Here we f****** go again....

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As you all know, I stayed at my mom's house for two weeks taking care of her. She went back in the hospital for a week and came home and my younger daughter stayed with her and took care of her because she seemed to be better. Yesterday morning I went over after my daughter went to school to help her dress and get ready for some Dr appts. Well, she got mad that she had to be alone for about an hour that morning and was saying that she wouldn't go to the Dr because she was too sick. (logic anyone?) She was short of breath. I checked her SAT and it was 84. Not good. I got her to agree to go to the ER and they sent her to the big hospital in the city. She stayed last night. They did another thorocentesis and took off 1300cc's of fluid. They are sending her back home today.

She has a choice to go to a swing bed where she can stay for 21 days and have PT and get stronger so that she doesn't need someone there 24/7. She refuses to do it because she MIGHT have to have surgery again in June and would need it then. I have told her several times that it would be the best option for her. She refuses.

This means that my entire life must be placed on hold now. I'm not selfish and I want to do everything I need to do for her, so please don't take it like that. It's very frustrating when I have to stay there constantly, have my kids and husband try to do everything here at my house, which they do not do and when I do come home I'm confronted with a huge mess, plus the fact that the entire time I'm at my mothers, when I'm not waiting on her, my only option of something to do is a book that I bring from home or watch Fox news or cooking shows, which I don't like either of.

Not only that, but I am having terrible hormonal headaches and the meds for them give me rebound headaches and there is nothing I can do about that because I won't have TIME to get to see my dr until next week and she won't call me in anything. Because the rebound headaches are so bad, I just don't take anything for the headaches now except Tylenol, which doesn't really help.

I'm so stressed and tired that I feel hungover as it is, and I am about a half inch away from a meltdown, but I cannot have one right now because I have things that absolutely have to be done. Like taking care of my mother.

She really, REALLY needs to take the rehab bed for at least a week so that she doesn't need someone. She won't because she wants to sit in her chair and be at her house with her cat and watch her tv. That is the real reason she won't do it. Does she not realize that I might want to be at my house doing what I have to do for my family there? It's not like I'm bitching over this and am the only one who can help her. I'm not that selfish or cold.

Tomorrow is my 25th anniversary too. I'll be at her house watching Fox f****** news and Iron Chef s**t instead of celebrating my silver anniversary. I am so tired still from staying there before, and from having to go full out double duty here at home to get things back to normal when I got back home. I'm so stressed out from what's going on with her health and with all sorts of things that are going on as well. I just want to get in bed and stay for a month but I can't.

I've had it.

I'll be heading over to my mothers in an hour or two, when my husband gets back home with her. He's gone to pick her up.

::sigh::

See, I don't get this (maybe it's that pesky no-empathy portion of ASD). You've already bent over backwards helping this woman who does nothing but denigrate you and your contributions *AND* refuses to take responsibility for her own health. I would have pulled the ripcord a looooooooong time ago. I think you have the patience of a saint.

Because if I don't stay with her she will end up falling and possibly dying because of that. Her being mean and having borderline personality disorder doesn't change that. Even though she has done unforgivable things to me because of her BPD she is still my mother and I do love her and I don't want her to die. I have no patience at all, because if I did, I wouldn't be as upset as I am right now. Right now I feel like I would cut off my right arm to get out of having to go. Plus, I'd probably get morphine for that, which would make her a lot easier to deal with

I don't know how you've kept up your patience this long. You must have quite the reserve of it, I must say.
Is it in your power to change the situation without your mother's permission? I know you love her and want to take care of her, but it doesn't sound like what she wants is in her best interests. I'm not saying throw her in a home or anything, just in regards to the special bed etc, to make her more able to take care of herself.
The silver lining would hopefully be some peace for you, at least for a time.
Just my assumptions though, I clearly don't know the situation.

sending good thoughts your way, as I can't figure out any thing else. Happy 25th anniversary, though. Could you and your husband plan a future getaway, to be enjoyed at some point, so you could dream about it?
That is rough that the home is a mess when you get back.
Too much all on you - could they clean up after themselves for the time being.

Brace yourself and tell her how its going to be.
No negotiation. Don't give her an inch, thats the only way.

If you don't, you will break and she will suffer.

You have to be cruel to be kind to mothers like yours.

Also, happy 25th anniversary! Sending uplifting thoughts your way.

I'm not sure what support is available in America, but in other countries you can sometimes get a social worker involved. They help with things like arranging respite (for carers) and home help.

It might also be worth looking into capacity assessment (i,e is your mother actually of sound enough mind to make an informed decision over her health?). She sounds a little bit unrealistic about her condition, so this might be worth looking into, for her sake as much as yours


Kind of agree with Pastafarian on this. Even if your mum is perfectly sound of mind (she may well be), that doesn't mean you have to go along with her plans. You have a family and other responsibilities. She may have to learn to accept that there are limitations to the help you can provide (& once she realises this, she may be more willing to look at rehab options)

She's acting very, very borderline tonight and wanted my daughter to stay with her. That's best tonight anyway because she pissed me off to no end. Long story and I'll go into it later on, maybe.

Sweet Pea hugs

You should tell her that she's going to rehab and that's all there is to it. Tell her that you don't have the patience to look after her 24/7 any more. Tell her that you have your own life. I hope it works out and Happy Anniversary!

This is essentially emotional blackmail.
Here's the brutal and horrible truth - if your mother is in the mindset, deliberate or otherwise, where she intends to cause herself serious harm, she will find a way. You'll be able to prevent it for only so long, and it will be killing you and wrecking your own family. If, as is very likely, the threat of harm is just to get her own way, she probably won't do it. Call her bluff, walk out, keep walking.

She won't change her mind unless she has reason to do so. You picking up after her is reason not to.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-old-sayin ... imes-b.s./

today's article. Might be helpful

I went and stayed last night and she seems to be doing ok for right now so I'm home tonight.

I truly do believe that she doesn't have much longer. That is the reason that I have been putting myself out for her even though she is how she is. I also know that if she does die soon, which I have every reason to believe she will, I will of course be very sad, and I will feel terrible for not helping her more than what I want to.

Of course you do what you have to do for family, especially when they are old and frail, and you do still do those things even if they have been horrible to you in your life, especially if it's near the end like we think it is. It's sort of selfish that I'm doing it to prevent myself from feeling worse later, and that's probably one reason that people end up bending over backwards for their family when they get like this.

She is 77, weighs 104 lbs if that much now, keeps gettling plurel effusion, has congestive heart failure, two inoperable aneyrusms in her brain, peripheral artery disease, perforated diverticulitis, constant bacterial infections, can't walk more than 20 feet on her own, has trouble breathing, and has borderline personality disorder and has caused me so much grief in my life and in fact, encouraged my son and his dopehead baby mama to cut me out of their lives, yet I know that if I don't help her now, I will hate myself later. So, it's worth it to me now to push myself further than I want to (I'm almost 50 myself you know) so that I don't end up feeling guilt for the rest of my life after she's gone.

So, I know that it's my own fault that I'm doing this, but it's also my own way to hopefully make her see that she was a s**t to me for all those years. And, we all end up doing things for our parents near the end that makes life hard on us, don't we?