Don't know where I'm going

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Or how to get there. Or what I plan to do when I arrive. Or if it will even make a difference.
I am 30 and have resigned myself to a life with no real friends, girlfriend, or career. I really feel like my life ended the day I was born. Growing up I never really had many friends as I was always the weird strange kid. Despite constant stimming (family found it to be funny), social problems at school, inappropriate body language/ eye contact, no verbal filter, and wild discrepancy between standardized test scores compared to school work, my family never sought help for me. My family is very religious and believes all personal problems can and should be "given" to God. I spent most of my youth praying, going to church twice a week, teaching Sunday school and being a good Christian. My issues remained and I was told that if it didn't work, I was doing something wrong. That was BS; I wasn't doing something wrong, there was just something wrong with me and frankly if this was some sort of lesson to force me to be a better Christian, God is a cruel prick. During highschool, I was accepted to the Math and Science academy, I quickly dropped out because I wanted to be normal like other kids. After highschool, I joined the military. My test scores were through the roof so I was offered a truck load of money to do advanced fill in the blank. I turned it down and joined the Marine Corps (if I was a Marine, I could not get bullied and people would respect me) This was a mistake as I have trouble with authority and being a 6'4" 200lbs Marine had no affect on my social life. Sadly it was made worse by the fact that I had nothing in common with Marines. After the military I went to a top college. I went to the cafeteria during off hours because I hated crowds. Being alone in a crowd is the worst for me. I majored in a social science instead of a real science because I was still trying to be normal. I did join a frat and several other groups but I never really made any friends. On good days, I'd get a rep for being an a**hole (very funny and smart during class, very creative and outgoing outside but I would/ could not actually talk to people- I came across arrogant and above everyone) One bad days, I was a creep and weirdo (I just kept to my self and showed awkward/ erratic behavior) I tried to kill myself; was put in a phych ward. Treated for depression and social anxiety. To this day ,meds do not work. Went to law school (still trying to be normal) got good grades without trying, had dates made some friends (Always felt like I was acting and never connected so none lasted) Graduated, got no offered from the places I interned (like in school, at work I come across as either an a**hole or a weirdo) Was unemployed for a year, dozens of interviews, no jobs. Parents still blamed me (lack of God in my life) for my problems. Finally got a temp job via an agency. I hate it because I am unemployed and because everyone else are close friends. I was recently diagnosed with aspergers but that seemed to remove the sliver of hope I had of being normal. I do get out and do things, happy hour with coworkers (again I'm alone in a crowd and don't bond), work out most days, do community service and take random classes (salsa, improv) but nothing seems to make me happy. I wonder if I ever will be happy. When I look to the future, I see nothing

I fall somewhere in the middle of spectrum, and I understand where you are coming from. One thing that I HATE about most modern Christians is the fact that they teach people that our Creator is one cruel son of a b****. I thought the same thing until I threw away all their teachings and read scriptures for myself. It took me about 5 to 6 years before I began to get the basics. about 14 years ago, I finally found a congregation that loves me for who I am. This is the only reason why I am still in the Banana Republic of Florida.

I too have worked hard all my life, hated school but scored really high on their tests, did the same on the ASVAB and joined the NAVY, and have gotten nowhere in the job market. It took me a while but I decided to hell with employers. I decided that if they didn't want me, then I would become their competitor. I gained knowledge from other individuals, read books, etc. to learn the tricks of the trade. I then started fixing things (TV's VCR's, and computers) for neighbors, and after awhile, I was getting paid. I worked out of my home and did my work for cash. My overhead was really low, so I could charge less than half the price of those who refused to hire me.

It was kind of amazing, but after a year of doing this, many of these competitors wanted to hire me. I worked for some and they loved my performance, but when the economy tanks, I was one of the first to be laid off. I got tired of this, and went back working for myself. After awhile, I did get a job with a wonderful company. The boss was a good person. However, I was injured when someone rear ended my car. I suffer several severe migraines a week which stopped me from being an efficient coder. I decided that it was unfair to continue taking money from this company when I couldn't deliver a product that my boss wanted. I now do some work and volunteer at a local autism center. I am happy with my life, and I wish you too will find happiness.

when i look to the future i also see nothing, but this is not cause for distress. no one sees anything when they look to the future. all there is to experience is what is happening right now. what is still wrong, right now, when you set aside this wonderful story you have written, and all your expectations about the way things are supposed to be?

you seem to think that because you are doing all the things you are supposed to do you should be happy, but there really is nothing that you are supposed to do in order to be happy. there is in fact nothing that you need to do in order to be happy except to disabuse yourself of the present form of your identity, beliefs, and expectations that are keeping you from being happy. your head is filled with preconditions, and the real problem is that you actually believe them. for instance, you hold normalcy as a kind of ideal. did you decide on that through specific reasoning or did you inherit it? why do you believe it? your unhappiness is due to the stress of maintaining a set of beliefs that are inconsistent with the way things are. learn to question them. if doing so makes you uncomfortable, you are probably headed in the right direction.

Last edited by wornlight on 16 Mar 2012, 12:40 am, edited 2 times in total.

You need to stop trying to conform to "normal" just because it is normal and you want to fit in. Instead, just try to figure out what you want to do and do that, and go to places you want to go. Don't try to take your cue from the norms, when it's something that you don't like or that you are not good at, because then you just set yourself up for unhappiness. Do YOUR thing, not someone else's. It's your life, not theirs.

Trying to fit in when you don't fit is pointless. It's like trying to hide a zebra in a herd of giraffes. The patterns don't match. Just be yourself, and be the best you that you can be. Because of the time you wasted trying to fit in, it may take a while for you to figure out the real you, but it will be worth the effort. Don't beat yourself up about the wasted detour to normal that went no where. Everyone wants to fit into "normal", at least when their young, before they realize that they aren't able to fit in. Now you have the opportunity to explore the real you, and reinvent yourself on the real frame work of who and what you really are. Take advantage of this opportunity.

I would also like to suggest trying to work for yourself, like Cyberscan does. For those of us who don't fit in, this is sometimes a good idea. Unfortunately, I'm not good at anything, so I can't make use of this option. But do give it some thought yourself.

To the OP: Your life experiences mirrors mine quite a bit. I have always been interested in spirituality but the fear used by christianity really turned me off. (i.e. hell being an acutal place - "if you don't do as you are told, you are going to go to hell"etc) One analogy I have found helpful is viewing christianity as one of many spokes that lead to the center (the creative energy of the universe). There is no right or wrong way to be spiritual; any path (or spoke) is a valid one. I also view the creative energy (christians call it GOD; other religions call it by a different name) as being as being very positive. Why would such a positive energy want to use a very negative emotion such as fear when dealing with his children? I personally feel the Bible has been mis-translated. Instead of the word fear (such as fear the Lord), a positive word such as love, honor or something else positve should have been used. I also feel that when we make the creative energy the true center of our universe and not ourselves we can start learning how we are all one.