The only thing i could commit to is suicide.

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That is what i would write on my suicide note. I've thought about it a million times. Slicing my throat, stabbing myself, jumping off the car park roof. I've thought about it so intensely that i nearly had a panic attack just imagining it.

I've had two suicide attempts already. The second time was pretty serious as i OD'd and slept for a few hours before realising that it would be a slow, painful death and went to hospital. It was too late for charcoaling and they basically made me puke it all up, bile and all, while i was whacked out on painkillers.

I keep getting disturbing images like my dead body or the dead bodies of others just float into my mind at random. I also get fleeting ideas of inappropriate sexual acts with others. I have researched mental illnesses extensively like schizophrenia and bipolar and always try to fit the criteria. I don't really believe i have these illnesses, but i put all my effort into seeming to have them. I just feel like a sick individual.

To top it off, I'm gay and i have aspergers, the latter I constantly blame on my father. I'm always a bully to others in my family because i feel pathetic and small inside. It gives me a sense of power.

I know this all sounds extreme, and i don't know if its appropriate for this forum, but i feel like things are starting to come to an end. I can't explain it but I'm desperate for help.

Thank-you for sharing your story about your suicide attempt. I've been in a really bad place the last few days and hearing that was a reminder that's not a good option. So, don't be so hard on yourself, you're not a bad person and you actually just helped me out a lot.

I hope you're able to find some help for what you are going through. Have you gotten in touch with a crisis hotline or counselor? Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

1. You need to seek psych help to deal with your extreme suicidal thoughts. The fact that you have already actually tried twice proves this.

2. You need to find things to do to keep yourself distracted and occupied, so you don't focus so much on stuff that freaks you out and depresses you.

- Listen to and/or play music.
- Exercise--the endorphins will boost your mood.
- Read.
- Take courses, either in person, or online.
- Hobbies.
- Volunteer with charities. There are people out there who are worse off than us.
- Join a club.
- Surf the I-net
- Watch funny TV shows/DVDs.

Give one or more of these a try, but do also go for psych help.

"People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead."


Quoted from
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

I've fought suicidal feelings all my life too. Just wanted to say you're not alone... Hang in there! *hugs*

I have intrusive thoughts of violence and suicide quite often. I have no desire to commit suicide or hurt myself these days, but they still happen. You're not alone *hugs*.

I've been having some serious mental issues as well, having all these medical conditions is weighing me down.

Snap. Not only do we have to deal with the AS and the difficulties associated with it, but being gay is something else that's thrown on to the pile. I have tried to commit suicide at least three times that I can remember (in one period about a decade back).

From my experience - please note this is what I went through, this is what worked for me, each person is different and what worked for me may not necessarily work for someone else.
For me, these feelings of suicide actually helped. The old saying where you have to hit rock bottom before you can start to feel better (blatant paraphrase ) is true in many cases. I hit the bottom, I could not get any lower than how I felt, right then I realised I had only two options.
The first was suicide. Ending it all as I saw it as a way the end the pain, if I wasn't alive then I would not be around to feel the pain I was experiencing, seemed logical at first. However the problem I saw with this approach is that if I did die then sure, there would be no more pain, but there would be no chance of feeling joy, there would be no chance of feeling anything ever again. This option seemed, and was, too extreme and eventually I saw it as illogical upon reflection. Yes I wanted to pain to go away but I did not want everything to go away. This inevitably lead to the second option.
The second was self improvement. I could not get any lower than where I was (once I ruled out suicide) so the only way was up. I decided I no longer wanted to feel this way, and I had built up a massive supply of negative emotion. This emotion was so strong that it tore me apart, I broke down and cried, I let it out and I came to grips with the situation I was in. I then used this emotion as a resource to drive me forwards kind of like a sling shot effect, I cannot remember exactly how I did that but I do remember feeling something along the lines of "there's no way I'm going through this s**t any more". From that point forward all that negative energy seemed to be converted in to positive thinking, it's like when you are exercising and you get that sudden rush of adrenaline when you need it most.
I was then able to see life completely differently than I had done before. I realised that things could and would get better with time. I now felt that I wanted to live, I wanted to see what the future held. The future was no longer a road filled with misery but a journey filled with mystery. I had no idea what the future held, nobody does, but I was so curious where before there was only fear.
A few things that aided me greatly during this transition were: not drinking, not using any recreational drugs, getting in to a routine (getting up early, keeping myself busy and going to bed at a decent hour), exercising (this, combined with not drinking were the two biggest influences on me), eating healthier foods. I combined these activities with: remaining positive, accepting the situation I was in and most importantly understanding that my situation would not get better over night, it would take time for me to feel better and I should not try and rush the process.

This is extremely private to me and nobody in my life knows about it. The reason I'm sharing it here is because I feel that it may be of some use to others. Try not to be ashamed of how you feel, try not to feel guilty or beat yourself up. These feelings you are experiencing are natural, they can be explained, understood and above all they can be overcome. Each persons experiences are different so there isn't a panacea for the pain, instead you should try and find a solution that works best for you. A good start would be to consult your GP, let your doctor/psychiatrist help you, they are a great resource. As too are we on here. I know what you are going through (and by the sounds of it we experience similar issues with being gay and having AS) as I have been there.
I hope this story of my experience has helped you in some way and I wish you the best of luck with your recovery.

Have you done a lot of research on OCD

I've researched into ocd but i don't think i fit the criteria for compulsive behaviors. Saying that, i have suffered from anorexia and compulsively over-exercised but i don't think this had anything to do with an obsession. That may sound contradictory since an eating disorder is in itself an obsession but...

Thanks for your replies, they made me feel a bit better.

There is a form of OCD called pure O that involves obsessions without the compulsions

That sounds like me. I have intrusive thoughts a lot.

I joined an OCD forum a few weeks ago. I never heard of pure O till then. Maybe the forum will be of some help~ http://www.stuckinadoorway.org/forums/index.php

This is just a poor attempt at changing the meaning of something by placing focus on the wrong words and twisting them around.

Suicidal people seek the ceasation of pain, they want the pain itself to end. They do not seek the feeling of relief, to experience in its place.

You have to be alive to feel relief but you do not have to be alive for pain itself to cease.

or simply trying to kill the pain...nothing to feel if one is dead, that is part of what made the idea appealing to me. I mean I really hate to say it but yeah, when your so far down the idea of 'I have to be alive to feel relief' doesn't even come up......it's more like 'OMFG this is so horrible I just want it to end.' at least from my experiance.

Thanks for sharing this, it's like it has to be spelled out for me-- I'll get bits and pieces, some progress here some backsliding there.... I see the motivation driving you forward; you didn't want to hit bottom again. What I'm curious about, was it hard to do? I mean, addiction is one helluva thing to finally kick, most people I've known have died from their addiction or their lives are barely holding together with a lot of support. Personally I'm battling my own addictions, I find no *reason* to stay sober when everything is so much easier to deal with stoned. I do more and get more done because I'm not constantly addled with worry and anxiety but at the same time I know what I"m doing is wrong, a "short-cut", much to deal with some other time that may not get here.

Sorry if this is derailing the thread I find it quite encouraging to read others have overcome so much adversity and have found peace I'm always curious HOW they did it!