I hate myself and I want to die.

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Joined: 6 Nov 2011
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10 Feb 2012, 10:06 pm

My flashbacks are getting worse. A boy named Josh decided to f**k up my life in highscool and it is slowly driving me insane.
I have never had a relationship and can't make friends because of it.
Every other thought in my head revolves around death and suicide.
I cry then laugh and then slam my fist into the wall. I don't know how to control my emotions.

When I am hurt I get so offensive and paranoid. My entire experience with people is being hurt.
I hate myself and I just want a friend.

I have no confidence and can't get friends. Until I have a friend my confidence will not exist.

When my head was being slammed against the wall and I was crying when the other kids laughed. it really messed me up.
I also remember being cut with scissors as a 7 year old.The girls name was Rachel and she hurt me.
I was bleeding but I ended up getting in trouble when I cursed at her.

People tell me to let it go but I can't. I dream about it every night and day. I don't feel worthy of life and I am too much of a worthless failure to pull the trigger. I don't have a gun anyway.

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TeaEarlGreyHot
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10 Feb 2012, 10:11 pm

Are you in therapy, artrat?

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artrat
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10 Feb 2012, 10:13 pm

I start in 2 weeks. The waiting list is too long.

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?During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act" ~George Orwell

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Declension
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10 Feb 2012, 10:16 pm

Quote:

Until I have a friend my confidence will not exist.

Why not be your own friend? Go find a mirror, and talk to yourself in the mirror. Out loud. Tell yourself that you deserve to be happy. Tell yourself that you deserve friends. Tell yourself that you deserve a relationship. It's true, you really do deserve these things!

You're not a failure, you just have a difficult life. Have you read Harry Potter? Harry thought that he was weak because the Dementors affected him more than most people. But it wasn't true. It was just because he had a harder and more extraordinary life than most people. When you get through this (and you will) your experiences will make you a much more interesting and well-rounded person. You have not wasted your life. Everything in your life has been building up to a happy ending where it will all make sense. Do you understand?

TeaEarlGreyHot
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10 Feb 2012, 11:11 pm

artrat wrote:

I start in 2 weeks. The waiting list is too long.

2 weeks isn't so bad. I hope the therapist is able to help you.

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CockneyRebel
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10 Feb 2012, 11:23 pm

You can tell us your problems during the two weeks that you're waiting. Sweet Pea hugs.

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shrox
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10 Feb 2012, 11:27 pm

Who started a hello artrat thread?

artrat
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11 Feb 2012, 1:26 am

This is very weird but I am okay now.
My moods seem to come and go. When I have a bad mood swing triggered by PTSD flashbacks it's hard to control myself.
I already made an idiot of myself again on this forum. Some people have a very bitter and sarcastic attitude toward me.

I sometimes feel that I need to defend myself and get carried away. I don't mean to sound aggressive but it's hard to have no friends or family to listen to your problems. My family is in denial of my PTSD.

Sometimes I think about joining a church just for social interaction.

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?During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act" ~George Orwell

"I belive in God, only I spell it Nature."
~ Frank Llyod Wright

Declension
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11 Feb 2012, 1:32 am

artrat wrote:

Sometimes I think about joining a church just for social interaction.

Do it! It really does help. But if you're obsessed with whether things are true or not, like I am, you should join an epistemically modest sort of church.

I recommend Unitarian Universalist or Quaker.

justalouise
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11 Feb 2012, 2:12 am

what about a volunteer group?

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11 Feb 2012, 1:29 pm

You have NOT made an idiot of yourself. You're just going through a rough patch that happens to most of us. And I'll be your friend, as much as an e-friend can be.

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Sweetleaf
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11 Feb 2012, 2:12 pm

I know the feeling...

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MeesterZack
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15 Feb 2012, 3:45 pm

artrat wrote:

You can talk to me if you want. I too have been bullied, abused, sexually harassed, and misled for what seems like forever, and I keep thinking of wanting to kill myself too. Even if you want to give up, still at least try to find something or someone to hold on to. You can use us here in the forum if you want. Reaching out to the good people that are here (and believe me, there are a lot of good people here) isn't a bad idea. And I'm glad that you told us what was bothering you. Does it feel any better to get some of this off your chest?

Don't let them tell you to "just let it go". If it bothers you, it bothers you. You have the right to be bothered and they don't have to right to make you feel bad because it bothers you. Whoever told you that sounds completely insensitive.

Last edited by MeesterZack on 17 Feb 2012, 8:08 pm, edited 4 times in total.

CockneyRebel
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15 Feb 2012, 11:27 pm

I've been through a rough patch in my life at the age of 32. I have an idea how it feels, and I hope that you can resolve your troubles, so you can live a long, healthy and prosperous life.

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OliveOilMom
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16 Feb 2012, 9:40 am

Artrat, I like you and I like talking to you on FB. I do hope you feel better, and I'm sorry you have to wait. Waiting sucks. Message me anytime you want to, but make it a PM here because my FB messages STILL don't work.

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My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

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