dysfunctional family

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Recently, I've come to the conclusion that my family is very dysfunctional. I know most families are dysfunctional but it's gotten a little out of hand lately.

Basically, I've been reading up on roles that dysfunctional family members play and I can see each of use in one of the rules. I play the victim, my sister is the enabler, my dad coldly withdraws when confronted with painful emotions, and my mom is overly protective.

Sometimes the roles reverse. In general there is a lot of denial in the family. I am the only honest one in the family and yet I am always made to be the bad guy.

I don't want to go into detail for fear of being attacked but is there anyone that can relate or help me out with this? I know I am part of the dysfunction, and I am trying to get my family into therapy. I guess I am just looking for some support.

For further information, my sister has been in one emotionally abusive relationship and I am living with her right now. I feel like she has internalized a lot of her ex's mentality. At the same time, I have also experienced a lot of bullying by peers throughout school and internalize the bullies' voices.

It's just a really ugly mess.

My family was pretty alright, although there were stresses sometimes, and eccentricity and alcoholism.

My boyfriend's family on the other hand...WOOF. I can't f*****g stand the way they act around each other. Fighting/snapping at each other all the time, his mom is such a brat, blah blah blah...

I'm sure that's not helpful but I'm stuck in a room with them all right now and this seems like a somewhat suitable opportunity to vent.

What kind of reading have you been doing about family dynamics? I've never read much on the subject, but I bet it would be helpful. Do you live at home? What's your situation like?

Most likely your family is dysfunctional because they don't think they are. In their eyes, blaming you is what makes them think they don't need therapy.

Not until my parents died and I distanced myself from all other relatives was I able to recover from the victim role. I recently made the mistake of thinking that because I had been apart from my semi-siblings for almost 2 decades, I thought that maybe they might have changed. I knew I did, so it was only logical for me to hope they also did. Boy was I wrong! As disappointing as it was to face reality, it was also wonderful in a way. That experience opened my eyes to several important things. It confirmed how much I learned how to watch out and take care of myself (I used to be naive and gullible for half a century!). I also saw what the outcome was of my semi-siblings remaining together. Their ongoing relationship is what prevents them from changing because they can keep feeding the toxic pattern they're blind to being in.

I worked hard to get where I'm at today with who I've become. It's all I have, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Without all the pain I went through, I wouldn't be able to appreciate myself now the way I do.

I very much relate to your post. My immediate and extended family are so dysfunctional, that I never realized it up until about a year ago. I always thought that it was normal and I was just the only one that didn't really adjust to life too well.
The only advice that I can offer is, get any help for yourself that you can get and keep reading about it all, so that you can identify what is happening and how it affects you negatively. Knowledge is power, but you can't do anything about other people's need to be in denial. It's a messed up system of things, seriously.

Thanks for the responses. My family is really not all the bad, I at least have my sister.

Unfortunately, my dad most likely has Asperger's, but was not aware of it until very late in life. It's just something about him.... I have always felt that there was something very deep and dark he has been hiding. I don't know what to think about him. Sometimes he puts on this extremely fake smile and he doesn't realize he is doing. It is different than typical aspie behavior. It is just weird and unsettling.

When I had my first break with reality, about 8 years ago, my parents couldn't deal with it. My dad shunned my feelings, because he doesn't know how to identify with his own. My dad himself grew up in a dysfunctional family and so I assume he has learned to distance himself from his own emotions.

I don't know - it's just very weird. My family is really not that bad, but there is always this elephant in the room, like nobody wants to talk about what they are really feeling. I am an addict myself, but the problems began before that, and have just gotten worse since then.

I don't know what to think. A lot of is me, but my inner voice tells me to I need to reach out and find some better support.

BE CAREFUL. I am the only honest person in my family, too, and I sucessfully got my family into therapy. And guess what? Again, I got blamed for my family's problems in therapy. The therapist points the finger at me and doesn't believe a word I say (he switches it around to make ME look like the problem)...all 'cause I'm young, I have a mental disability, and I'm critisizing inapropriate social norms. If you do get your family into therapy you will likely be unpleasantly suprised to find that the therapist takes your parents' side.

Thanks for the response. When I made this post, I was going out on a limb. I have no hard evidence or anything that my family is actually "bad"or anything, but some times their behavior just doesn't sit right with me. Like when my dad will accuse me of being paranoid when really I am reacting very rationally to strange or controlling behavior on his part.... or when my mom will justify attacking me when I am depressed. I realize this is common behavior when people are overwhelmed by feelings of incompetence but this doesn't make it right. I just feel like there is something everyone knows and I don't, and having experienced paranoia in the past, nobody actually takes me seriously, and I can't blame them. I just don't know what to believe. Am I paranoid or am I a victim?

I have been very honest with my therapist and when I tell her that my dad denies my feelings, she sympathizes with me rather than him, which I see to a be a good sign. I will continue to reach outward for people that are not so tangled up in the mess.

How is your family dysfunctional? Send me a PM if you don't want to say it publicly.

Ok...After spending almost a week trying to psych myself up for this...

My dad is always calling me "irrational." He challenges everything I say, think, and feel no matter how much sense it actually makes. My mom always runs away from all of my feelings except happiness and placidness. They act like they don't want any emotions in our household (but of course it's perfectly okay for THEM to yell at ME and verbally/emotionally abuse me just because they're the parents). They deny their own feelings, and therefore one can't be emotionally honest with them. They try to quietly control me through influence ("Oh, yeah, you're gonna worry about X? Well, I'm not gonna worry about X!"). There's no empathy on their part.

I wrote a little more about this in the teenagers/young adults fourm. I will probably edit this post a few times. I can empathize with your dad treating you like you're paranoid when really he has demonstrated to you that he isn't trustworthy.

Can I ask how old you are? Are you a young adult?

Actually, I'd rather not reveal my age for confidentiality purposes. I am older than 18, that is all I will say.

I was speaking from the heart of course, but a lot of it is my own doing. My dad is not a bad person, and I am not saying that to defend him. He really is not, and we are talking about a very critical judgemental person here (myself). He has always been supportive of me, but you know how it is when someone does not understand you. It is painful.

Despite the fact that I know in my heart he is a good person, I am not afraid to admit that he has hurt me in the past by denying my feelings (you know how it is, when you are depressed, people want to snap you out of it). "Oh look, the sky is blue, cheer up," that kind of thing, nothing overly malicious.