Stuck...

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Alright so now its likely I don't have a chance at a job, thought I did might not now....its complicated and I cant really go into it. But yeah it may still happen may not......so I guess I need to look for other work most likely seasonal one idea is to apply at an outside concert venue in my area. Other then that there is still SSI, but even though I just applied again I still cannot get over having mixed feelings about it. So that is where I am at with trying to decide where to go from here........the trouble is I feel like everything is kind of pointless I mean I just can't seem to escape the feeling of emptiness I have. No matter if I do find seasonal work and am more or less making some progress in life I am convinced I will still feel the same.


I just don't know what to do with that, and I feel stupid posting this because I feel like I can hardly explain this without just seeming like I'm rambling......but yeah its like I kind of need to figure out what my plan is for now or what goal I should have but I seem to lack the motivation because I feel like its all pointless. Regardless of this I am trying to figure out what to do anyways......but I just don't know and I feel so worthless Its hard to have any confidence that I even can survive. I guess I hope I find employment or maybe the disability thing works out. But at the same time I feel sort of indifferent towards myself like I don't care if it works out or not.....but I know that is not how I really feel.

uhh this might not make a whole lot of sense and is a bit of a ramble I guess don't know if anyone can really relate to this.....but its on my mind and frustrating me.

That makes sense to me. Like you want to really care, but almost don't somehow, like it doesn't matter? Did you read the post on executive dysfunction?

Yeah kind of....but then sometimes I feel like I care too much because I let things get to me so hard......but I feel so empty and dead inside I just cant seem to be bothered by feeling good about myself or anything like that. It is really hard to explain, but no I don't think I did read that.

Check it out. It explained a lot for me. Didn't find an answer, but it's a good explanation, you can see it on wiki. Check it out and tell me what you think.

Have you ever been in a situation before where you're self-sufficient and autonomous and it's relatively sustainable? I ask because I know that when I am, there is a sense of gratification and focus and purpose that I get from it that is very hard to imagine when I am not in that situation.

is there a specific link to an article/post thing on it or I should just look up executive dysfunction...not sure if its what the issue is but It could have something to do with it so I'll look into it.

No not really.....I mean I can shower, cook, clean and do basic daily activities and all. But I cannot afford to rent my own apartment or anything like that so I end up staying with friends & family so financially I am not self sufficient but I can get by in my day to day life. I have lived in college dorms to.....but yeah not exactly the same as independent living.

The thread is in general autism discussion, called knowing what you should be doing but rarely doing it.

alright I read the OP so far, and that seems more like procrastination rather then not getting on with things due to feeling empty, and like its all pointless. But I have yet to read the whole thread, so that is all I can comment on so far. But yeah a very basic way to describe the mindset I end up in would be 'life is pointless and I'll die someday anyways so why bother.' that is not the exact thought I have but the best way I can simplify it.

Check it out on wiki, it can be a neurological condition, something about the frontal lobes.

Alright looking at it on wiki...this is certainly one issue I seem to have. But yeah when I was in school I remember getting frustrated in writing classes because the teacher would want us to just start writing stuff......and I had to sit there for like 20 minutes trying to think of what to write and never knew how to explain when teachers nagged me for not writing. The truth was I couldn't until I thought of something to write. Also the main reason I cannot walk up to random people and talk to them is because I literally cannot.......not because I am too shy. Even at jobs that is an issue its like I will forget parts of the job if I'm not reminded or I won't know what to do unless I am told specifically what to do at the job.

So yeah that could be part of it.....but then there is the feeling of things being pointless and all to top it off.

QFT