I don't know if it is his or my fault.

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One of my best friends from uni is going through a depression. He wants a girlfriend and lacks one. He got bad grades during the exam period. His single mother is having trouble at job and earning less money. I've been talking to him for hours daily, trying to cheer him up. He seemed grateful at first, but lately started getting mad at me for stupid reasons, for instance when I talked about the weather or said something he "didn't find intelligent/mature enough". Furthermore, he got mad at me and the girl he fancies a few weeks ago, but only shouted at me in private. He stated he can shout at me but not at the other girl because the other girl has "a different personality". When I asked him to speak to me, in order to sort things out, he said he had nothing to say and told me to shut up. I told him I would never shut up and that I was sick of him telling me to do so, and that my vocabulary exceeds his, so HE should be the one shutting up. He told me I was lame at cheering him up because "I'm autistic and lack the empathy to understand people". He also said "I've got no personality" because I keep imitating neurotypicals (gestures, voice tone, etc.) in order to fit in in society. And then he said I was attacking him, because I told him that I didn't like him getting mad at me over his problems when I was the one helping him (and then he acts really kind to other people, particularly girls he wants to have sex to, and lately, my ex-roommates, who insulted him behind his back last year). He said "if they bullied you at school, it's not my fault, I won't do so".

Was he acting OK? Advice, please, I'm desperate and feel extremely guilty!

Doesn't sound like the ideal candidate to have a girlfriend then, but let me carry on...



You cannot cheer someone up like this. He'll have to work it out on his own.

And frankly I think his conduct is a bit disgraceful.



He shouts at you because you have shown him that you will tolerate it. Show him different.



No, he's just a manipulative user.



There's no shame in that. We all have to adapt the best we can. Even people considered more 'normal' learn off each other.

He's trying to make you feel defective and worthless.



Nope, absolutely not. He is an ungrateful, obnoxious little scrote.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Perhaps he needs to contact the student counselling service, or to talk to his doctor about stress, anxiety and depression. You can't make him do it, and he will blame you if you try - he has to accept that he needs help and he needs to go and ask for it.

Depressed individuals can become very nasty. He feels worthless therefore he has a need to bring you down too. I think it would be best if you just cut him off.

How is treating you is not OK, nor friendly. A friend does not say cruel things to another friend.

It is possible for a person to say "I wont hurt you like those other people" and still have actions that hurt you, and they justify it by doing it differently than other bullies. But they still bullies! It took me a very long to learn that, just because they are not doing one flavor of abuse to you, does not ensure that they are not just doing another thing and saying it is for your best interest.

I hope you can get space from this person and be around people who respect you, and speak to you with kindness and understanding.

Manipulation is very hard to escape from until you cut off all contact from the person, because they will pretend to be nicer for awhile and then sneak in an attack whenever they want to later. It is a horrible game but you don't have to play it if you can remove yourself from the situation.

That guy sounds like a douche.

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to The Haven]

NOBODY deserves to be shouted at. You did nothing wrong. He's obviously very irritated and you're an easy target to take it out on. It might be hard but what you need to do is tell him you don't need to be treated like that and you won't be around until he decides to treat you better. Just because he's depressed does not give him permission to treat you like garbage.

He's an a**hole

It's not your fault at all. There are a couple of points I want to make, and I am not excusing his behavior at all, it was rude, inappropriate and uncalled for.

Sometimes when people get depressed they tend to be very moody. They will snap at others and say mean things just because. It wasn't anything you did. You talked about the weather and he got upset. How much more innocous can you get than the weather? That is about the least offensive topic in the world and he still found a reason to take offense. It's not you or what you talked about, it's his own feelings that are bothering him. He simply took it out on you.

That brings us to this point. Lots of times people will take things out on those who are close to them and they feel safe with. It's usually either those they feel the safest with, or those who they don't care about at all. If you are his friend and been his friend for a while, odds are that he feels safe with you. He trusts that you won't abandon him because of his behavior. That doesn't mean that you should just take it though.

Sometimes when people hurt, they want to hurt others. It can seem like hurting someone else's feelings might make them feel better, but then it never does. Sometimes they say things they don't mean at all. If it's someone close enough to you to know your weak spots, they often use those. It's painful to hear those things from someone you care about, even if you know they don't mean them. It's possible to mean them at the time you say them but not later on. It's the depression that causes that.

I would suggest that you write him an email telling him that you are sorry he is going through this and you will be happy to be there for him and be supportive, but you won't tolerate the way he has been treating you. Tell him that you understand that he's having some problems right now, but you didn't cause those problems and you will be glad to help him with them all you can but you won't stand for being his verbal punching bag.

He may get mad and say some more mean stuff to you. If he does, it's probably because that email touched a nerve and he knows he's wrong and it's hard to feel more self negativity on top of what a depressed person already feels so he puts it right back on whoever pointed out the behavior. If he does this then I would say just step back for a while and leave him alone and let him deal with this. If he calls and asks you to go somewhere or to hang out, or just calls to talk after that, you could give it a shot and see how he acts. The first time he goes off on you though, I would advice ending the evening or conversation then. Just say "Well, I'm going now, I'll see you later" and leave, or hang up, or whatever ends it. Don't give him a reason or anything, he will know what it is.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is leave someone alone and let them deal with a problem. After you point out his behavior and step back, he will eventually come around and see how he's been acting and apologize I would think.

Either way, it wasn't your fault at all.

I'd tell him that maybe if he wasn't such an a**hole, maybe he'd be able to find a girlfriend. That's mean, but I wouldn't care because he obviously has no intention of being nice to you, so return the favor.

He's been very mean to me these days. Looking at me as if I were inferior or something... sometimes I feel tempted to snap: "what the hell do you think you're looking at?" but if he lacks the elegance to apologise and behave maturely doesn't mean I have to act that childish... I think... although I'm getting sick of him, more and more each time.

It sounds like he needs support, if it is stress / depression, but he needs to recognize that he needs support. Can you withdraw from contact in a way that it is obvious that you are available whenever he needs contact, and on condition that he treats you with respect? Perhaps you could offer to go with him to find student counselling?