My issues are taking a serious toll on my relationship.

Post Reply New Topic

I've been involved with the same person for going on 3 years, on and off. I am a 26 year old lady, he is a dude who's a few months older (just turned 27). We've always had problems, but we've always managed to muddle through them somehow. We both deal with depression, I have a lot of anxiety, and in the last year I've come to recognize that a lot of what I do that is hard to deal with is almost certainly due in some degree to Asperger's. To top it all off, my partner has a painful and debilitating chronic illness that has come to a head within the last year, much reducing his capacity to function as any kind of support to another person (in this instance, me).

I suppose I was being idealistic, but I was convinced that I could step up to the plate and give him more support, and do with less myself. A couple months ago I moved to the small, quiet town where he lives in order to be near his sister, and we got an apartment. I didn't anticipate it, but the isolation here has been getting to me. So has the feeling that I can't leave the house without him, since he is essentially disabled. This is no fault of his own and the knowledge that I can't set my own problems (depression, need for stimulation) aside in order to prioritize his consumes me with guilt.

We got into a big fight yesterday, and managed to smooth it over. Things were fine until this afternoon, when something seemingly small set it off again. We both lost our cool and I had a real meltdown, talking about how I've dealt with this stuff all my life, and how I don't know how to change it, and that it might be something that I just have to work with forever. He asked me if I'd consider outside help as a possibility--ie, medication, maybe therapy. I don't have any problem with therapy, but medication (especially anti-anxiety) scares me. I've seen it really screw up a lot of people, and I've heard so many bad things. But I'm starting to think that anything would be preferable to what I'm feeling now, and have been for a long, long time.

Regardless it's still a bit of a conundrum because I'm an American without health care, living in Canada at the moment. And doctor's visits/medication are expensive!

I'm not sure what to do. Part of me feels like I should just get myself out of his hair and go home to my mom's to be depressed and f****d up there, where I can just hide in a room and help out with the house/business during the day, rather than making an intimate partner deal with it. I told him this several times (in not so many words) but I'm sure it came across as hysterical because I was so distraught and discomposed at the time.

He's over at his sister's now to take some time (maybe a few days) to "think about things", and I'm doing the same here.



Is it entirely hopeless? We love each other, but right now we are too much for each other to deal with. Is it possible that trying to deal with my problems with medical help could actually make a working relationship possible for us? If anyone has any experience or advice (or questions), I would really appreciate the feedback. Thanks very much for reading!

his chronic illness is Crohn's Disease, right? if so...

flare-ups can be caused by stress (and stress can cause flare-ups). so, putting aside your own issues that you are dealing with.... if you two are in an unhappy or at least volatile relationship, then his health may be compromised by that in either the short term or the long term. he is not in a health situation where he has a lot of flexibility in terms of stressful situations.

if you decide to be dating and living with a person who has a chronic debilitating illness, you are essentially choosing to give up part of your own freedom in order to support them in their maintenance of good health. if the relationship is causing him a great deal of stress, you have a choice to either continue with the status quo and potentially endanger his health, or alternately you can get help, or you can leave.

you have taken on a big responsibility by being with him, so if you are not strong enough to deal with that then both of you will suffer emotionally - and he could suffer physically.

therapy is a very good idea, and meds are a very good idea. you may be able to find free or inexpensive counselling if you dial 3-1-1 (i think) for municipal services, or call your local crisis centre. in order for you to be a support for him, you need to start taking care of yourself.

Your situation sounds stressful. Caring for people full-time is associated with burnout. I am wondering whether or not your partner is Canadian, and if his condition might qualify you/him for respite care from the Canadian government.

This link may be relevant.

Yes, it is Crohn's, thank you for remembering!

What you pointed out here is the crux of our issues. When it comes down to it, his well-being as a whole is literally compromised by our situation as it stands. It wasn't such an issue until his condition became life-threatening earlier this year. That incident has had a twofold effect...ideally I am in a position to help him in ways that no one else could (although his family is as supportive as possible). At the same time, the effects of my own issues on our relationship and him as an individual are much more serious than they otherwise would be.

I have always operated under the impression that if I could just push myself a bit harder, or stay more focused, or have everything in my life organized in a way that I can stay sane and deal with it reasonably (what a laugh), that I'd be able to be a whole and nurturing partner. Now that it's becoming undeniably apparent that this isn't working, even after a lifetime of trying, I'm considering real outside help for the first time. I don't know if it will help or not, but it is very reassuring to hear that it is reasonable to consider it a real possibility.

This is a rough scenario and you certainly have my empathy. Outside help is good, but better if both of you seek it together. There is a book, if I may be so bold: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It has really helped me and may be beneficial to both of you.

In the same token, beware of being co-dependent. I can get like this, and I believe that people who have posted above have made references to the same. Can't just be him - it has to be you too, as well as both of you.

Longshanks

EDITED

Last edited by namaste on 20 Feb 2012, 11:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

are you posting in the right thread?