No one would ever accuse me of being the best social butterfly, but I've definitely had friends and stuff. Then I lost it, a couple of really terrible things happened. 1: I was diagnosed with incurable seizures. I was put on all this crazy medication that didn't make things better, they made things worse, they made me tired all of the time and didn't help the seizures. It's horrible and lonely and I can't drive a car. I'm afraid that I'll have seizures and 1 seizure is a catastrophe, but I was having them every month or even every week, they've settled down a little now. 2: My older brother died soon after the seizures started, and I loved him more than anyone else in the world, or at least that's definitely the story now that he is dead. I miss him so much. He was so amazing. He was so smart. He was so sweet. He was only 20. 3: Obviously everyone else is also going crazy at this point.
Socially I feel like now I've dug myself a hole of loneliness now. I think because I sort of withdrew into myself, where I feel most comfortable, to deal with all of this, and I am also an artist so it's real easy for me to just draw pictures or write stories to escape, I'm more comfortable doing that than talking to people. When I feel lonely sometimes I think I must be autistic or something, but looking back at what I've written most people haven't had such a horrible life and I probably need to try harder or something. I don't know. I try to be friendly but sometimes I'm irritable and I say that it's all of the keppra (for the seizures). I feel like I've been tackled by life, and picking myself up is really hard.
05 Apr 2012, 10:14 pm
