Trying to escape an abusive friendship

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I'm feeling rather drained right now, so I don't want to go into the detailed complexity of my situation. Yet I deeply need some comfort right now, and there is no one else with whom I can talk about this.

For the past seven years, I've suffered through an emotionally abusive friendship. I met her through a mutual friend, and, for quite awhile, our friendship seemed normal and healthy. At some undefinable point, however, things began to spiral downward. She became possessive, demanding, controlling, manipulative, condescending, and overall not the "best friend" she proclaimed herself to be. For years I simply sucked it up with an iron facade, hoping she would grow out of it. I was submissive and vulnerable. She had power over me; every time I made her angry or if she wanted me to do something, she would threaten to ruin my life. Despite the fact that we did not attend the same high school, she had a lot of friends at my school, and she had made a Facebook page in my name. Which meant that she had control over my reputation, which was shaky to begin with due to my own idiosyncratic nature.

I've finally realized that she can't hurt me. None of the people who have really cared about me have liked her, even those who hadn't met her. I don't care too much what people from high school think anymore. And yet I feel horribly, horribly guilty. She was a bit unstable, and always paranoid about losing friends. She did, in her twisted way, truly consider me to be her best friend and now I'm tearing that away from her. After a month of ignoring her, I just sent her an email confessing how she's made me feel, and I know she won't like what she reads.

Now, I wouldn't have initiated contact with her if it were up to me, but she kept texting, calling, and emailing me for the past two weeks and I thought it was unfair to leave her hanging.

For years, I've desperately wanted her out of my life, but I kept waiting for her to do something malicious enough to deserve it. To be perfectly honest, she never did: she never carried out any of her threats, for one. The only thing she is really guilty of is moderate emotional abuse. I feel absolutely horrible right now, and I'm not even sure whether or not I'm doing the right thing.

Threatening you with a facebook page pretending to be you is malicious enough if you ask me.

If that was me, I would have complained to facebook.

You are doing the right thing. It's not your fault, and you should have done it long ago.

I feel the need to note that she has called me twice today from her cell phone, left me a voicemail (which I haven't had the pleasure of hearing yet) and then called twice again, using a proxy number to make me think my parents were calling.

She sounds vindictive.

Don't give in to it. You don't need this kind of abuse.

I went through something similar, only it was an ex-boyfriend.

My counselor described it like this: How do you kill a 7-headed Hydra monster? The mythological monster that grows two heads back every time you chop one off. He said you STARVE IT TO DEATH.

How? You don't respond to her again EVER.

I tried for almost 2 years to let him go gradually, and this is the ONLY thing that worked. Trust me, it will work. Anytime the temptation to answer her is too great, just vent on WP!

The book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" explains it.

He also considered me his "best friend" and he had lost so many I hated to leave. He was very mentally ill, and I wanted to "fix" him. I finally realized he didn't want to take his medicine right, he didn't want to get better. His mental abuse got to be too much....she's not a friend, face it!

You can stay away, I know you can.

Bookworm is correct.

Very good advice.

I agree with all of the above.

Perhaps the best thing you can do for her is to cut her off so that she has to face the repercussions of what she has done. Some people can only learn from extreme reactions.

I suspect there is no good ending in this. But the ending that will be best for both you and she is if you can cleanly and permanently cut off the relationship.

From what you have posted, you come across as deeply compassionate and I suspect it hurts you a great deal to have to deal with this. I assume it will be hard to deal with, but you don't deserve to be treated that way and she needs to learn that there are repercussions to her actions.

I wish to you well.

I've been in a couple similar situations. I won't tell you not to feel guilty because you can't control how you feel, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. What you are doing is right and you are brave to leave. Don't worry about her instability, you need to look after your own safety. The advice I was given was that if the person keeps trying to contact you tell her firmly that you don't want contact and then don't engage further. What she is doing is harassment and it's not ok.

As far as her "only" being guilty of emotional abuse; emotional abuse is serious and you have every right to protect yourself and every right to be angry. It sounds to me like she is very manipulative and knows just where the line is and will go right up to it while leaving just enough room for you to doubt yourself and your judgement on how serious her actions are. Emotional abuse is a destructive thing in and of itself, and it is also a warning sign for more violent behavior. Trust yourself, you know what is best for you.

Both the abusive relationships I was in worked the same way. I kept dismissing what they were doing because I didn't think it was as serious as, say, physical abuse. (I found out after that the male friend had stalked me for a period of time, I was too busy making excuses for him to put the pieces together). In the end the emotional toll was very destructive. I was also worried about the one friend's instability. She had threatened to kill herself at one point when I had called off the relationship, and she was dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia. It seemed like any time I pulled away she would become insecure and depressed, but when I was in the relationship my boundaries kept getting smaller and smaller until I blamed myself for all the hatred she was taking out on me. I can't say whether or not some of her instability was manipulation to prevent me from leaving, but it did work to keep me trapped. I finally realized that my health was important and I wasn't responsible for her issues.

You deserve to have friendships where people treat you with respect. I hope she gets the message and leaves you alone, you don't need any further abuse. I would also recommend talking to as many people in your life as possible about it, especially if the harassment continues. It's important to have support. It's completely not ok for her to keep contacting you after you've told her to stop, and in some cases may be illegal. You are doing the right thing!

I'm in almost in the same situation, except I'm married to an emotionally abusive women. We were married for a short bit 28 years ago, and got divorced. Four years ago, we started talking again and got married again. It was a mistake from the start and it has been downhill since. My wife is like you have described. If I try to leave, the phone calls, coming to my job, etc. ensues until I relent and come back. Thankfully our daughter advised me to do as you all have suggested. Move out and get a restraining order if she starts harassing me. Still feel guilty though as she is not in good health and is trying to get on disability. But then again, she uses that as ammunition to get me to stay.

Some good advice here.

I agree wholeheartedly that emotional abuse is not minor, it destroys you from within & affects your physical body by damaging your psychological health.

If other people won't respect healthy boundaries, you have to set it for them. As said already, that may only be possible by total withdrawal, but you must do it if it is damaging you. They do not own you nor do you owe it to them to let yourself be damaged to make them feel a bit better about themselves.

Better to get out of the situation, let any guilty feelings pass by (they will fade) & concentrate on finding a better life for you with people who deserve good, kind friends.

@ phinn40

This is EXACTLY what took me so long to leave - his illness. Same situation, he would use it to convince me to stay, as if his needs were more important than mine. Every time I wanted to visit family or do something on my own he "needed" me and would say he was more sick.

When I actually left for good, it was a nightmare because I wanted to call him back so badly; I wanted to "fix" him, hold him and make everything ok again. But when I got past that, I was amazed how incredibly easy it was. Yes, at first he sent texts and called non-stop but he finally stopped and gave up. I moved so he couldn't find me. It took me years to leave because I was afraid of him and I knew he would pursue me. But now that I know how easy it was, I wish I'd done it sooner.

PM me if want. I can relate.