I want my Asperger dad to leave me alone

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I want to know how to get my dad with Aspergers to leave me alone - i only see him every few months and when I do see him, I feel really on edge and unhappy, because he always ends up shouting at me or criticising me. I have felt like this for years (i'm an NT teenager) and was always relieved to get back home. My brother feels the same. Recently for some reason my dad keeps turning up unannounced, and more often. I've told him that i don't want to see him but he doesn't accept it. Now he keeps emailing my mum and asking her for reasons why don't I want to see him.
I don't know what to say, because if we have an argument, he doesn't want to end the argument unless he gets his own way. I don't want to argue with him.
do you have any ideas about what I can do please?

Tell your father what you told us in your post, but do it in an email, so he can see it plain as day, and so he can't deny later on that you told him this. Include in the email that he needs to get therapy and/or meds, and to complete an anger management course if he wants to see you again. Also, show your mother a copy of the email to your father, so she knows how things are, and will be better able to support you in this.

Too many people let themselves suffer in silence, and be manipulated, and bullied by other people, when all they have to do is speak up and speak out.

Ok write that e-mail or letter and then BIN IT. Although you might be tempted, putting harsh words to paper, might end the relationship forever. That might seem fine to you now, but it'll bug you for the rest of your life. That is really bad advice.

It'd kind of obvious that we only have half the story here, the OPs parents are obviously seperated or divorced and it is not unusual for family dynamics to go a bit weird. Next time he comes over explain that his comments and the rows upset you, you do want to spend time with him, but you want it to be enjoyable. Try and keep yourself calm and in control.

Jason

Instead of telling him you don't want to see him (which will break his heart, obviously he loves you and wants to see you), I would suggest telling him how it makes you feel when he yells at you, or whatever else he does that makes you feel bad, and see if you two can get to an agreement.

P.s.: I must say I resent the fact that you seem to put all the blame on Aspergers, as if it is what makes your father unbearable to you.

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to The Haven]

Honestly that sounds like a normal parent. I've known a lot of NT parents like this and worse. It's not right, but it's probably not really the AS, either.

It's ok to tell him that his constant yelling and criticism are the reasons for you to not want to come around more, but maybe tell him That it's his actions that bother you, and not him as a person... And if he continues, talk it out with your Mum about giving him the ultimatum of getting himself under control or losing that bond with you.... Because it almost sounds borderline abusive (especially if he and your Mum don't get along well and he's just harassing her) Maybe that was the reason for divorce, nobody but you knows that in this post. If you're honestly not sure what to do, talk to your guidance councilor at school or someone similar to help you know what to do or say in situations like this... Because it REALLY sounds like it's not the asperger's, he sounds like a lot of angry NT Dad's I've known but he just happens to have asperger's. It's not an excuse to be abusive or an a**hole (And if someone with asperger's uses it to act abusive or like an a**hole... It's called knowing how to manipulate people who don't know better.) If you're abusive or an a**hole, then you're abusive or an a**hole... That's not an asperger thing, it's a human thing.

The poster isn't suggesting that their dad is intolerable because of Asperger's; it sounds like they just want an Aspie's perspective on how best to handle such a critical issue.
I'd suggest doing what my sister does with my mum, give him a warning when he starts behaving in a way you disapprove of, and if he keeps behaving that way, kick him out/leave. After months of trying that with my mum, she seems to've learned that after the warning, she can't behave in certain ways around us, which is a great improvement

Which is indeed blaming the issues on the fact that his/her dad has Aspergers, and asking Aspies how to "handle" him, or else he wouldn't even mention that his/her dad has Aspergers.

Sorry but I've seen too many blaming every issue either in their marriage or family on their Aspie spouse or family member, as if being Aspie means you're a jerk, and as if neurotypical people don't have issues.

Anyway I stand by my advice, as I said in my previous post, to simply talk with his dad (maybe with a 3rd party, like a social worker, if the dad is that scary, this 3rd person would possibly be able to see the issues better then either of them) and see if they can get to an agreement. Just telling him "I don't want to see you anymore" would be incredibly hurtful to his dad, who obviously loves him and doesn't seem to be aware of the problem.

Thank you for your replies and ideas. it is not because he has Aspergers that I don't want to see him. Some other people's dads don't bother with their kids either. A friend of mine, his dad didn't bother with him (like my dad) and he didn't have Aspergers, he was just not very nice. Then when his dad got in contact, my friend said "where were you when I needed you? I don't want to see you" . (This is the same as how I feel, that my dad hasn't been there when I needed him, because in his words "it's not convenient for me". that's just an example of what he says) Then my friend's dad left him alone, his mum had nothing to do with it. (In fact it was my mum who kept us in touch when we were younger, for my dad's sake and for our sake. I can understand that when I was a baby but now I'm older. in a way I'm glad I had a chance to know who my dad is because I won't wonder if I missed out or have regrets.)

I know that I don't want contact, because I feel scared when I see him, and I feel bad afterwards. I have felt like this for years. That is why I don't want to see him, not because he has Aspergers. When I was younger I felt hopeful when I saw him, that maybe it would be different this time, but it never was. Then, I didn't think I could choose whether to see him or not. I really do want him to leave me alone, I feel that at my age (I'm a teenager) I want to choose who I have in my life. He thinks it's my mum influencing me but it isn't, it's my own idea and i've been feeling clear about this for about 3 years. I don't know how to communicate that so he accepts it. Also my dad thinks it's just me, but my brother doesn't want to see him either, but he just makes an excuse like I'm going to a friend's house, and my dad accepts that for the moment.

Obviously I don't want to upset my dad, but to be honest he's always upset about something. Sorry for long reply, I'm trying to explain better and I have really found it helpful to hear your opinions