Parents lying and manipulating me

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My parents are threatening to stop acting as my caregivers. I have OCD and it is too severe for me to do most daily living tasks such as making meals and stuff. They claim they’re stopping because they “believe in me,” but I know it’s really because their goal is to abandon me. They don’t believe in me. They had children because they wanted someone they could control and have the whole world take their side and let them control me because it’s acceptable to control children. And then when they realized that they had to care for me, not just control me, now they hate me. They’ll never admit this, but their attitude is, “here’s the deal. We’ll control you and make all the big life decisions about what you think and believe, and you do all the ‘undesirable’ stuff in life like daily living tasks.” I need help staying in touch with this. They’re pretty convincing. There’s much more to the story but this is what’s on my mind right now…

Hmm that sounds pretty messed up....do you go to a therapist or anything? if so maybe you could tell them what is going on and they could help, but yeah according to your profile you're born the same year I was so I imagine you're 21 or older which means you have more rights than if you where under-age. But yeah I am not quite sure what to do.....as I would need more specific information to know what to suggest.

Actually I think it is the opposite. Usually ''controlling'' and ''taking care'' comes as part of a package of ''viewing you as a child''. When they stop taking care of you it is a sign that they view you as an adult which ultimately implies they no longer control you.

It actually amaizes me as i read through teh board how many people are upset that their parents are not helping them enough. I wish I could trade places with these ppl. My parents worry about me too much and I hate it. I wish they could just learn I am an adult and can take care of myself.

Well not to mislead you guys I am far away from home because of school. But my parents by all my plane tickets, expect me to call them regularly, and try to push their advice onto me. I wish they could just learn I am adult and let me make my own decisions.

I talk with a wonderful phone counselor weekly, but one person can only do so much. My parents see an alleged family therapist and he's supposed to be jolting them into reality, but instead he, too is taking their side and encouraging my parents behavior. It's like he's not treating them; he's "treating" me via them (i,e. "For heaven's sake stop 'enabling' her!"). But enabling isn't the problem here. The problem is 22 years and counting of opressing me, supressing all my emotions and thoughts, and at the same time abandoning me emotionally. It's like each one of them--my mom, my dad, and the therapist--is bigger than God all by themselves. So you can imagine what the three of them working together to opress and abandon me would look like.

Some of the specific things they do are calling me "irrational" all the time, and always minimizing me and telling me how foolish my behaviors are. Every time I express an idea (about anything), they tell me all about how wrong it is or why it won't work or why I shouldn't pursue it. They never empathize with me or share my feelings. When I talk to them they're never "there," they're always on the computor, working, or reading the newspaper. They talk in a really flat and neutral voice unless it's something that they're personally interested in.

One of the reasons I have OCD is because it's like a "holding tank" for all my energies and creative thoughts that they've supressed. Someday I want to overcome them and open the holding tank, and when I do I'm gonna move mountains (figuratively). I don't know what this would look like because of my parents constantly forming and quashing me.

Hmm well are there any mental health services in your area, maybe you could try and get a different therapist without confirming it with your parents or anything. Do you ever leave the house alone or anything like that? because there is probably help you just have to try and assert yourself a little more.....I know that's easier said than done, but they'll just keep it up as long as they think you're just going to roll with it.

I have talked to the counselor about this. I explained it in crystal clear terms, yet he won't listen because the parents are always supposed to get their way and who cares about the kids. My parents want me to move out so that they don't have to take care of me and because they trust that their control will still live in my head. (I will still do what they want me to do and be what they want me to be.) But the OCD is far too severe for me to move, and it may even hurt me to move because their control will be less obvious and harder for me to see and stay in touch with. One of the ways they control me is by telling me to "let go" all the time and moving out would probably be doing just that. Kind of hard to comprehend, I know.

When people live with relatives they have to abide by the rules of the house. Those rules are set by whoever owns, or is the primary renter of the home. If you don't like the rules of the house, then you can leave. If you have a disabling disorder, get help from the government in finding another living arrangement that can be paid for out of your government benefits. You can also have someone come in and do your cleaning once or twice a week, the laundry, and they can make up some meals that will have left overs that you can eat when they are not there. If you don't have benefits, you will either have to stay where you are, or get a job, or get benefits. However, complaining without doing anything to fix the situation won't help you at all, and will just get your folks annoyed. A lot of NTs don't see Autism/Asperger's as disorders. They see us as lazy, or stupid, or behaving badly, or just a bit of a screw ball, and they believe we can stop being these undesirable things, because they think we are being the way we are by choice. Your parents sound like they fall into this category. You need to get out, or accept your situation. It's your choice.

Hi Ashley,
I'm sorry you and your parents don't see eye to eye on things though from what I read I think they really care about you. I think they might actually have your best interests at heart and even if they don't it is still in your best interest to transition into finding a way to live in the world without their support because eventually you'll have to. I see from your age below your handle that you're 22; if you were under 21 I'd have the opposite opinion. Obviously you can't do that all at once but it sounds like they're negotiable about working with you.
They may not be able to speak your language but it sounds like they really care about you.

I didn't have the luxury of having parents that could support me so I was forced to fend for myself.. and I'm grateful for that.. it took 3 tries before everything worked for me. I can't say everything is rosy.. every day has it's struggles.. but by pretty much any measure I'm living in the world as a productive citizen and my parents have nothing to worry about.

Good luck to you Ashley!

There's two counselors. My individual phone counselor is great, but then there's also a family therapist. The family therapist is the one who ignores me. I attended the family therapy for a few months and then put my foot down when I realized he was in fact using everything I said to my parents' advantage and not interested in advocating for me. Sorry for the confusion.

I stopped trying to please everyone.. it is a game you can't win.
Instead I worked hard to 'find myself', be self sufficient, and have a growth mindset about life.

I can't really feel responsible for other people's feelings especially when I did nothing directly to cause them (for example throwing a tantrum, hitting, screaming, or DOING anything against them) instead I'm usually 'guilty' of reacting 'wrong' to which I have to think about logically and evaluate each one on a case by case basis
All of that kind of goes out the window at times when you're in a serious relationship...
I'm not as good about things as I could be but nobody is perfect.

The family counselor probably knows ZERO about Aspergers or being on the Autism spectrum. Some of the BS people ask us to do to be normal is akin to asking a gay guy to just date girls because they don't get it. Remember that they're human and their opinion isn't THAT much more valuable than yours.