For what it's worth

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I can probably talk to a friend about some of this and get some help/support there but for now I at least need to get it off my chest and leave it open to second opinions......and sorry if it seems like a repeat of any other threads. Please do not read if you have an issue with me.........If not I apologize in advance if I take anything personally or have a hard time finding advice useful or anything like that but if anyone does have anything on this matter to say it would be appreciated.

I'm caught in a dilemma I really want to try and make the best of my life and keep going even if things do really suck......but I am having a hard time keeping myself convinced its worth it.........don't know what to do with that. It's like I'm caught in the middle......one side of me is thinking come on just a little longer keep up the beer and cannabis to make it bearable and something worth wile is bound to happen or opportunities for something worthwhile will present themselves, Then the other side is all like what's the point you've spent your whole life waiting for things to get better, what makes you think they will now..........why put yourself through anymore pain if there is nothing to look forward too anyways.

Then of course I am having kind of an issue with people in general, not like I have a problem with them, but either I've gotten worse or it's just more apparent to me how much of a negative effect I really must have on others.......certainly does not help with the current mindset because I don't even feel like I am worth anything. Also slightly disturbing and maybe I'm just over-reacting but lately It's like I can almost hear a lot of I guess my negative thoughts about myself(as I am quite sure someone cannot put thoughts that aren't mine in my brain) its gotten to the point were it will literally distract me from what I am doing and then I find myself verbally responding but that could just be too much time alone stuck dwelling on things, too much stress or who knows.......was still disturbing nonetheless.

But i just really kinda needed to say this.

First of all, forgive me if I've misunderstood any of what you've written...

But it seems to me that you are waiting for things to get better... For things to be the way you want them you have to work for it... It's not easy and you will probably want to give up a million times... How you do it depends on what you mean is wrong... Support from family and friends are always helpful but you gotta do the legwork all by yourself...

So get up and work for a better life... No one can do it for you...

And by the way... I speak from experience... I've been working my butt off since I got my diagnosis in 2005 and I still have a long way to go before I can categorize my life as a good life...

The voice that tells you "wait and something will come along and present itself" is wrong. The voice that tells you that "it's not worth it to try" is also wrong.

Opportunities do not present themselves, you have to pursue them. You have allowed opportunities to pass you by: the chance to speak up about your suspicion of autism and get a diagnosis when you went to your school's health/disability center, the chance to get some kind of degree for the money you borrowed for student loans. You have not made application for SSI/SSDI because you have talked yourself out of it before you even start the paperwork.

You have been saying you need to get a job for as long as I've been reading your posts here, but you never post about applying for any. I myself spent over an hour doing web research in order to offer you links to online job applications in the medical marjiuana industry, which you did not pursue because you said did not think your family would approve. (I don't have any issues with you and your choices, I merely remark this as an example of the kinds of opportunities which you do not pursue.)

You may try and fail, it's true: but if you don't try at all, you will SURELY fail.

Alright I was not implying I don't try.....more that I've tried my hardest just for things to continue to get worse. Like when I was a kid I did as well as I could at school, tried to make sure I took care of all my responsibilities at home and well that was about all I did other then sit in my room alone reading, listening to music, drawing or trying to write, doing homework and had no friends. Then of course I tried to ignore how my getting PTSD effected my reading/writing just to try and succeed at college.......well I pushed myself to get up for class and work study during the weekdays even though it was a lonely hell for me I coped with that by drinking most nights and after the year was up I just couldn't take it anymore....and well I tried transferring, didn't work and then I tried to give community college a go and couldn't even handle three classes So this is more frustration about having tried so hard to do something with my life only to fail miserably.

So yes that is a fair point, but i feel my current predicament is not due to lack of trying but has more to do with trying just to fail or just to see things continue to get worse......like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Alright I do see the point, I mean right now because of a lot that's gone on I am sure it's true I probably pass up opportunities and such......but I've kinda lost that hope I had when I was younger that I would somehow pull through and be able to you know figure something out. I always thought that confused "I don't get it.' feeling might be something I would grow out of so I would be able to be taken more seriously when trying to pursue interests and such. So yeah I am quite burnt out and currently probably would not see an opportunity if it bit me in the ass. I did not start out this way though, this is the result of years and years of what I hopefully described well enough in my last response.

You are certainly right about having to you know get off your ass and go apply for jobs and go do all that stuff in order for anything to happen........and I have been trying for the better part of two weeks to get up enough confidence to actually go out and ask for applications and prepare myself to actually be ready to start on a job and do it well. And am actually quite frustrated by what seems like my inability to do this....but I know it's the only way I can hope to get a job.

I guess I kind feel like I will fail either way, so why try........if that makes any sense.

Also I would like to somehow get into the medical marijuana industry, I just don't think I have the qualifications.......probably could not pass a drug test if that is required(at least right now) and well considering how horrible I do at college I don't know if I am cut out to even get the appropriate qualifications..........but I would like to get into that regardless of what my family thinks. They aren't much help anyways so why should I care what they'd not want me to do and actually not do it because of that at least I try to convince myself of this.

I think the biggest thing you need is a professional therapist to talk to and even consider some kind of medication (there are plenty of things other than SSRI's to try). It just looks to me like it's a lot more than just life circumstances that's causing you to suffer so much. It's your own emotions torturing you and stopping you from functioning and contrary to what other people are saying I don't think it's possible to change that completely on your own. I know you don't have the best relationship with your mom but at the same time I think she is morally obligated to help you financially in terms of getting proper therapy. She brought you into this world after all. You just have to get over the initial hump of not letting the fear of her potential disapproval of something, feeling unworthy, like you're a burden, or whatever else get in the way. The problems you're having are not your fault and you should be adamant about that.

I really just think you need a professional person to work with you. Someone who is trained to discuss things in a way that you can feel comfortable and not get upset or pushed away for fear of being hurt. You need someone who understands how to walk the fine line. Giving practical advice or challenging you on things while being supportive and not unintentionally confrontational at the same time. On the internet you're bound to get comments that seem clueless, unhelpful, or upsetting because it's impossible for outsiders over the internet to know exactly what you need. You're going to get that on any internet support site no matter how well moderated.

On the other hand, you have a lot of people who support you here and I'll always be willing to listen if you just need to vent. If I was a religious person I'd say I was praying for you because I really do care. There's just a limited amount anyone can do over the internet.

and yeah sometimes I need to vent I am glad it does not piss everyone here off.

Have you tried looking up free counselors, or services in your area? You should try looking into finding someone who can help you for free, or an organisation that will help with the funds.

If you can get a diagnosis, it will make it easier for a college to give you more support, so that if you decide to go again, you will be more successful.

My mom and dad are rehab counselors and work with a lot of disabled and injured people who are looking for retraining. I'll ask them tomorrow what they suggest on financial aid for counseling and diagnosis.

Alright...I am not so intrested in being re-trained, whatever exactly that is. But yeah maybe they would have suggestions.

If she really refuses to help you get treatment then I'd say she is a horrible parent. I mean, would she do nothing if you had a life threatening illness that wasn't mental? What if you had cancer? Would she refuse to help then?

I guess the reality is I just don't see things improving for you unless you can get help with your emotional problems. I just don't think it's a battle you can fight entirely on your own. At some point you just need to stand up firm to people and tell them the situation is really dire. That and stop giving a f**k what all the a**holes of the world think. You're a good person and that's all that should matter.

I'm sorry if this is making you feel worse but it just seems f****d up and it's really upsetting to me.

I usually have some sort of advice or feedback but advice can only go so far. I would say seek therapy but I suffer from PTSD along with other issues myself and I'm not willing to do that so I'm not going to tell you to do something I wouldn't do myself. I don't know, it's f****d that your mom isn't willing to help you. If you're only trying just to see if you'll fail though, you're not really challenging your beliefs you're confirming them.

Well, it seems like the main issue isn't beliefs but negative emotional triggers. I mean, there's fear, not just of failure, but even worse is the fear of being judged and forsaken by people. There has to be a way to work through those things so that they don't grind your life to a halt. I don't think there's anything outside that preventing a happier life, but that's the crux of it.

Also maybe it's not a battle I can fight on my own but that's becoming the only option so it kinda feels like either die trying or just give up now. And that is not a bad idea I just really suck at standing my ground and being assertive about things but I kinda feel like even if I could be assertive about it be firm about the situation being dire people wouldn't really give a damn, and some things that have taken place in my life seem to confirm that. Also I wish I could just not give a crap about what people say or think in regards to me, it would make it easier not to take things personally but unfortunately I'm not sure how to do that.

but yeah it's all good, I don't feel you were trying to make me feel worse.....but it is a bit of a dire situation so it is not exactly a fun happy topic to discuss so its certainly understandable.

Yes well I guess if people had not proven time and time again they will judge me negatively for just about every move I make and/or abandon me I might not be so afraid of it happening. I mean it's not all in my head, a lot of times now it can be but I am so used to that sort of thing actually happening it's hard to convince myself it wouldn't and well in reality it still could and does happen to me.

So maybe that is where some of the self loathing comes in I feel like trying to convince myself I wont experiance more of that......I feel more like it might be better to focus on 'what's wrong with me, that provokes people to treat me like that.' So of course not only do those things happen but I usually blame myself.

Well I was more trying in the hopes I wouldn't fail at everything and in the hopes things would get better.......then after years of seeming to fail at everything(well other than school when I was a kid) and things progressively getting worse I guess I finally got fed up and the horrid numbness that I never had before the PTSD does not help so sometimes it just feels like I shouldn't bother anymore. kinda learned helplessness I never could get out of the situation so I got used to it and now its hard to see any other options. I might try therapy again if I can ever afford it but yeah from past experience it does not seem to help a whole lot.

Also just to keep things clear its not so much she would not want to help, its more she usually does not know how to help and cannot really afford to help with the financial aspect. Not to mention in reality I am 22 I shouldn't even be so dependent on others anyways.

Well, I'm kind of surprised nobody's mentioned this yet (at least in this thread). I didn't read every reply though, but did do a quick search on the page and couldn't find any mention of it.

I don't know if you've heard this adice before. If you have, sorry.

The first thing that jumped out at me in your OP was this:

If you've already heard this before, go ahead and skip this.

When you've got serious problems to address, you're not going to be well equipped to do it if this is how you're making life bearable. You cannot deal with RL problems effectively with a fogged head.

This is the first thing I would deal with if I were you. If you don't, no one can be of much help. It would be like trying to explain in words how to get out of a maze, to a deaf person, or at least someone very hard of hearing.

Unless and until you're willing to deal with that, I don't believe any help offered would do any good at all.

Sorry if this hurts you're feelings, but I've dealt with drugs and drinking problems myself, and watched a TON of other people go through this as well. Without a clear head, anything else you try will not work out well. Start with that.

For now, that's all I have to offer.

Sorry if this is curt and blunt, but having been through this with myself and several friends, I have not found any more effective way to address this issue.

You need to deal with that first. If you're willing to, you stand a chance of getting past the real issues you're facing. If you aren't, you don't.

That is entirely up to you.

So, are you willing?

EDIT: Sweetleaf, I'm not saying you're necessarily an alcoholic or an addict. Only that use of alcohol and drugs complicate already complicated issues. It's too hard to deal with the underlying issues that seem to be causing you to use alcohol and cannabis to make them bearable, because there is no telling what's could be caused by the alcohol and/or cannabis, and what could be caused by other problems, until and unless you take both of them out of the equation. You don't have to be an addict for them to cause complications. Once those are out of the picture, then it's what's left that can be dealt with. Make sense?