Clinically Depressed

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At least, I speculate that I am. I honestly think that I've been on-and-off depressed since my childhood, and I think it goes something like this:

I can't turn my thoughts "off". Relaxing the mind just isn't easy, and my heart always feels like a stone. (I also seem to be having a hard time conforming to making sense in my ranting, heh) My girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago and to be honest, I'm still bitter, heartbroken, and distraught at the whole ordeal.

I guess the short summary I could give at the moment is that I don't seem to have much of an "off" valve, even in my special interests. I don't want to live a life of misery and abject depression interspersed by the odd explosion, outburst, or meltdown when I can't take it anymore, but I don't like the odds. My special interests don't seem to "remove" the stress... They instead only seem to hide or mask it.

I don't know what to do.

That is quite similar to how I feel...and certainly sounds like depression.

Do you always feel like this or is it just right now you feel very bad? I could say a similar thing about myself over my life too but I have had very stimulated periods too. In March I always feel very anxious and get depressed.

That's interesting because March is always a tumultous month for me, too. I am dx'd with Major Depressive Disorder (and ADHD).

It's usually pretty much on-and-off. I can "hide" it pretty well, but I'm generally a bit of a pessimist by nature. I guess I'm just ~usually anxious and depressive.

How I know if I am depressed- suicidal thoughts? if yes then I am. And no I am not making fun, am being serious. Best way for me to figure it out.

Honestly, I think that is a great question. The docs always ask if I feel low, or depressed. But I have no idea what that means, really. I do know that I struggle alot with suicidal thoughts (which have previously been written off as stress reactions) and that recently these have taken a much more serious turn. I don't know if I am depressed. I do know that I feel like ending my life because I can't cope with feeling how I feel any more - and I have great difficulty explaining what that actually is - and nothing I try seems to make things more bearable. I have a psych appt on Thurs but I fully expect to be told once again there is nothing seriously wrong with my mental health and I don't need help because i am unable to describe how I feel. That could be the final straw for me. So yeah, that's a good question and I don't think you're making fun.

I mean I am not saying I would ever do it (it is not a possible option), it is just a way for me to think of that I can't handle the situation. So I think it is frustrating that, especially if you are under 18, people will freak out if you tell them that.

I've contemplated suicide a few times through my life, but now I know that I'm not going to consider it. I'm the type of individual who has decided that I don't see a great deal of evidence for "another life" after this one. Ergo, I'd like to make the most of this one.

...Not looking so great so far. I want to be "successful", but what are the qualifications of that? I've been working my rear off at School like a try-hard, despite the difficulties caused by attempting to adapt my Asperger's Syndrome to my little backwater village. I've been accepted to some fairly prestigious state colleges, but me being an Introvert, I keep thinking extremely far ahead to after college. Jobs, life, etc.

Sorry for the disjointed, rambling structure of this. I'm just writing things that come to mind.

You are still young and can make something of yourself. Don't think too far ahead, try to focus on the immediate future and get into college.

Won't matter what you do then, since once your brain stops working memories, achievements etc. won't matter any more.

Correct, they won't matter to me. But there might be friends, a spouse, assorted people assuming how "well known" I become, and most importantly, History. Those things all make it matter.

I believe in infinity so I reckon we don't die and end up living the same life over and over.

I may as well just post here again and not make another thread.
There is no freaking way that I'm not depressed, I've decided. I've tried talking to my Mom about how I felt, but she yelled at me and told me that I "don't know how good I have it".

Obviously not. I feel guilty because I can't be more optimistic and happy and be like everyone else who doesn't seem to have problems just socializing, or recharging. I have the misfortune of one of my all-consuming Special Interests being Politics and Political Science. I feel as is it's slowly tearing me apart, to be honest. I'm stuck in a paradox where I don't want to be an ignorant sheep, but it's too difficult to try to keep my mind running at top speed 100% to ponder every possible quandary about the conflict between Liberalism, Conservatism, Authoritarianism, Libertarianism, and to question things about Religions constantly until my mind can't take it anymore.

I feel as if I try to "escape" from the world by going into thinks like Fictional Politics, Role-Playing Servers, and writing the odd bit of poetry, but it's honestly only masking all the pain.

My School's Musical is in three days, and my Senior Project is tomorrow; I haven't even finished it yet. For the next two days as well as yesterday, I've had excellent 14-hour School days. That's from 8 AM-10 PM without going home in between. I have no opportunities to really "rest", have any kind of privacy when I'm about to have a meltdown, and definitely don't have time to do homework, study, or work on projects, scholarships, and essays.

I've started feeling numb, afraid, alone. I can't do this anymore.

Today is the 16th anniversary of the day I tried to commit suicide. I think I had to try it and almost succeed to figure out how much I did not want to be dead. I wouldn't recommend this method. If your parents are not supportive of you getting your depression evaluated, is there anyone who can speak to them on your behalf, such as another relative or someone at your school, like a counselor? Even if you don't want to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist, you may be able to get some help medication wise from your family doctor if they think it is warranted. I won't say medication is the only answer, but in my case and many others, it certainly helps, and might get you into a headspace where talking things out might be more of an option. Or you might be able to see ways to help yourself, through different ways of thinking, exercise, meditation, or some other method. Lots of things have been found to help. Just don't let it go until you get to a point where you only see one option--an ending.

I'm going to try to get through the next few days if I can. Just need to get through my Senior Project presentation (today) and my Musical Performances (Friday-Sunday), and then I hope that I'll feel better by then.

If not, then I think that logically speaking, I have no reason to be upset. The standard response to getting through so much work should be relief, no?