Wish I knew 20 years ago what I know now

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I went to a movie tonight ‘Chronicle’ where young teens were going to parties, having fun, making friends, having sex, ect. ect. My life was never like that, and not knowing about Aspergers until age 35 didn't help either.

As I was walking out of the theatre I thought to myself, did I ever go to a 'single' party as a teen? The answer was no. I regret missing all the 'teen' stuff even though I lived though all my teen years. I was a loner, I read a book a week, I kept to myself, I hung out in the computer lab at school, and I was not involved in ANY student activity groups or organizations.

I had oral sex once at age 17, then no other sexual experiences or relationships until I was 24 and met the woman who became my wife. (we've been together since 1995). My mother could not understand this as she said I fit the bill for 'Tall, dark and handsome'. Aspie men aren't popular.

I've literally had dozens of unrelated jobs, and my future looks no different. I've lived at or near the poverty line my whole adult life. I see other people my age who own cottages, boats, take expensive vacations to the tropics, Europe and elsewhere; middle class people my age who have done and accomplished something in life with the success to show for it. What do I have?

I have matured and grown out of a lot of my Aspie traits; such as poor hygiene, unwillingness to make eye contact, social avoidance, fear of crowds, ect, ect. The problem being is that I needed to know all of this stuff 20 some years ago and now it’s largely too late for me. I've alienated most of my extended family away from me, and I have no personal friends.

I saw another movie recently, the 'big chill' about middle age friends who grew up together who were meeting and reuniting after a funeral. I can never look forward to reconnecting, because I never connected in the first place. I was the odd ball, the 800lb gorilla in the room everyone felt safe to ignore, and I was ignored.

I try to be comfortable in the present because the past is only regret and despair, and the future looks equally bleak with little or no prospects for improvement, that alienation will increase and my body will decay.

Just a little down tonight.

Well i felt the same way many times. I wish i had known i have aspergers earlier i could have avoided all the possible stupidity.

I kept chasing people...i would desperately give away my phone numbers to people whom i met on bus or on park benches or on facebook. I would forcibly ask them to come to my house.

Some of them took advantage of me by molesting me, some would simply cut me off and many of them would ignore me.....

I would rush into meeting relatives and they would just chase me away......

Same about jobs i would attend fancy interviews in big organisation only to be humiliated and told that i lack confidence, self esteem
etc and asked to leave.

Now I am in early 30's and i have realised that my past, future and present everything would be bleak.
No point in reading motivational books, no point in learning occult

You wont believe i had also started a business when i was 30
it flopped miserably and it was a people oriented business
where i had to talk with them and make eye contact and give them moral support etc

Everything flopped

I think I've known that I'm a bit odd ever since I was a young child. I didn't know why and I might not ever unless I actually do get a diagnosis.

I always preferred to keep to myself rather than become involved in social activities in high school. I didn't really understand how people expressed romantic interest in others such that the result was a relationship. As a result I've tended to stay in abusive relationships, clinging to any sign of affection. However, I've learned so much about myself from everything I've experienced that I don't know that I would prefer things to have gone much differently. I think I would rather live and suffer the experiences of living than never live at all. Seeing people close to me suddenly die has caused to me cherish the time that I do have to learn and experience living. I have friends who are less romantically experienced than I am, who have never been in a relationship of any kind by age 24 and yet they seem relatively content. (Granted, we're all on anti-depressants, hah!)

I feel like I really haven't experienced much of the social side of life and while I've been a bit envious of others at times, in the end I like myself as I am and wouldn't want to be someone else and miss out on the (socially isolating) things about my life that I value.

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OP, you have lots of tme left. you're probably halfway through your life, and less than halfway through the adult portion.

if you had been diagnosed 20 years ago, what would be different? do you wish for friends? parties? closeness to your relatives? more sex partners? a better job or higher education? you can have these things still (except for more sex partners unless your wife agrees).

fact is, even if you went back and redid stuff with the knowledge of AS, you'd still be YOU. so instead of looking back and feeling regrets, maybe look forward and think to yourself what you want to change so that the second half of your life fits into your hopes and dreams. there is absolutely no reason why you couldn't go to parties and have friends now, and no reason you can't have a "big chill" moment at age 60 instead of 40.

you're actually kind of lucky because if you'd had this knowledge 20 years ago, you wouldn't have been ready to change because you hadn't grown out of your "poor hygiene, unwillingness to make eye contact, social avoidance, fear of crowds" etc... but now that you have grown out of it as well as being are aware of your AS, you are armed with the tools to make changes.

the first half of your life is gone, but don't make the second half suck by giving up on changing anything. the past is over but your future is in YOUR hands.

I agree with hyperlexian, you shouldn't blame yourself or feel guilty, some people start living at 40 plus there wasn't as much awareness or websites like this one around back then so I'm guessing it was more difficult to develop understanding and confidence in yourself.

OP, I understand. It took me over 20 years to overcome the worst of my ASD symptoms. Now that I know, it's still hard.

I spent 20 years in a verbally abusive marriage. 6 months after the divorce, I was "charmed" into another bad relationship that lasted 7 years.

Here's the real test - I'm on my own, and unwilling to get in a relationship for years I hope. I haven't even started dating again. I am afraid of making the same mistakes, so I'm stalling until I get more counseling.

I have one girlfriend I can count on in a crisis, but she doesn't seem interested in keeping in touch. I know she's busy but it does hurt my feelings. Right now I don't even have a car, so reaching out and making friends is difficult, but I have hope for the future. I will have to redefine my idea of a friend, and realize at best I may make some social acquaintences, but doubt I have but one "real" friend, the busy one.

As far as jobs, I am on disability after many, many minimum wage and various jobs, despite having a Master's Degree in Business. Don't feel bad about that. Have you considered disability?

Is your wife supportive?

Are there social activities you can attend to make friends?

Best wishes. It CAN get better, I have faith.

Your post really resonated with me because, even though I'm a bit younger than you, I feel the same way. I was diagnosed in adulthood and lately I've just been feeling like a failure in my life. I have a friend who is my age and she's a college professor. I'm still struggling in school. She has her own house. I live with my parents. I didn't make a real connection with anyone until I was 19 and she's my only good friend.

I wish I could give you some reassuring words, but you're not alone and I feel your pain.

I understand, I think about this too.

I compensate by giving the type of advice I would have needed, like, ten years ago.