Not "Cured" After All

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I self-diagnosed as AS. I grieved, I hid from the world, I was angry, I confessed, I denied and then I went public with it. I drastically changed my work situation, I reduced my stress level. I thought I was "better." I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.

Then today happened. I helped my roommates clean to prepare for guests of theirs. I got up this morning, showered and dressed nicely. I was steeled to make it through this long day of social nicety. But I couldn't do it.

I've been in my room with the door locked and curtains drawn, with headphones on. I can't stand the noise. I can't stand that there are people out there who expect me to come out and chit chat. The idea of making an appropriate response to these people is overwhelming.

I'm defeated because today just the thought of having to sit and answer questions about myself, remember to ask appropriate questions about our guests and make nice comments on their children makes me nauseous.

I wrapped myself in heavy blankets to calm down and silently flapped my hands, rubbed my fingers together and just prayed they'd go away.

So first thing Monday I'm going to have to make an appointment for an evaluation. I don't have insurance. This is going to both be a stressful experience and very expensive. But if it can help me not have days like today, it's worth it.

I feel like there is just no way to win with this. Either I'm constantly faking my way through life making myself acceptable to others by making myself supremely uncomfortable, or I'm dropping everything to take care of myself and everyone thinks I'm being a selfish b***h because they don't realize how much I bend to please them every single day.

I'm just in dire need of a couple of days where I can relax and completely be me. But I guess the money I was saving to put toward that will go towards getting evaluated. I just can't win.

Will your evaluation make you feel better?

I don't know. It might help with people telling me I'm not AS because I'm female, or because I can carry on a short conversation with them. It might give me some insight on how to cope better, assuming I could get a decent doc. Or it might just cost me a lot of money and leave me with nothing but a name for what makes me different.

I waited until last year to seek a diagnosis (I'm 43). Having it confirmed was a bit of a relief for me. I suddenly no longer felt so alone (this board and a few other places helped too).
I also found out I have ADHD also during the diagnosis. I don't regret seeking a diagnosis and I'm glad that I'm perfectly normal within our type of people.

I sought my diagnosis to force management at work to put things in writing that they should have put in writing anyway. Instead they forced me to go to meetings with people that had no idea what they wanted (I work in IT). It didn't work well.

My wife drags me to social gatherings with friends fairly regularly.. I always bring my own distractions/etc and fortunately they aren't offended that I'm reading a book or listening to something on ear phones (they used to be before the official diagnosis though). So I chit chat while reading a book on my phone... not as bad as just chit chatting.

Im with you.. forced chit chat is annoying. Try not to let it overwhelm you.

If you need specific services or accommodations-- then you will need a diagnosis. To that end you'll need to demand a referral to a specialist because you're GP is almost certain to be one of those people who don't believe you have AS.

However, It sound's like your current issue is that you are really stressed out and overwhelmed!! I think a couple days of relaxing and being yourself be a good idea.

It also sounds like you've spent some time thinking about your challenges and tried to come up with some coping strategies that have worked to some extent but when you are under stress or encounter a new/particularly challenging situation everything falls apart-- I don't think being diagnosed is likely to change that for you. We all have this problem. It's often one step forward two steps back, or at least if feels that way. Meeting with a counselor/therapist to help refine strategies-- deal with anxiety etc. will be a lot cheaper in the short term than getting a full on diagnostic assessment. It could also make it easier to get a good referral if you decide that an assessment is what you need.

I don't have insurance, so I shouldn't need a referral from a GP.

I thought about going the therapist route. I live in a conservative area, and I'm quirky in areas other then neurological makeup (I'm a polytheist and my roommates are a married gay couple). If I'm going to have a bad experience, I'd rather waste my money on a diagnostic evaluation with the hope of finding a therapist who's familiar with AS, than on a local psychologist I'm likely to run into at the grocery store.

There is an autism center at the university hospital in Atlanta. I'm going to call them about scheduling an evaluation.

You're a polytheist?

I AM, TOO! I LOVE YOU! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

That being said, I think you should definitely get a diagnosis...

Note: I don't normally use this many emoticons--I'm just really excited to meet another polytheist who lives so close to me!

Yeah, I am. A bit of a surly one.