I MUST be crazy!

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Hey folks...

Damn....what a fool I was...I had 849 posts and 4 years to my name and I threw it all away.

Allow me to explain: for 4 years, I used to go by the handle "Usagi1992". In those 4 years, I'd gathered quite the reputation from some of the folks here, most of it not good because almost every other thread I started was an attack on my father. But even though there were rough spots, I did manage to make a few friends and make some very insightful posts...

But then, a few days after my 4th anniversary as a member, I was reading some of my old post backlogs, and I saw a response from a member that rubbed me the wrong way, so I made a childish "No U"-like remark back, even though the thread was over 2 years old. Well, one of the mods by the name of Moog edited out most of my response and curtly told me that we don't do that on WP.net. And that's....when everything went spiraling out of control for me!

I felt as though I'd been scolded for committing a major crime like rape or assault, which is totally against my gentle shy intellectual nature. So how did I respond to the gentle scolding? I requested that he BAN my account on the spot! He told me at first that what I did shouldn't warrant something that extreme, but I kept persisting; I finally had to resort to implying that I was gonna go and do something really against the rules to get me banned. He said that he wouldn't put up with implied threats (which I fully agree with, he shouldn't have to) and banned me like I wanted.

I guess that goes to show you just how freaking FRAGILE-minded I am. All he did was just lightly scold me for a very MINOR rule infraction and I went FLYING off the deep end! I HAVE to be crazy!!

Alright so I *am* crazy! What else can I do? It's going to take FOREVER for Fluttershy11 to come CLOSE to Usagi1992's post count, because I still hold on to that outdated archaic belief that post count dictates your status as a member on a forum board...hell, validates your existence as a damn human being!

Sorry for being so negative...the pressures with living with myself after paying restitution in court are still weighing on me...this was just something I had to get off my chest.

Fluttershy11

Hey FlutterShy, once you learn and understand (and hopefully accept) that aspies are known for their unpredictability in regards to change, the better you'll feel. About 3 months ago, out of the blue at my job, they put up a notice that shifts will now last for 12 hours, not 8 as before. When I read the notice I flipped out. My co-workers tried their level best to console me, but I wasn't having any of that. I walked around in circles, rubbed my hands a few times, calmly took out a piece of paper, wrote down my resignation, and slid it under the director's door. (It was nighttime. She wasn't at work yet). I don't think I'm crazy. They call it Asperger's. I don't think you're crazy, either. That's just how we are. (Yeah, I'm still jobless, but that's besides the point!)

Yeah that's some crazy stuff, holding yourself to your own principles and trying to be accountable. Craaaaaazy. I think this demands heavy medication.

Now, hold your horses a minute. Stop and really look at what you are doing. Black and white thinking again. Remember, shades of grey. Degrees of things. You flew off the handle about an old post and said something which caused a mod to say something to you about it and then you flew off the handle about that and got banned and now you are flying off the handle at yourself for doing that.

Self sabatoge is what this looks like to me. I'm no professional but I don't think you are crazy, I just think you have no impulse control at all. I don't know how to tell you to fix that, but I used to be that way an awful lot of the time, and I learned to control myself a good bit more. I can't tell you how I did it because I don't know, except I recognized the problem for what it was, sensitivity, a bad temper and poor impulse control, and I was determined to change it if I could. I tried to remember to remind myself before any situation where I might possibly go off on somebody or lose it, that I need to at least look and sound calm even if I don't feel calm. I would just tell myself "control, control, control" and eventually it worked. I also started pausing before I spoke anytime that I was at all upset and during that pause I considered how my reaction might look to others. I considered if my reaction was reasonable or not, and most of the time it wasn't so I made myself not respond that way.

Remember, you have all the time in the world to get back at somebody or have your say so about something, and that gives you time to decide if it's reasonable to do so and if it is, then how to go about it. If you just fly off and lose it then you not only feel bad later but you lose credibility.

It's not crazy to do that at all. This is the kind of harsh judging that I was talking about in the other thread. Is a post count or a name on a forum important enough to beat yourself up over? Is it a deciding factor in an insanity diagnoses? No, it's not. It can be frustrating, but it's nothing to beat yourself up over. You seem to be your own worst enemy.

I'm not telling you to not be so sensitive. That can't be changed by just deciding to stop. I'm telling you to try to not fly off the handle, at yourself or anyone else. Make yourself pause for a few seconds in conversation with someone when you feel that you are about to go off. Online, make yourself walk away from the computer for a few minutes and not think about it and then reconsider it. Remember too that when you are angry, an irrational reaction always looks reasonable and right to you. When people get upset their perspective changes.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but most of what I've seen from you has been about how horrible you are in some way or other. What exactly do you think is so bad about you? The things you do when you fly off the handle or the fact that you do, or what?

Shades of grey Flutter, shades of grey. It's all about finding the taupe.

I'm surprised that you think post count really matters or has any significance in your status here in WP.

There are members who contribute regularly to threads, especially in the Random Discussion forum and the Games etc forum - their post counts soon increase and race ahead of others.

There are also members who lurk a lot and post occasionally - they may not have a high post count but the posts they do make are often well-thought out and make good reading.

You get the general idea. It's not a competition, and I very much doubt that many members actually notice how many posts another member has made.

You are back on WP, and this can be a fresh start for you. What's happened in the past is done and dusted, there's nothing to be gained from beating yourself up about it. The best thing is to learn from your mistakes and move on - not always as easy as it sounds, but worth trying

Heh, that's rich you know, coming from a lady who has as many posts to her name in a month and a half, that took me THREE YEARS to accumulate as Usagi1992.

But all jokes aside, you do make a very good point about the 'quiet ones' having more meaningful things to say. I AM very aware that most members' post counts in the thousands have been, as I like to call it, 'artificially inflated' on boards like Random Discussion and the Games board, because a majority of those posts consists of only a few words, or in some cases, a single word or a number.

I could never bring myself to do that...when I post, I want to really express myself, like when I have a problem in my real life or when I just simply feel like starting a thread to ask a question. Quality over quantity, that's what I say.

I never said that I see it as a competition...what I do believe though is that post count dictates hierarchy in the community...that people with over ten thousand posts to their name should be likened to that of demigods and be treated with the utmost respect, and those with less then 100 should be likened to common serfs and should be treated as if their opinions don't matter. But sometimes we common serfs DO have something valuable to say...

I guess in short...all I want is for people to like me, but I find it impossible to accept because I feel that I myself am so fundamentally unlikeable, no matter what I do.

Thoughts please.

Fluttershy11

I only give respect for post quality, not post count.

All post count requires is an ability to press 'submit' a lot. Quality posts take thought, or insight, or kindness.

You're right, Frances...I am my own worst enemy.

I am very sorry if the impression I've left on you as Fluttershy11 is that I'm a self-loathing, unlovable person. Well, you can partially blame my old childhood schoolyard bullies for that. Can you imagine what's that like, being labeled by other mean kids as 'stupid' and 'ret*d' simply because you were born different?

Well, yeah, I guess most of you people can. But my point is, because of being exposed to this day after day, for 5 days a week until my high school years, it's left a lifelong mental scar on my psyche. I truly believe that I AM stupid and useless and a 'waste of space'. I've said many times as Usagi1992 that 'other people just complicate my life; I don't like to get involved', because I've been a lifelong introvert from being picked on for a 1/4th of my life. I'm afraid if I do try to be social with people they'll just label me as a 'freak' all over again.

I don't even believe that my FAMILY love me anymore, in spite of what they say. But I wouldn't blame them in the slightest, because it IS tough on them, knowing that their oldest son/brother/uncle is such a psychological frak-up.

I don't want your pity Frances, I just want your understanding.

Heh, just call me 'Eeyore'.

Fluttershy11

Yes, I admit it, I am one of the regular contributors to the Random discussion forum! In my case, I pop in there regularly as I don't get to go out much and it's the closest I get to socialising and interacting with other people. I also try to welcome new members and to reply to threads in the Haven.

I almost used the phrase 'quality not quantity' myself. I think it varies depending on the forum(s). For example, in Random it's fine to keep posting, whereas in GAD it's more appropriate to make one or two quality posts in a thread.

Sorry if I said the wrong thing by suggesting it's not a competition. That's just my opinion

I am not aware of a hierarchy in WP, but then I've not been here long myself. What I will say - and I know it's been said before in this thread - is that I think you need to change how you think about yourself. You don't seem to have a very positive self-image, and you seem to be harsh on yourself. I very much doubt that you are unlikeable - please give yourself a break and try to shift your focus from seeing negatives to looking for positives.

Well, I never said there was a hierarchy set in stone...I just like to think that there is, because of that outmoded idea that post count dictates the amount of respect one should get.

Another thing I failed to mention so far is that I believe that people with post counts within the high thousands should even give those with 2-digit post counts the time of day! God forbid, it would be like a king coming down from on high to mingle with the commoners.

Just my thoughts.