Fear

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So, might be a long post.

Lately i've been feeling anxious in my work environment. I thought I could get over the hump, adjust and as long as I tried hard enough I could thrive at least until I saved up some cash and did something better with my life.

I have lack of confidence in a weird way, its not that I don't think that i'm great (or so the things I know) but it feels like everyone else doesn't think so. I'm overly sensitive on a general level. A weird walk and posture that has been criticized in every school that i've been to, blank expressions or weird body language signifying emotional signals i'm not trying to send.

The latter which was commented on today by a co-worker, one of these immature people who are insecure with themselves but feel better by ripping on everyone else. Working with this person is beyond difficult, they don't even know they're an a**hole.

Its like everyone is so casual that even "personal" things are taken as them just eatting s**t and smiling afterwards.

For a job that required me to be social, I was good enough to fake it and use the same standard routine when dealing with people. Lately the routine isn't working as my mood and disposition get worse.

This job in a sense felt like a true accomplishment at one point, first job that I got without anyones help or reccomendation. First job where for a while I stood out as far as how well I did and got hired past the temporary position I originally applied for as a result.

I'm now feeling like its a clique mentallity where instead of anyone trying to be unique or be an actual individual, everyone is wearing the same mask to fit in.

It sucks, its not like I CARE to fit in but having to deal with these people for what is mostly an empty work day with nothing but "water cooler" talk and little else to feel in the gap other than avoid people.

I have a constant anxiety of going in to work and i've actually been late a few times as a result. I also think there might be some social mishaps that may get me fired in the near future.

I've been fairly depressed about this as a result.

If people call you out on being different, and not very social, just tell them in a nice way, that you are there to work, not to be a social butterfly. Tell them that as long as someone does their job, and behaves in a civil fashion there is nothing wrong in if the person happens to be an introvert. Tell them also, that some people, yourself included, are very happy being an introvert.

Personally, I believe a lot of extroverts are actually very insecure, and need to feel part of a social group, or even the center of attention to boost their feelings of insecurity.

I am an introvert, and I also have feelings of insecurity, but it's not a disaster to have those feelings. Life isn't perfect, and neither are people, so periodically everyone will feel insecure. Because I understand this, and why I have my own insecure feelings, I can deal with it without dumping on other people about it, or demanding that they make me feel good.

Your co-workers are herd animals. You are not, but must emulate herd behaviors to some extent to fit in and to do your work there. Unfortunately, when people like us make token attempts to emulate the "norm" in order to do our work, study, etc., the NTs can often sense that we are only going through the motions, and some of them get ticked off with us for not really being part of the herd, and for not really needing to be dependent upon the herd to define who we are and what our place is in the scheme of things. We tend to go our own way on fashion, social stuff, how we do our work, etc. This makes NTs very uncomfortable, because they rely so much upon being part of the herd and feel threatened by people who don't need to be part of the herd. I think it is at least partly a control issue. People and animals in a herd can be controlled easier than those who go their own way, because they are afraid on some level of being shunned by the rest of the herd if they don't conform. It can be dangerous for animals to be outside their herd because then they are in greater danger from predators, but with people, the herd itself tends to prey upon the outsider, probably because the outsider is perceived as a threat to the social order and the control of the herd.

There is no way you can make the NTs really comfortable with your being a little different, but you can at least maintain a policy of being civil, and doing your work to the best of your ability. Eventually, you can always look for a better job somewhere else, anyway.

Yeah I suppose the real issue is confidence here, I don't want to mind if others see if I come off as different. That'd be a natural part of me in the first place.

Heck I don't even know if its confidence.. its more like energy to care. Other people are always so excited--about everything. Kids, college, pets, sports, unlocking trophies on xbox. Its like at one point I used to be like this but not anymore. It could be a combination of things, a controlling and borderline abusive mother, being insulted at every turn for things I couldn't even confirm, or just realizing the world isn't anything like I was told it was growing up.

People are generally good? Religion is salvation? People can be anything they want to be? I don't know about the religion part but the other lies like everything else has become fairly draining on the psyche as of late.

It feels like its harder to evoke or feel old emotions or sensations. Its been that way for years. I don't get angry the way that I should, I don't jump for opportunities the way that I should, i'm not even happy about things that I used to get really excited about.

I think this repressed mentallity is not only effecting my energy, but is having an overall negative effect on my life as a whole.