Don't know what to say anymore.

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Other then sorry I'm so annoying, complain all the time, have ongoing problems, am depressed, feel bad most of the time, I wish I could be different so people would not hate me........but I don't think I'm ever going to be the person people figure I ought to be, I might not stop being depressed or negative or sensitive. Its just frusterating when it feels like the only skill I have is bothering people and making them hate or dislike me. I'm just an easy target and I guess I don't see what the point of living life that way is....I mean it sucks, it causes me all kinds of pain and as far as I can tell it's not going to change. I am still trying to figure out a way to make income and go on with life but it all just feels so meaningless.

yes its kind of a rant/vent......no one has to say anything unless they really feel like it.

Don't feel you need to apologise.

I'll try, but it is how I feel at the moment.

You sound depressed. You should talk to your doctor/therapist about this. Also, it sounds like you have been dumping your emotional upsets on your family and friends. That is a turn off for them. Instead, save it for your therapy sessions. When not in therapy, you need to do stuff to keep yourself distracted and occupied.

- Listen and/or play music
- Exercise
- Hobbies
- Read
- Take courses, either in person, or online
- Join a clubs/take part in other activities
- Volunteer/Charity work
- Surf the I-net
- Watch TV
- Go for walks

Don't just sit and moan,--do something to take your mind off your problems. I speak from a lifetime of experience. Because of my Asperger's, I have suffered from chronic depression all my life. Keeping distracted and occupied does help. It definitely helps me. Because I am able to keep myself occupied, and because of an improvement in my living situation several years ago, my depression is at a very low level, and I am able to handle life now without therapy or drugs.

Now pick some stuff to do, and go do it!

I don't know if anything I usually keep everything mostly internalized around friends.......but the past couple weeks I've had a hard time keeping everything bottled up so I've been more prone to taking things too hard and kinda over-reacting. But no if anything I am usually too afraid of pissing people off to dump too much emotional upsets on them...it just ends up happening un-intentionally when I've had enough and something sets me off if that makes any sense.

As for seeing a doctor or therapist, I am working on figuring out how to make income so that might be an option...though I've been in therapy and it never seemed to do any good I mean paying someone so I have someone to talk to after a while makes me feel pretty pathetic....and every time I am in therapy that is what it ends up becoming. So maybe I'd go in more of a diagnoses direction but either way I still have to wait till I can afford it, if I ever can.

I do things to keep myself distracted, which can help temporarily but the pain is always there putting a damper on any enjoyment I might get from any activities.........hell I would love to be able to pick up a book like I used to in order to just get away from everything but reading is now a trigger for my PTSD symptoms because I was reading a book when it all started. But yeah I agree with that, the issue is I am not sure what to do about not being able to get any enjoyment because that kinda gets in the way of me even wanting to do anything. Hence the sitting and feeling down.

I probably do need to talk to a doctor or something about this.......but thanks for giving suggestions.

The more and more you think inwardly, the more and more that negativity is going to build in yourself. I know it's difficult to avoid being self obsessed or absorbed in life when you are fixated on negative thoughts but if you could find things to distract you from those negative thoughts, you would start to have a more positive outlook. Perhaps even working in a charity shop or pursuing an interest in the daytime would help? Sometimes when I'm in a negative mood, I play video games or read books to distract my mind.

I can totally relate to you Sweetleaf. All I can say is all that internalizing isn't good, you just need some steady shoulders to lean on from time to time. Therapy might be an excellent idea.
I've got about fifteen years on you, and I still have trouble connecting emotionally with people. I'm rooting for you.

I am rooting for you too. I am 31 now and have developed lots of coping skills through therapy and spent several years taking antidepressants/antipsychotics/etc..

The drugs were not a cure, but they did function as a bandage that allowed the underlying wounds to scar over enough that now I can leave home and walk around in the world without too much pain. The horror of flashbacks is a constant low-level source of anxiety for me since my abuse was chronic and took place over the entire first two decades of my life...i.e. there are few daily activities that do not have some horrific memory attached to them.

Drugs may not be the ultimate answer, but maybe they slowed down the world outside enough that I could start coming up with my own ways of dealing with it.

Heck, these days, sometime I even smile and some of those time I mean it!

And I know you can't help but feeling like apologizing to us...that is okay. Just know that we don't feel like you need to apologize but totally understand that you do.

I guess, I've just tried it before multiple times and it did not seem to help and I just ended up feeling bad for being such an outcast I needed to pay someone to talk to me. Not to mention as far as I know its expensive but some therapists do it for cheaper but yeah it seems like my problems are too complex for every therapist I've talked to so maybe I should pursue talking to a psychiatrist or someone who could diagnose or something. But yeah for now maybe I'm wrong but my focus is trying to figure out income and also what I could maybe do to improve my life but I just really don't know.

I'd just focus on getting a psychiatric diagnosis. Also, if you get a part time job and make a little income you could pay your mom a little bit of rent or possibly live with someone else and pay rent there. I think if you can show the government that you're living independently you'll have a better case for getting medicaid and/or disability income. Then having medicaid will open up options for actually seeing a psychiatrist. At least that's how it works in Michigan. The only part that's a b***h is a lot of psychiatrists don't take medicaid. Some jobs will give you health insurance but it's a real b***h as when you lose and/or change jobs you'll lose your insurance. So I wouldn't ever completely rely on employer provided insurance for long term treatment. You really do have to find someone that takes medicaid. It's so unfortunate that the insurance system in this country is f****d up for people who have health issues that interfere with employment.

I don't think it's right to get down on yourself for having a mental health issue. If some people think it's okay to blame the victim for having a mental health issue that's their own assholery and ignorance. I'm not saying use a mental health issue as an excuse for not pushing yourself, but at the same time don't bash yourself just because things are more difficult for you. I just really wish you could respect yourself. Not saying that that alone will make everything easy. It's just not fair to add insult to injury by hating on yourself, especially when you're basically a good and compassionate person despite whatever mental problems you have to deal with. There are some real losers in the world but you're not one of them.

Well I try not to get down on myself for my mental issues, and its not even nessisarly people blaming me for having issues. I mean even if they don't, blame me they can still take out their frustration on me because I guess I have a victim mentality and yeah I wish I didn't and could build up that survivor mentality but for whatever reason I have not been able to. But I guess that is grounds to justify people putting me down at least that is the impression I get sometimes........Also I've been pushing myself all my life and still am, so I hardly use it as an excuse not to however I can only take so much I guess so I get burnt out but that does not mean I could push myself harder that means I simply need a break otherwise I am likely to suffer complete mental overload. Also I guess I never developed grounds to respect myself I mean every ounce of confidence and hope I might have had about myself and life has been crushed repeatedly its like if I ever make a little progress in that somethings always there to crush it again.

Anyways sorry for going on and venting so much about all that but yeah I really needed to get all of that out in that way. But yeah you are right that I should not be so hard on myself and I certainly would like to try and focus more on some positive aspects. I guess sometimes I just start feeling guilty for everything so I get caught up thinking if so many other people put me down there must be good reason. Also it may have to do with internalizing frustration. As for what I have in bold I think that is the biggest thing on my mind at the moment and I just really can't see a solution. I did kinda go off ranting so I figured I'd sum it up a bit.

Another thing that makes it hard not to get down on myself is I'm just a burden to society because I couldn't just succeed and make something of myself. Even though I don't really agree with that line of thinking it's hard to get rid of I guess since I've internalized it so much.

I don't think anyone owes society enough to be a burden.

That is a good point.

but yeah maybe I should just forget the disability and medicaid thing, I mean I need income to afford to get diagnosed to even qualify for that. I just don't see what I am supposed to do if I don't find a way to make income..........I have been doing survey sites the past couple days but I'm doubting that is going to make up for the lack of college loans or an actual part time job. It's really looking hopeless. But so life goes.

This applies to me 100% as well.

I do apologies sometimes to the friend that I complain the most to.

I hope you find something soon on the job front.