Regretting entire life

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I'm pretty calm tonite cause meds etc but
Reflecting lately I just see my life as a complete mental trainwreck..

Severe depression since teens.. And now issues with some kind of psychosis/delusions/hallucinations that became a daily thing

The worst part is the social isolation.. I have friends and proper meds (klonopins) now so im a lot more mentally stable..

But my friend who has had many bf's and a current bf... tells me a fellow student has a crush on her...
All the men i click with my age end up leaving somewhere..
s**t makes me really sad
I think she was mocking me too last night I even gave her baby a book and she was mocking me
but i was stoned i admit but the voice tone was just too obvious..
s**t is making me depressed.. i need so much to be loved i feel rejected by all
and cant face my fear of socializing

the only men that want me are daddys cause im brain damaged and learned helpless and im aware of tha and it makes me f*****g sad. lol

Can't get a job either... Applying for SSI to be even more of a parasite...
Will probably end up being screened up as psychotic or something... Can't shake this constant hallucination... klonopins are saving me...
Losing faith in my BFA career i am still lost
i guess my "poor" friends are jealous but if i was poor too id just be a SSI or min wage alcoholic druggie or something and not being able to afford school cause i got a 1 track autistic mind that becomes insane/psychotic with too much stress..
sigh.....

end

What i wish for most is to feel loved and it's just kind if dumps lately.
I hope i die in someones arms

Wow. They really need to rename WrongPlanet and call it DepressionCenter! There are so many notes by people about being depressed & suicidal that they should probably have a 24hr counselor on tap. I wish you luck with your stormy feelings, Arch Raphael, and hope they don't drag you down too far.

I'm going through the whole 'did I make a wise career decision?' myself, I was able to turn one of my quirky obsessions into something lucrative, or so I thought. I'm being undercut and overbid by johnny-come-lately hacks, and my phone's been bricked for 2 days so I can't even take any calls from tire kickers and brain pickers. At a time I thought a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills held the secret to the universe, I won't go back to those days. I feel like I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Hard for me to accept the age I am, now 40 but feel like 20 most days. I know for me I need to stay away from those thoughts that my parents had already married and divorced, and had 2 careers by the same age

I know from experience benzos seem like a good fix at the time but your body and brain will find all kinds of ways to get you to keep taking them, this is where rejection and isolation can actually be of benefit during withdrawals, spending some time just you and your higher power. If you happen to have a bible nearby, or read online, check out Jeremiah 29:11. I'm hoping that 1 line will give you a little piece of the clarity you're looking for. Not pushing, but it's something that's helped me in the past and this felt like a good time to pass it on

BTW if there's ANY way to avoid SSI, DO it. Once on, you'll have a whole new can of worms obsession fighting to keep whatever crumbs they throw your way, and they can arbitrarily decide at any time to bounce you anyway and jump through all the redetermination hoops. I am only fortunate that I started on SSI and morped into SSDI, when that happened they took 7 years to make me come in and see their doctors and didn't automatically kick me off, like SSI did after every 3 years and once i got THAT letter to come on in, I knew it was going to be another headache. I'm on the books as ADD with depression but I think I need to get my official Aspie Dx in before DSM-V boots it, or I'll be more screwed

Anyway, I don't know much about being 'Daddy', I've been hoping 'Mommy' would discover me since my earliest self-awareness!

Thank you for the kind advice.. This emotional situations getting worse as well as the psychosis. I am trying hard to escape the nagging f*****g voices and tactile hallucinations.. It's like my dream world is crushing down but im not choosing to have the devils, the angels, and the sexual fantasies..

Am extremely angst/emo right now over my entire life. All I wanna do now is go rollerblading and forget about my uni track, the fact that im forever alone, the fact i cant get employed, for this week.

Yes the bible is really calming in some passages.. I have tried buddhist mantras as well.. and mandalas..
I have found reading books is helping lately as well with my concentration ability.

Yes how do us late bloomers accept wasted life years... How do we just accept being so stagnant compared to our peers when this is one big chessboard and we are the pawns but small in numbers...

If Rollerblading has the potential to cut the noise for you, I'd say: DO it. If you won't be working what's to be gained from lying fallow? Not like it's going to cost you anything, unless you don't already own a pair of skates. I've been hanging in the breeze myself so I've been continuing to pour my time into getting my bikes into shape; not always easy when there are too many parts left over for the money, but one of them has been preventing me from accessing my beat laboratory, having been unable to play has factored in the increased stress and it bit me on the tail to let a newer interest override a more established one

That being said I haven't been able to read more than a magazine in 2 years, my authors became redundant and there was a lot of demands on my time

But again, not like you can't afford to go out skating, what could it hurt? HTH