trauma

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Trauma stuff is coming up. So many things triggering. Pissed. I could freaking explode. Horror. I feel so f**ked up. I went through absolute hell growing up. Being around people makes me feel worse. Like I'm more different than their perfectly normal lives. I probably enjoy a better quality of life than most, at least on the surface. Internally it's a living hell, most of the time. Sometimes I feel normal, okay, sorta. Memories are really awful. Hospital records of my father bringing me in carried in his arms. There was a difficult birth ten months before and I was resuscitated was in the hospital for a whole week. There was a note in the record about a neighbor concerned about care of the child - speak to John, and parental neglect. They sent me back home after three days and did nothing. Profuse vomiting for three days. The notations look poor and reflect a poor quality of care on the part of the hospital and speaks to numerous incompetencies. That's what you get from Military Hospital. Unbelievable. I don't know how I've managed to survive as well as I have considering everything. It's a mystery even to myself. How can I be so smart and so ret*d at the same time? I hate life. I wonder often how much longer I can keep living with what's in my mind alone. Beautiful nice place to live. Nothing makes any sense. I can't get therapy because verbal communication is hopeless. It took me at least an hour to work this out. I'm tired of being trapped. How did I do as well as I have. Just a bizarre life that I hate.

I was in and out of schools, mostly out as a child. When I was in school bullied. That's what makes me hate people so much I guess. It's hard to get over. And missing my education is the hardest of all for me to accept. Issues due to so much trauma. I'm not fit to be anywhere. I'm going to get back to my work being this is such an incredible waste of time and energy and purpose.

People are maddening parasites. The only peace is to be away from them. I don't understand anything about it anyway. I'm mad at people who can talk normally and express themselves.

Yea...

- Don't be mad at people for being able to talk normally. I don't think that anything would be solved or better if they could not right?
- one can learn their whole life, education is not limited to childhood.
- I was also bullied a lot in school but I had no trouble forgiving them. However that takes a level of understanding, seeing that they only bully out of their own weakness, etc. You don't gain anything by hating them now, be above it and forget. It's over now.

I am sure that at one point in your life there will be more peace. Probably still on the road to getting there but..

lol!

Eigerpere
It sounds like you need to get a lot off your chest. Do you have anyone at all that you can go to about what's on your mind? We're here to support you too, if you're prepared to accept it from us. Supporting one another is what WP is all about. Some members have come up with really good ways of coping and getting through the tough times. If you can tell us about what's not going well in your life just now, maybe some of us can help you work through it. x