I feel like giving up (long post).

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Ever since around August/September last year, I've been going downhill. I have ASD, bi polar, and BPD. One of my doctors even thinks I have C-PTSD due to my past. I'm told, even by both of my doctors, that I got a really crappy roll of the dice when I came into this world. Each of these things alone would be a hurdle for most people.

I deal with obsessive and disturbing fantasies/thoughts all the time. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to lose my independence. I'm afraid to drive because that's when I'm inside my head the most. I have this explosive anger that I can't control and it's almost gotten me in trouble more than a few times. For example, someone hit the side view mirror on my car one day and I started to follow them. I snapped out of it and headed home right away. I'm so afraid that, one day, I'm going to snap and do something stupid that will land me in prison, a mental hospital, or the morgue. The only things that keep my from being trapped in my thoughts are playing video games, watching foreign films/shows (having to read makes my mind wander less), or chatting with someone.

There's always been a lack of motivation in my life, but it's even worse than it's ever been. I'm depressed that I don't do anything productive during the day, but when I can force myself to attempt to, I get extremely bored and my mind wanders to something else. I'm able to do some work from home, though, and I feel pretty good when I get to do that. I have trouble focusing on things too, so studying for school is an extreme chore. I've actually had to take a break from it because of the driving thing and having way too much on my mind. I think my lack of motivation comes from the extreme boredom I feel with everything. Nothing interests or excites me any more.

I'm always getting bothered to meet new people and make friends, even when I don't want to. I've given up on that because there are things about my personality that make it hard for people to like me. I end up rubbing people the wrong way and they resent me. Someone has told me what I do that bother people, but I don't even realize that I'm doing it and it's not something I can just turn off. As much as I try to be conscious of it, it still comes out a lot. I really don't like people too much anyway. I've been hurt way too many times and, if I don't let people in, they can't hurt me. I don't take rejection well either, so it seems safer. Maybe if I met someone who made me comfortable enough, I could let them in. I've even tried planning my career around not having to interact with many people, or at least not having to work for or with anybody.

I've been put on and taken off of at least eight different medications in the past six months, ever since I was diagnosed. It's completely ruined my sleep schedule and I feel worse than when I first started seeing a psychiatrist. I also seem to build up a resistance to medication very quickly. When I was 12 I was put on antidepressants. A year later my medication was changed. For the next few years, my doctor increased the dosage to extremely high amounts. The psychiatrist I was seeing went to jail for tax evasion or something like that and I was left without a doctor. I spent the next several years on the same dose. Eventually I got tired of the side effects and withdrawal symptoms when I missed a dose and wanted to get off of it. I eventually found another doctor, but he kept pressuring me to stay on the meds, so I had to reduce to dosage myself. It took me two years to get off of those medications. I've been off of them for about eight months now. I'm 26 years old. Sometimes I wonder if being on those medications for such a long period and at such a high dose messed me up. Or maybe anti depressants were actually helping me more than I thought.

I could have gone into more detail about why I'm feeling so down, but this post is long enough as it is. It's been almost seven months since I've been diagnosed and nothing has helped more than temporarily. Things are getting worse and worse and I don't know what to do any more. I keep getting told that things will get better, to work hard and I can do it, and to not worry about it, but it's not that simple. I've also had people who tell me that things could be worse, that I should be grateful that I'm not living in a third world country, etc. which doesn't help in the least. I'm too curious about what comes next to commit suicide, but I don't want this life any more. Every step to change myself seems to set me back. I don't know what to do any more.

i was kinda where you are at now, when i was your age. i found the only thing to get me out of that place was a total and abrupt change of scenery, courtesy of uncle sam's army. that made me forget about my old problems pronto, because it presented me with a set of new external problems which eclipsed the internal ones in my head as well as the external ones in my pre-army existence [homelessness, no useful skillset, confusion, anomie, et al]. i was the last one anybody would've thought could be assimilated by the army, and in truth i was never really assimilated, but i stuck around long enough to get a skillset and to purge a lot of my neuroses out of my system via profuse sweating and vigorous exercise that was imposed on me by mr. army. i'm not saying the military is a panacea to what ails you, but a change in scenery might be what dr. feelgood would order. just a thought.

I wouldn't join the military ever. Not only would I not make it, but they don't accept people with psychological/mood disorders or people who have been seeing a doctor about it for more than 6 months. If I were to join the military, I feel that it would push me over the edge.

lemme tell ya, it nearly pushed ME over the edge.
back when i was in, they'd let people in who had issues, by doing something called medical waivers. i had a hatful of 'em to get in [scoliosis, brittle blood sugar, astigmatism, autism, schizoatypal disorder et al]. but when i got in, i noticed i wasn't the only one with various mental issues.