I feel like I've wasted my life

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I'm feeling depressed lately because I look at my life and I haven't really accomplished anything. I have modest goals, all I ever really wanted was a house that I own and a partner that takes as good care of me as I do of him. The second goal has generally trumped all else in the direction I've taken my life and I've given up everything multiple times for various partners. And I can't help but think lately of where I would be if I hadn't of done that.

I dropped out of college in order to support myself financially after I was thrown out of the house for dating the man who became my first husband. I moved states and spent every cent of money I had for him. He ended up being a terrible and emotionally abusive person and I ended up leaving him and marrying husband number two. Number two lived across the entire length of the continet from me. I moved for him too. He has Asperger's and so far has found it impossible to get a job so with my general office job I'm able to afford us to have an apartment. Barely. But I'm not able to save anything extra after bills and the idea of home ownership seems decades away if ever. Besides that, the place I live now has a very high cost of living and I spend over twice as much on groceries as I did before so whatever spare money I can squirrel away doesn't go very far at all. I mean, it costs $30 for the two of us to eat at Burger King

I feel like putting romance first has been a mistake. I just think about where I'd be if I had dumped husband number one when my mother wanted me to and finished school and landed a 60k a year job. And the housing market in my hometown went to hell and now all the houses are 100k or less so I'd definately be able to afford one, even on the low salary I have now at my office job. Not to mention that the weather where I live now is extremely depressing and for that, as well as many other reasons, I wish I had never left home. I love my hometown and I hate this one.

If I had put my career first, there's always time to find love later. But try telling the young me that.

One thing is for sure, if I ever end up single again, it is going to take a financially stable, responsible, got-his-life-together man to ever turn my head again. I've had it up to here being the sole financial supporter. But I understand that my husband has disabilities and I try my best to work around them and take care of things he can't do. It just seems like my life has been a series of penny-pinching and saving up for the "next big thing" - moves, weddings, furniture, a house, etc. and I really don't feel that I've accomplished anything at all or even been able to enjoy life.


Secondly, I'm also starting to feel old. I know that me saying that is going to irritate a lot of people who think that 26 is the epitome of youth but I've always been one of those people who never wanted to grow up. I'm so close to 30 and it really just seems like everything is downhill after 30, phyisically. I'm a relatively attractive girl and I feel like I've wasted my opportunity to be a young, sexy woman and now it's too late. I guess I'm sort of having a mid-life crisis because I started feeling like I want to get fake breasts and be a stripper. I want to be sexy. I've never been sexy. Frankly, I never really cared. I guess I'm just afraid that it will be gone soon and I should flaunt it while I have it. Does that sound rediculous?

I guess, compared to what a lot of people have gone through and are going through, I sound like a wuss, don't I? Wah, wah I'm 26 and poor. I just feel like I've tried so hard and only ever managed to tread water and now my life is half or a third over (depending on whether I get cancer like several members of my immediate family or not) and I'm still fighting.

Life doesn't get any easier, does it. Really more of an observation than a question.

Feels good to get it out anyway thanks for listening, WP.

Believe me, I feel the same.

But you have to remember - it doesn't go downhill after 30.

Different things happen for different people in their lives. Some people have all the glory young and then become burned out has beens.

Some people have no glory for ages, and then come into their own.

You have to keep that in mind.

As far as looks go, yes, we age. But we all need to get to the stage where there is more important things in life than exploiting your looks. To be honest, someone who does well by exploiting their looks young I wouldn't call a success. Don't be too harsh on yourself.

Actually, I totally agree with you hale_bopp. I've never ranked looks very high on any scale. It's cliche but I really am attracted to people's personalities. And I've always looked down on girls who use flirting or attractiveness to exploit free things from men.

I guess I was just thinking it might be fun to be wanted before it's too late.

Just a note of dissention, though, I wouldn't consider being a stripper to be exploitation. Those men are getting what they came for, they aren't being swindled out of anything.


As for the financial situation, I just have a hard time seeing how I might "come into my own" later on. As long as my husband can't get a job and I can't afford to send either of us back to school, how will I ever be able to anything but median-paid general office work? And how will I get a house on a general office clerk's salary in this locale where houses are so expensive? *sigh*

As a secondary musing to the whole attractiveness thing. I guess I feel like I've never been put on a pedestal like that. I've never had someone work hard to get me because I was a prize. It might be a nice feeling to experience.

You're getting me wrong - I don't mean they are exploiting other people, I mean they are using their looks as a tool to for an easy road to success.

I have respect for people who work hard for what they have, not those who have a silver spoon in their mouth.

I work and doubt I could even get a woman so I would say a job is more important in a biased way.

But otherwise I would saying starting your career is more important since you have your foot on the ladder then before you get involved with someone.

It's sad to hear that you gave everything financially into a relationship but now you should just save up and spend it on anything you desire before you become committed to someone again.

Don't get involved in the sex industry. There is a lot of abuse that goes on and women all too often get involved in drugs, either voluntarily, to cope with that crappy existence, or against their will, by being forced to take drugs, so they can be made to do more unpleasant things.

Does your husband qualify for any benefits? That needs to be looked into. You and he may qualify for Food stamps, and perhaps medicaid, if the two of you are not covered by your job. He may qualify for other government assistance, too.

You should be able to stretch your money farther, and maybe put some away, by making some changes in your spending habits.

1. Make a budget. You can buy a budget keeping book at a number of stores, including Walmart, and office supply stores. This will help you to keep track of where your money goes, and that will help you to control the outgo, and eventually have some left over. If you have been having trouble paying your bills, always pay off the necessity bills first, and the credit card bills last. Food, medical, car, insurance, utility, and phone bills come before credit cards. Also, try to stop using credit cards, and pay cash instead. If you don't have the cash, then don't buy whatever it is until you do have the cash, unless it is an emergency item.

2. Do what you can to reduce phone bills, and either dump cable/satellite TV, or take the cheapest tier of service.

3. No more eating out--that includes take out, and home delivery. Even the cheaper places cost more than super market food.

4. No more buying gifts for weddings, baby showers, birthdays, etc. Just send people a card. If they want to know why they didn't get a gift, just tell them the truth--you can't afford it.

5. Buy no frills brand foods and non-food groceries as much as possible.

6. Buy cheaper type meal foods, such as beans and rice, pasta and meat sauce, casseroles, peanut butter and jelly sandwich fixings, etc, for most of your meals. Just make something nicer once a week, and on special occasions, such as Thanks Giving Day, Christmas, Easter, Fourth of July, and household birthdays. If hubby complains, tell him you can't afford a better home menu, so if he doesn't like it, he should get a job, so he can buy better grub.

7. Buy most of your needed new clothes at thrift shops and the Salvation Army store. I recommend buying underwear that is brand new, though.

8. If furniture or appliances are needed, the furniture can also be bought at thrift shops, used furniture stores, the Salvation Army store, and the Habitat for Humanity stores. Yes, Habitat has stores. They often receive donations of things they don't need, so they raise money for the things they do need by selling the other things. Habitat may have used appliances along with furniture and other things.

I hope this helps.

Thanks. I do all of that already, though. It's the only way I've even been able to take care of two people and two dogs on just one income. I've been pinching pennies all my life, it's all I know how to do. I wish I didn't have to, though. I'd like to splurge just a little sometimes.

I'm not sure Canada has that much in the way of benefits. It may, but I haven't been able to find anything from internet searches.

I wish I had. Looks like you missed the explanation of how I actually did the above twice in a row I love my husband a lot and I don't regret being with him but its just so much easier to not have to worry about anyone else. And yet, the vast majority of people who are alone wish for someone else. It's just a curse of human existence to never be satisfied with what we have, I suppose. Knowing what I know now, I would not have wanted to move to this place. Where I lived before was much better in every way.

I don't think most people who are alone wish to be with someone who will become their dependent. I think they're looking for someone functional. A functional ally or companion would be nice.