive need to know everything about it. Eventually, I wasn't satisfied with that. It began an addiction. An addiction to know everything that possibly excited, the truth, about reality, about society, about physics, about mathematics and sciences, about social sciences like sociology, about geology, about philosphy, about numismatics, about psychology, I read every subject, encylopedia's, that I could. I read everyday, at least 6 hours a day. Most of the time I read all the time of the day, having nothing else to do. when i wasn't playing my game addiction 24/7 hours a day, which was very severe (which I packed on over 100 lbs int he process) which lasted 12 years of my last, I recently quit 4 months ago, when i wasn't doing that, I was reading. And reading. And reading.
I got a book on Calculus for dummies. I read it for fun. I was fasincated by it, even though I didn't do the math yet. I wanted to learn that. I felt it was the cornerstone to all the secrets of the universe and life, in a sense. I wanted to know the nature of reality itself, whatever that meant.
So I got Algebra The easy way. I recommend it. It's a brilliant book taught in a medievil story abuot algebra. The beginning is a bit challenging, as it immediately goes into algebraic proofs, which, is kind of hard for me to grasp in the very beginning. And I have a decent knowledge of algebra.. I also got a chemistry book, although I haven't gotten far I am working on specific eat.
But something I read in my algebra book intrigued me. I noticed I was able to make patterns with things, and relate things to otehr things, not just in that subject but with almost everything, I was able to make patterns and connect things in different ways. As to as whether other people saw the same things, I'm not sure.
I remembered circular reasoning in my algebra book and it struck an idea. I remember it was trying to define "undefined terms", which was in itself undefined. So they started by comparing it to something that was defined to define them.
By doing this,then we had to eventually prove it. But, I remembered something that was the crux of the problem in the first place. It was a logical fallacy, circulr reasoning. I realized people do this with words too later. Like, if I have an undefined term like the
term "big". I look it up in the dictionary. And it may say, "see Large". I look up large, and it says "See big" and that says "See large" and that says.....you get the idea, it never ends. Its circular.
Well I had the idea I could equate this with numbers. No big deal really, I just thought it was interesting and I tried to make a pattern with it. I'm probably wrong but I thought, it was more of like a thought experiment or something. I thought I had assumed something like : if A is true, and it goes A is NOT equal to B, it would mean that by logic, B must be false. Because B is dependent on A being true, B MUST be false. If I say A is false, and it goes that A is not equal to B, by logic, B must be true, because B is dependent on A and A is false. But this all doesn't make any sense because it contradicts itself.
If B is dependent on A, and A is true, which makes B false, which contradicts itself as B was just true....which means A is false, which means B is true....etc...
I'm probably wrong with this, again I don't know anything about logic statements. But I found it interesting that this was a scientific thing. It is fasinating.
Eventually the obsession went to magic tricks. I would practice in my room 3 hours everyday, often 6 hours a day, I did this in front of the TV for about 2 years, everyday. It was my life, my obsession. I never entered a competition, as I had no self confidence and knew I would lose. I never felt I was "good enough" for birthday parties. So I said I didn't do them
I put over 2,000 hours of practice into one trick. I needed, 10,000 to master it. But with that amount of practice, I was pretty good.
I didn't realize it. 2 years after intense practice, I showed it to someone at a magic convention, a big one in Las Vegas last year. There, one of my favorite coin magicians, Chris Kenner, I met. He was happy for me to show him the trick I had practiced.
I showed him, and he kept saying over and over "Dam* That is F'ing smooth as hel*!" over and over.
I told him I practiced alot. He said, "I can tell!".
I guess then that's when I realized I was better than I realized. I am not trying to brag, I do not feel I am good to this day, but, having an accomplished magician, with whom I owned DVD's he published, and someone I very much respected, I remember that feeling and how good I felt.
From playing my text based online MUD video game, I got pretty good at typing. I learned to type when I was younger, so at the time of the crux of my addiction, in 2008, I entered the Ultimate Typing Championship for the USA. Typers from all across the USA competed. I got into the top 3, the semi finals. For a chance to compete for the finals. If I got into the finals, I would be flown otu to the Sundance film festival in Austin texas to compete, on national TV, for the $5,000 prize. Unfortunately, I didn't answer my email in time and didn't get the chance to compete at all. My highest speed, with accuracy, was 169 WPM. Accuracy was around 98.9%.
After that, I decided I had to lose weight so I lost 101 lbs. From the game addiction, I was in very poor shape. I couldn't tie my shoes. I couldn't find pants that fit me. I was a size 48 waist. I had trouble breathing, rolling over in bed, even walking, I had so much fat on my thighs they would rub against each other (the skin) and cause chaffuing. I had this "side fat" rolls that I absolutely could not stand. I hated myself. I was digusted mysef. So one day I had a dream that , along with other people telling me how fat I was, inspired me. It was, "I had a dream that I was on a stage doing my magic, a stage in front of millions of people, doing my magic and I was had a six pack. I was so happy."
Well, I educated myself and read everything I could about nutrition since I had failed diets before. I excerised 5 days a week. I took otehr peoples advice, logged everything, my photos, my weight, and had a day to day journal log with otehr peopels support where I logged my good, and bad days. I would lift weights 5 days a week as well.
I ended up losing 101 lbs. I am now a size 32 waist. I was 30% bodyfat at my heaviest, now I am at 10%.
But now, I am obsessed with knowledge again. I am reading about everything. I think its slowly driving me insane. Lately, I've began to see how corrupt the world is, and begun to mistrust government. And most types of authority. I changed my faith, as everyone said I was going to hell because their religion was "right".
The knowledge is slowly poisining me. I'm getting paranoid too. I don't know what's happening to me. But I can't stop thinking about the nature of existence. Or why thinks work the way they do. Most people yawn and pass by, but I can't stop . I am too curious. I want to know everything, and I want to know WHY everything works.
Its driving me insane.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get my mind out of my head?
I am takling to people, yet I feel so isolated. People say I'm good at magic, even really good, but I don't believe it. How can I?
I feel like they'rej ust being nice.
Now I still feel fat. Now I also have body image issues as well. And am dealing with traits of an eating disorder.
I just thought losing weought would solve my problems. viola. I'd be happy. I'd finally I(which I've never kissed a girl or had a girlfriend) find someone that would love me, someone I could love, a relationship I wanted so badly. What did it do?
Sadly, I came to the realization it didn't mean crap. I came to horrible realization, that no matter how fit, or ripped, or whatever you want to call it, I never was happy, and no one else was, either. It didn't help a damned thing. Of course its my fault for thinking it, but rationally I want to blame the media. I am just so angry over it. I feel helpless, worthless, depressed, angry at them lying to me. But I lied to myself too.
Heck, women do not even look at me. I began to think to myself, "How much muscle defintion do I need to be liked?"
Then I realized i had to like myself, and it attraction came from within. I was disappointed. I thought losing weight would solve my problems. Instead, it just made them worse. I strongly urge others to heed this warning, please, if you lose weight, do not do it because you feel otehrs want you to, it would make you happy, or to feel better about yourself. do it for your health! Please. If there's something I learned from this, it's do do things for others to make you happy, do it for yourself.
And dont' fall into the same trap I did. The media makes it seem like being fit, we'll have everything. We'll be smart, we'll be fit, women will be all over us, etc. It was a lie, I was happier fat. And I wish I never lost it sometimes. Sorry.
25 Jan 2012, 1:44 pm
And intelligence.... ugh, I could write 1000 pages about why that term is so ill-defined along with it's myriad definitions! 
