I think I'm going paranoid

Post Reply New Topic

Ever since this semester started (which is my last before I acquire my bachelor's), my mind hasn't really been settled. A week before school, my 20 year old sister and dad had a fight over my dad giving her 15 month old son a swat on the bottom. She didn't let my dad hold him for more than a week (although her rhetoric suggested she would carry on until my dad apologised, which my dad outright refused to do). In the meantime, she made me watch him more than usual. She tried to bring him in to me at night, and I told her no. I have always had a strong conviction that as a college student, I need my rest. During that week, I could barely sleep, I was so nauseous I was gagging, and I was extremely hypervigilant.

I decided to stay with a friend for a day (which I extended out another day) just to get away. My anxiety became so bad at one point that I even considered moving out ahead of schedule or at least getting a job. In the meantime, my dad and sister came to a "no-spanking" compromise.

However, I am still nervous something will happen. Although everything seemed "peachy" when I came home that night, there have been a couple of tiffs (unrelated to her child) between this sister and my dad. I have decided if they fight again, I will not take care of her son until they work things out. Additionally, I have also decided to eventually cut her off completely and no longer babysit her child. I am still worried there will be a fight.

During the last fight, my mom basically told her most of what I have told her about my stress about the fight. My little sister took what my mom said and basically assumed that I was the only one on her side (my other sister supported my dad). She has always assumed that because I am quiet, that I am merely my dad's b***h and that my silence is because of my dad's influence (not because of Asperger's). Although in the last 5-8 years I have tried to ignore her (I really don't like her) and just stay out of her way, she complains to my dad that I don't talk to her. With her hair-trigger temper, she has made me nervous. She has also made hateful comments about my Anime/Pokemon interest in the past. When she was pregnant, she said she thought I was going to make her son "a smelly nerd."

Another thing that scares me is that my dad (who is 72) will die suddenly. He has on many a rare occasion made comments about wanting to die. He's been married twice and had 5 kids. He went through a difficult divorce with my mom 5 years ago where she basically took my sisters to Egypt without the court's permission. During a rough period between my dad and this sister I have been talking about about 2 years ago, he told me and my other sister that he felt one side of his face go numb. On another occasion he felt a sharp, transitory pain. He hasn't complained of anything since, but I worry, because he smokes a lot and he doesn't really seem to want to eat healthy (despite being full-blooded Japanese-American, he loves a meat and potatoes diet, big steaks, potato chips, donuts, and muffins). I worry because he is the family's only source of income. Everyone depends on him.

She has also placed higher levels of pressure on my dad and me. Because of something my other sister said about influence, she told my dad she didn't want him saying any bad words around her son (this applies exclusively to him, I heard her saying the f-word around her son tonight)

He is stressed about taking care of my sister's kid (because of school she isn't always available to help out with her son, but when she is free, she just sits on her bed talking to people on Facebook). Sometimes she will give up taking care of her son if he fusses too much and hand him over to my dad. In the first couple of weeks after he was born, she would literally scream obscenities in the middle of the night because he kept waking up during the night. This is how my dad became involved in her son's care. I originally did nothing, but having to take care of him while she was in the psych ward for post partum depression kinda opened the door. Now I take over watching him whenever I am home. He also constantly frets about the high cost of groceries. My sisters like to buy expensive food and he really hasn't fought them because they are hyper-assertive about everything. It seems like me and my dad have kind of been silenced by my sisters, especially the one with the baby. She will take anything out of context and blow it out of proportion. I know I'm being selfish, but I really don't want anything to happen to him prior to my graduation in May of this year. I even asked the registrar's office about a hypothetical scenario where I do an incomplete if my dad died. I am also worried my little sister will try to dump her son on me if my dad is not around.

I feel like I am just drifting through life sometimes. I really feel insecure about my future plans.... I went through a period a month ago where all I could do was think hard about my future plans. I have kind of narrowed down what I want to do, but I am really just waiting to graduate. I am kinda considering making a more serious effort at looking for a job after my last weekend workshop.

You are however, under a great deal of stress--too much! You need to sit down with your parents when your sisters aren't there to discuss the stress the whole house is under, and offer suggestions for improving things. Since you are not much of a talker, write stuff down. You can even print out my list below and show it to them to help in the discussion.

1. It sounds like your dad had at least one mini stroke. Is he under a doctor's care, and does his doctor know about the incidents you described? He needs to be under a doctors care and the doctor needs to know about the incidents you describe.

2. Who pays for your sister's I-net and phone bills? If your dad does, he should take her off his bills and let her do without or pay for her own service. She needs to take care of her own kid when she is home and not studying.

3. It appears that your parents are paying for the groceries. Your sisters should not be spending your parents money on expensive foods. Pick a time when your sisters are not around to sit down with your parents and create a basic weekly grocery list of economical foods that your family likes. There can also be a few fancier meals for special occasions, like birthdays and holidays. If your sisters want more expensive foods that are not on the list they can buy those themselves, or eat the foods from the family list.

4. When creating the grocery list try to put in some healthy, but tasty alternatives to some of the less healthy foods your father likes. I like pastries, but I also like fruit, so I usually buy fruit instead of pastries. I also buy one of the newer, healthy types of margarine, instead of the unhealthy older versions, or fatty butter. These new varieties of margarine taste okay to me. You can also use extra virgin olive oil instead of oils that are not as healthy to use. And get leaner cuts of beef and pork. Also, scrub baked potatoes before cooking, and then you can eat the skins, too. The skins have some fiber and nutrients that are not inside the potato. When making store bought fries, put them on a tray and cook them in the oven, instead of frying them in oil or fat. The companies that process them coat them in just a little oil, so they won't stick together in the bag. This is enough to "fry" them in the oven, but is a lot less than oil fried fries, so you ingest less fatty oil this way. There are a lot of other easy substitutes you can try. Have fun with it.

5. You have your own important stuff to do--school and study. You really don't have the time or energy to take care of a kid, and you are under too much stress as it is. You need to make that all clear to your sister. Also, you need to remind her that the child is HER responsibility, not YOURS!

6. Is there another adult relative living in the area who can help with child care? If so, tell your sister to ask them for baby sitting help. Or perhaps a relative living farther away can come and stay for a while to help with the kid and with household chores. If no one can come help with the child, are there any relatives who could take the child in, either temporarily, or permanently? Your sister really isn't ready for mommy hood, so the kid would be better off with more mature parents.

7. There are government and charitable agencies and groups that help single mothers with kids. Look into the local ones in your area, make a list, and give it to your sister. Some services that may be available are child care, info on parenting--including parenting classes, children's clothing, food stamps, financial aid, Housing aid, food banks, toys, etc. Housing aid would be good because it would get her into her own place, but that will only be practical if there is also child care available. Perhaps it would be easier for your parents to help her with child care if it was only during the day, and then your sister and her kid would go to their own place at night. You could suggest that to your family, if housing is available for single mothers.

The worst thing that either of your sisters can do if your parents cut off their I-net, phones, and grocery authority, is leave home. Would that be such a bad thing? Besides, it sounds like they can't afford to do that. Tell your dad that if they try to give him a hard time about it, he needs to take a hard line and just tell them either they put up with the new rules, or they can go live somewhere else, and he will help them pack. Then he should just leave the room, and not listen to any of their rants.

Don't fret too much about the future. One thing that is guaranteed is that tomorrow will come. Right now you need to focus on school and studying. Once you are done with schooling you do need to get a job, so you can get out of that stressful home.

I hope I have been able to help you.

1. He never goes to a doctor, except for symptomatic diseases. Not really into doing checkups. Tell him to go to the doctor because he has Medicare benefits. He thinks if he goes in they will force him to do bypass, even if he doesn't really know what is going on. He says the best way to deal with it is to have my sister behave herself.

2. My dad

3. Parents? I only have one parent (my dad) and my mom does not live with my dad. She relies on SSI (which runs out in Jan-Feb 2014) and lives in a small apartment across town. My dad buys steaks and lots of expensive meat, and my sisters fill in with packaged meals, gourmet cheese, bottles of energy drink, etc. I don't play any role in shopping.

6. My aunt and my older sister. My aunt is estranged however, due to my dad's ex-wife (my mother) being in the area and my dad and my lack of Christianity.