I really don't know what to do.

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Hi there,

First of all, I would just like to say that this is a very long post, so sorry if it bores you. I really don't know where to turn, and so I thought I would just explain everything from the beginning from the start, right up to where I am now. This isn’t an attempt at getting sympathy; I just really don’t know what to do with my life. I know I should forget my past, but it keeps coming back. I am trying to get that looked into though.

Before I start, I do believe that I may have Asperger’s, and I am currently seeing a psychologist as well as the regional Asperger’s assessment team to clarify what I may or may not have. Maybe some of the traits may be clear in what I’ve written, but I really don’t know.

It started when I was born, back in May 1894. I really had no idea as to what was planned – I guess it just… happened. As it was quite some time ago I really can’t recall much back then. My mother was recently divorced from my father, and was living in separate houses. I do remember the odd snippet here and there, for example being in the living room and having a nappy put on, but that is about it, nothing really significant.

When I was three, I was living with my brother, Ian. By this time, my father was seeing a lady down the road from where I was living with my mother and Ian, by the name of Margaret. It was three doors down the road. Margaret was living with her son and daughter, as well as her other son. Her other son would come around occasionally, and spend time with my mother and brother.

He used to always bring a dog round when he visited. It was an Alsatian-Collie cross by the name of Duke. When I was three, my brother was 13. Both my father and mother were not at home, and I was left with my brother and the dog. There is something I distinctly remember at this time. I was in the kitchen playing (I was standing at the sink playing with the washing-up rack and trickling water from the tap) and my brother was also in there. I heard a loud barking.

My brother then ran to the kitchen door, and tried to close it in time, but it was too late. The dog managed to make his way into the kitchen, and was extremely violent. At this point I don’t really remember what happened in order, other than the dog grabbing my right leg. I remember for some periods being dragged through the hallway by the dog, and through the doorway of the living room. My brother was screaming; the dog was growling and I was crying out.

At this point I don’t remember much afterwards. I was in the living room with my brother and there was blood pouring from my leg.

All I remember after this is being at hospital. I heard that the dog was put down by the RSPCA.

When I was at the hospital, my brother used to visit regularly. My mother used to do what she could to visit, and I do believe this was at the Easter weekend back in 1988. One thing I do remember being told was that my father – after being notified of my situation – was walking down Southsea Beach front with Margaret. He just simply didn’t want to know.

Given my situation I had a visit in hospital by someone dressed up as a big Easter bunny. I remember being told my mother that I punched and kicked him before he left, because he scared me that much.

There was another incident at the hospital, too. This was involving Margaret. My father decided to visit the hospital, and at the time my mother was on the way. My father visited with Margaret, who identified themselves as “Mr and Mrs Murphy”, when in fact Margaret was just the woman that he was seeing who split my mother and father’s marriage up. When my mother tried to see me, she was told that she couldn’t see me, because my “real mother” had already visited, and visiting time was over. The question is: Why would my dad and Margaret identify themselves as a married couple, and pose as my mother?

I did guess I was a “mummy’s boy” and always had been the same.

A little way on from this time and I was at nursery. I don’t remember making friends at nursery; I always seemed to be the one being left out by the other kids. All throughout the period, right from the beginning, we seemed to suffer from poverty, but at this time it wasn’t as bad as it would be later on.

A few years passed and I was starting at my first school, which was St. Alban’s C of E school. My mother had recently got a job there as a caretaker/cleaner, and things were starting to look up for us financially. While I had no interest in religion, I believe my mother did, and was an advantage for her to get me into the school which she worked at.

When I was at this school, I remember only making two friends. These were people who I was close to – and they were both called Oliver. Other than this, I never made any other friends, and throughout the schooling I used to suffer from bullying quite a lot. The two Oliver friends I had were in a different year, so I wasn’t in their class.

Each class represented one year, so it was a reasonably small school.

I usually used to receive name calling, being pushed and general isolation. Whenever I used to walk into the class, there never used to be a seat left for me, and no one would ever want to sit next to me, saying “David has fleas, eurrrgh”.

There were things I used to always do in the playground at that school. I always used to have a strange attraction to numbers. I would always be interested – looking at the numbers on the dinner tables, collecting the little plastic cartons (in shape of numbers) which used to be filled with sherbet candy. I also used to take things apart a lot, for example, there was an old tape cassette player at home which I took apart, and I took out the number counter and played with it, as well as took it to school.

Other than this, I used to collect other things. For example, Felix branded cat food wrappers. When I used to bring them in, one of my two friends used to bring more in and collect them too.

I also used to spin around a lot in the playground, arms out, humming and counting with my fingers at the same time. Damn, I was such a strange kid. I guess it was no wonder the other kids picked on me, I certainly wasn’t like them.

When I was at primary school there were other things which I used to suffer from, and that was bullying from local kids. I also remember being beaten up by members of my year, but outside of school. I remember the names of these people so vividly. I never seem to forget these things.

At this time, my brother was going through a nervous breakdown, and his head was all over the place too. He was seeing the daughter of the woman my dad was seeing. However he also seemed to be “seeing” me, too.

What I mean by this is there is something which I have had to live with all my life for what my brother used to do to me. At this time no one really knew about my abuse, and what was going on, and I had no one to turn to. There were times when my mother used to tell my brother to come upstairs and make sure I got off to sleep okay. He always used to use this to his advantage, and used to get into bed himself. This is so difficult to write. Basically, he used to do things to me that I didn’t want, and he used to make me do things I didn’t want to do either. He used to call it deep-sea diving, getting into the bed head first… and well… you probably can imagine the rest.

I just thought that this was a normal thing to do, and kind of accepted it. Thinking about it now, it makes me sick to my stomach. I was around 6 years old at the time.

When I was 7, I started smoking. No one knew, not even my parents.

Shortly before leaving the school to progress to secondary school, my mother was fired from the school as caretaker. (At this point a new head master was appointed – and it was this which brought the change). There were a few things going on at this time. My obsession with numbers seemed to turn into car number plates, as a kid I would be outside writing them down as the cars drove past. I also had a strange attraction to squared/graph paper which was my writing material of choice. I also started writing down all the words from the dictionary, which didn’t obviously last for that long.

When my mother was sacked, we started to get into serious financial hardship. My mother never really had friends either and it was only I and my brother living there. My mother was a manic depressive at this point, and I was living in fear being with her. My mother started to obsess over someone, a bin man by the name of “Doug”. I knew she fancied him, but she would go to lengths to try and see him. My father said something to my mother that I will never forget: “I will never look after another man’s bastard”.

Everyone knew that my real father was not Doug, and that he was just using that as an excuse. There was one time that my mother got into a taxi with me and travelled to Hayling Island – around 20 miles – from where we lived. She knew he was living there but she went there unannounced. He had no interest in my mother, but she thought he did. She always used to talk about him in her diary, and well, when she got to the area he was living, she didn’t know exactly what house it was, and she said she will wait for him to appear.

After a couple of hours she gave up and used the last of her money for the taxi back. She also had a bottle of wine she was given (she does not drink) and she got seriously drunk that evening.

She started by getting abusive, smacking me around the face, trashing the house and ripping the wallpaper off of the walls. My brother disappeared around his girlfriend’s house to be away from it, while I was left there listening to the sound of plates and bowls being smashed on the floor.

My mother was a heavy smoker and without cigarettes she would get into a manic depressive frenzy. She took out her clothes from the bedroom and took them to the bottom of the garden, and then set fire to them. I was absolutely terrified and in the house crying my eyes out. I had no one to go to; I didn’t know what to do.

I started my secondary school, which was the first one I attended: The Hayling School. While I was there, I found it very difficult to make friends, or even know where to start. What had begun as normality, people sitting next to me and just getting on with their work, turned into isolation. People just weren’t bothered about me, but at least I was left alone. Until a few months past, that was.

People always used to call out my name in a very strange manner: “Daaaaavid…?” and then people laughing at me. I had a strange obsession with cats at this time, and was forever reading cat magazines. People picked up on this at school, and they would make cat noises at me, and intimidate me. It was so humiliating. There were times I would simply just stand up and shout “I can’t take this anymore!” and walk out of the room, and not return.

The abuse I used to get this this place was mostly mental abuse. It was not so much physical, that was left for when I returned home to my mother.

After being there for just under a year, the bullying was intolerable. I couldn’t cope, so my mother was discussing this with my social worker and the school concerned. I left the school and joined another school instead: Chichester High School for Boys.

I started this school partway through Year 8. Being a “high school” my mother thought that this was great and something to be proud of, but the novelty soon wore off especially when she was made aware of what I was going through there.

The isolation started from quite early on at this school and yet again I had no friends. With the current financial situation getting much worse at home too, it was absolutely hell for me to be able to even keep up with what was going on.

At this school the name calling started, and then the mental abuse. After this came the physical abuse. My obsession with numbers had taken a somewhat strange turn; I seemed to develop an obsession for telephones. I used to play with public payphones in dialling numbers. Very strange indeed.

There was one person who I had kind of developed a crush on. The problem is he was one of the kids who used to be friends with the bullies, but never really used to pick on me. I took a liking to him, but he didn’t like me. I managed to find his phone number, and well, I started making nuisance calls to him. Not speaking – just ringing and putting the phone down.

I had no idea his father was a fireman – and was distressing for him, especially when it used to be at all hours of the day. I don’t know why I did it – I think it was just a mixture of knowing he wasn’t picking on me, but also frustration that I couldn’t be friends with him.

When he used to come into school the following day he would always talk about how he had “10 phone calls last night” but not knew who it was. I have no idea how that made me felt – relieved, I really don’t know?

At this time (I was around 13/14) I started to realise that my sexuality may not be like everyone else’s. Sometime from these calls being made the police was involved. I was formally cautioned by the police for nuisance phone calls, and well, that was very embarrassing for me.

From here on, things started to get much worse at school. I still had my cat obsession, and there were things I did that even now I am too embarrassed to say. But still, I carried on, and tried my best.

The home situation was starting to get worse, and the finance situation was not ideal. My mother was getting more and more depressed, and the trashing of the house was becoming more regular. My mother got to a stage where she would be too scared to leave the house, and then she became dependant on me.

It got to the point where the bullying at school was so bad; I was being physically beaten up. There were occasions where I was beaten up while queuing up for class, in front of the teacher. The teacher didn’t even intervene, I was on the floor being kicked and punched. I ended up with a bloody nose and went home early, and then I got in to trouble for not being at school.

There were several meetings that were held between me, the school and social services to try and determine why I had been playing truant / leaving school early. They never really seemed to listen, and by this time I spent most of my time at home looking after my mother. Getting the shopping, paying the bills and doing all I could to look after her. I just wanted to be a normal kid, make friends and go round people’s houses. It was very difficult for me.

While I was at this school, my mother lost both of her parents, her aunt and the family pet all within the space of one month. It was tragic for her – and even the day I came home crying in a temper ripping my school books up she was sat there crying because of what she had been through.

There were other times at school where the bullying was even more physical, for example, being locked in a cubicle at the toilets of Chichester railway station, and having my clothes and bag set alight by the other kids.

Around this time the financial situation was that bad, I had to head to the streets most evenings, to try and avoid my mother getting into another depressive episode. She would be constantly getting angry because of her lack of nicotine and so she would tell me to go to the streets picking up cigarette ends off of the pavements. When I came home she would sit them on a grill and dry them out before smoking them. It was such a sad time; there was nothing else I could do.

I ended up having to leave school early and not return because I had to care for my mother more and more. I never managed to get any GCSEs done, because I never attended the exams. I did want to go to college, however at the time I was being paid carer’s allowance, and while that money was going straight to her for food shopping and such she would threaten me, telling me that “if I went to college she would make sure my money gets stopped” – not even thinking that it would affect her and me more than just myself.

I did go to college but had to drop out halfway through the year because of the social issues/financial issues. People were a little more grown up at college but people were still very dismissive of me. I guess at the age of 16+ people tend to understand a little more about these kinds of things.

At this time I did have a serious problem with being in people’s houses. I would find it extremely difficult to be able to walk into someone else’s house for fear of saying/doing something wrong. I would avoid it at all costs. Also, while I was at college, there was a girl I got to know and I started dating her, and it got to the point one evening where she invited me into her house (she clearly was up for some fun). However, I declined because I was too damn scared, and even now I’m still a virgin with girls (at 27) – more of that later on.

She ended up breaking up with me after she found out I am bisexual. She found that difficult to cope with so we never saw each other after that.

As time went on the home situation got much worse. My mother was getting to the stage where she would cut off all of her hair, rip her clothes and resort to physical abuse. I still have a scar on my arm where a knife was jabbed in, and the skin cut out. I remember that day in particular – the house was quite bare, there were no carpets and little or no wallpaper on the walls. I was backed into a corner whereby she was threatening me. “Everyone only comes out with WORDS – they’re just a WORDSWORTH” she would say, repeating over and over. She would hit and punch me while crying, and scream out pulling on her own hair.

Shortly after I attempted to commit suicide by swallowing a whole pot of pills, this was right in front of her. She laughed at me.

There were times we were so hungry we went literally 6 days before eating something. As soon as payday came around and my mother had her nicotine fix, she would suddenly change her attitude and be nice towards me and my brother. There is one time in particular – it was a Sunday if I remember: my brother and I were upstairs in the bedroom. She came up the stairs with one pork chop on a plate divided into three and a small amount of cabbage. I guess times were hard, and she was doing all she could to help. But most of the time, it was just a case of going without.

By this time, my father was living a little closer to us than before. There were times I would go and visit him, but most of the time he wouldn’t be in. At one point my brother was living with my dad, as he could be trusted. For some reason, my dad wouldn’t trust me, and so he wouldn’t leave me in his flat on my own. My father would always go out gambling – on the horses, on the dogs, bingo, you name it.

There was a girl which he was seeing regularly – by the name of Yuen. She was blind however it is difficult to understand whether he was using her for monetary gain, or whether he really was friends / in a relationship with her. In the meantime though, my dad always used to come round to our house and steal things from us that he wanted.

There was one time in particular we had no food in the house. I went to my dad’s flat to see if he was in. He wasn’t, so I put my hand in the letterbox and let myself in. I managed to take some food from the cupboard (we hadn’t eaten in 4 days) and I brought the good back.

Later on that day, my dad came round. He grabbed me from the bedroom and started beating me violently. I was covered in bruises, I was screaming out. He told me that I should NEVER go to his flat again and threatened me with the police. I think I must have been about 16 when this happened – and let just say out of everything I took (which wasn’t much); he left us with one can of baked beans.

After college, I was signed up to a training group which was located in the main town centre. It was a group that helped people look for work, and I made a friend of someone who used to go there – Matt his name is. He was the only friend I had, and he lived in Bedhampton. He was such a great guy to me, and well… I fell for him. I was spending so much time with this guy and was coming home at all hours. Unfortunately I have no contact with him anymore, but it would be good to be able to speak to him again at some point. I doubt that will happen though.

This wasn’t doing any good for my mother. By this time my brother had moved away, and was living up in the north of the country with his girlfriend, who also had two kids. I really had enough of what I could take so I ended up moving into where by brother was living for some time. In all honesty the break did me good.

When I moved in it was quite welcoming. Although, it was only a matter of time before things started to go sour. My brother’s girlfriend had three sons, one of them was 16; the others were 4 and 8. The 16 year old I really didn’t have any problems with; he generally just did what he wanted to do and that was that. The 16 year old had already been in care and out again for his behaviour, and the accusations that he had been making with other people.

The 8 year old on the other hand – he was a very twisted child. He was way ahead of his age; he would always watch things on television which were totally inappropriate for him and would reflect that when he plays with his toys. Usually, his play time would involve ripping the heads off of dolls and naming them under characters of the hit TV series Bad Girls. An 8 year old playing with a headless doll by the name of Shell Dockley is not fun.

This child used to beat me up – but because of his age, I could not and would not retaliate to that. I have scars on my hand where he dragged me outside, he would hit and kick me, shouting names like “gay boy” while other kids are crowding around while laughing at me. He used to throw things at me, and there were times where he would run upstairs with a carving knife and threaten to stab me. He was clearly not normal in this sense, and well, I just couldn’t cope with it. Even now I have a scar on my hand from where he dragged me about that day.

There was one time when he came upstairs of an afternoon… he came up to me and said “I want you to kiss me” and he was trying to come on to me! I was absolutely shocked at this, so I went down stairs and told my brother. He said “oh just ignore it he is being stupid” and that was that. I didn’t think anything of it.

After time went by, his girlfriend told me that I wasn’t wanted in the house (because of some silly argument to do with the washing up”, and so I was told to leave. I had to try and get back home to Havant, but without the money it was very difficult. The first thing I did was visited the police station and explained the situation. They attempted to contact my mother (I was already on the phone to her anyway earlier that day explaining the situation) and they agreed to give me the travel fare to get home, as long as the fare was paid at my mother’s end directly to the police station.

I managed to get home, and my mother was pleased to see me again, however it wasn’t long before things were changing again, for the worst. When I arrived back home, the house was still in a state. There was a major flea infestation throughout the entire house (we had four cats) and there was cat mess in the corners. No carpets or wallpaper, and it were the house exactly as I remembered it before.

I contacted the Trisha show, and was called back by a producer of Anglia TV, stating they were interested in my story. I wanted to tell my mother everything, how I was feeling, my sexuality, everything. Thing is though, I couldn’t go because I had no trainers; I had used wiring to strap the sole of my shoes together as they were falling off of my feet. I would have felt too embarrassed to go on a national TV show like that.

It wasn’t long before I was desperate to get out, and this is where I met my first official partner, Jai. I started to talk to him online through Lycos Chat and Date. He lives in London, and we really got to know each other well there. Just as things were starting to get better, I received a telephone call one day. I answered the phone and it was the West Yorkshire Child Protection Unit.

“We have received a complaint accusing you of interfering with a child you used to live with”. I was shocked, so shocked in fact I nearly dropped the phone. Upon speaking to my brother, I was told that the child was “boasting” to people telling them he was abused. I couldn’t believe it – the first thing I did was get myself a solicitor and stood my ground. I voluntarily went to the police and gave them an interview, explaining the full situation. I was later that month cleared of the allegations.

At this point I told my mother exactly what the situation was regarding my brother, and what I went through. She questioned him, and he admitted to her exactly what he did. She said that I (myself) should not have brought this up and that I should have let sleeping dogs lie. She sided with him saying he was having a breakdown and didn’t know what he was doing. The family was split.

By this time I needed a fresh start to put all this behind me. I had been speaking to my partner at the time more and more, and it was agreed that I moved in with him, given the situation. I was getting some plans put together that would change everything in my life for the last time, and nothing was going to stop me.

I had spoken to the taxi company, and I had the money saved, £40 in fact. The 12th January 2005 was the day, and 4:20am was the time. The evening before I was so nervous, I really couldn’t believe I was doing what I was doing.

I was watching television and my mother said she was going to bed and not to have the TV on so loud. I said my usual – “Good night mum, love you” and that was it. Within half an hour I was making the preparations that would change my life completely.

First I was armed with the black sacks, and what little clothes I had went in there. My computer (and a massive chunky monitor – the old CRT type) also was wrapped up in a bag. Every so often – well – every 10 minutes really – I was poking my head around the door and I was checking to see if my mother was still asleep, and sure enough, she was. I could hear her snoring.

The taxi was all paid for, and there were only a couple of hours before it was due to turn up. I was getting everything I needed boxed up, and ready to go. At one point, I was panicking – I could hear the sound of footsteps! There was an empty table in the living room where I had packed my stuff up, black bags everywhere and me staying deadly still so I wouldn’t be heard. Then, I started to hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Oh crap! I thought. I turned the light off in the living room so the light wouldn’t shine under the door. A few moments later she was walking back up the stairs and got back into bed. That was so close!

So by this time there was about 40 minutes before I was due to leave, and so I was getting the final preparations made. I went to the top of the landing (my mother was still snoring again by this point) and picked up the cigarettes from under the floorboards at the top of the stairs under the carpet (I had a little hiding place for this so I wouldn’t get caught with them). I went out for a quick smoke around the block and came back in, and this passed 10 minutes or so. When I arrived back the bedroom light was on! – Oh no, not again I thought. It’d be bad enough if she knew that I was leaving, but to know I’d been smoking too… that’d be awful.

When I came back in I didn’t hear anything at all, and so after poking my head out of the door the light was off again, so all was well. I had written a note which I left by the door saying that “I’m sorry, but I have no plans to stay here because of the way I’m being treated.” I moved my stuff to the garden gate (it was raining slightly by this time) and the taxi arrived. I loaded everything in, left the keys on the table in the passageway, and that was it. I was out of there.

I hadn’t spoken to my mother, father or brother ever since.

My obsessions had pretty much gone by then however I seemed to have an interest in looking at information that was in a chart format. I couldn’t (and still can’t) read fiction even now, and prefer non-fiction. Other than this there were a few traits that I had, especially in my speech and the way I said things, which may still show my slightly autistic side.

I had been with Jai for quite some time, and then I started battling with my sexuality again. The sex had stopped. “What if I’m not gay, what if I’m into both” I would always ask myself. My curiosity for girls was getting more and more prominent. My partner used to sleep with other guys for money – “Clients” he used to call them – and there were periods that he used to do illegal drugs. This was something I never took part in.

I managed to find a job while I was living in London, and that was working for The Carphone Warehouse (Head Office) in Acton, London. However the circumstances of getting the job were quite strange. I originally applied, and did a telephone interview. I passed this and was then invited to an assessment day. On the assessment day I tried to make my way there but I couldn’t find where I was going. I was completely lost – and so I missed the opportunity. I decided to come back to my new home and that was that.

I received a telephone call from the HR department asking to speak to “David”. That was me, so they told me that I was successful in getting the job!

Very strange, I thought. The contract arrived. The surname was wrong on it! And to top it all off, I was due to start on the Monday and it was the weekend already!

I went to my new job and tried to explain the situation. They explained that they could not understand what was going on, and so they said they would look into it. I completed the training, the test and passed those with flying colours. Towards the end, I spoke to HR and they dug out the paperwork of the original applications. They pulled out the paperwork for “David Elliott” and said “This is a copy of the provided passport”.

I was thinking… hang on a minute… I don’t even have a passport! – She got the copied page in her lap and there it was. Some guy, in his 30s, bald, looked nothing like me!

The penny dropped. It looks like I had stolen this poor guy’s job on a technical error! I explained that I felt bad about this and that I did try and tell them what the mix up was all about, but they said “it would be too costly to get rid of you and train someone else, you passed the assessments so we will change your name so it is correct on the system, and forget about the whole thing”.

Needless to say, if you are reading this Mr Elliott, I didn’t mean to steal your job and I tried to explain – sorry!

A little while down the line I quit that job due to mental health issues. A little further on from this, I was getting to know my partner’s friends more and more, and they were accepting of me. They used to call me Nukey because I was quiet but have a bad temper. It got to the point where I knew instantly they were talking about me when that name was mentioned – so I had my name changed officially to Nukey. I also changed my surname to something different (but common) so my parents couldn’t find me, so Pearce it was.

A little further on from this and my partner was sleeping around more and more. I and he visited his friends one evening, and to my horror he started taking cocaine. That was the tipping point for me, I had had enough. I couldn’t cope with that any more.

I got to know someone else online through Gaydar, and his name was Damien. I got to know him more and more and I started to visit him as he lived down here (in Exeter). The problem was my current partner was extremely clingy, and given the situation and the fact he did a lot for me, keeping my away from my parents and such, I would have felt so guilty given what he had done for me. The thing is though, I didn’t agree with the fact he was sleeping around and I also didn’t agree that he was doing illegal drugs. I needed to go. I had to think about moving away, like I did with my mother, so I didn’t have the guilt of leaving.

I know I shouldn’t run away from things and face up to them but it felt like I had no other choice.

While a friend was taking my partner out, I picked up my stuff and moved away to be with Damien.

To this day I am still in touch with my ex-partner, Jai, online, and I do visit him sometimes in London when I come up and visit. We have settled our differences and left that in the past.

While I was with Damien we moved into a flat near the high street. I got myself a job working for Choices Video, of which the company no longer exists any more. While I was working there it was reasonably okay, although towards the end of my employment there things went bad.

The assistant manager was constantly winding me up about my sexuality. He would ask inappropriate questions, as would other team members from other stores when they visited. There was one incident where the (ex) assistant manager – a guy called Andrew – forced me to wear my name badge, and stuck stickers from the label printer on the edges of the badge, showing homophobic slurs about myself.

As he was the assistant manager I was forced to wear it, and when the supervisor saw it, she had a go at me. I felt so bad at myself, but I did nothing wrong. I was later sacked from that job (failed probation).

To this day I see Andrew get onto the bus regularly when I go to work. It always brings it all back.

When I lost my job, I lost my partner too, and I ended up in debt with the bank. We were on a short hold tenancy lease of 6 months, and as he was leaving I had no option but to leave the flat. I then found out shortly before we split that he had been seeing a friend of his (sexually) and that he was telling people about “how weird Nukey is” that “Nukey is a social reject” and “He is the least interesting person I know”

I really can’t help being the person I am. I do find it extremely difficult to be able to make social friendships, and well; it goes to show maybe there was something wrong with me.

I ended up moving into supported housing shortly after speaking to a local charity.

After being in supported housing for a while, I managed to get a job, working for SITEL (a call centre) in Exeter. I had been working there for around four years, and at first it was a pretty okay job. This was until the social problems started kicking in again.

I was working on a technical campaign, and I still found it extremely difficult to make friends like I do now. Being technical and geeky most of the people on my floor were World of Warcraft players. I thought this would be a great opportunity to mix with my colleagues; you know, join up with them and play together. That sounded like a good plan.

So I started playing that game, and things were okay for the first couple of weeks. Then the isolation started to set in again. Uh oh… what have I done? Was it something I said or did?

At least I could start to understand people’s conversations now, as this was what they would talk about 95% of the time. I have always had problems picking up social and conversational queues, keeping track of conversations and knowing when NOT to interrupt.

As time went on, the trouble started at work. Homophobic abuse reared its ugly head again and given my social situation I was not in the best of ways.

I and a colleague were having a general conversation about IT when he came out with an offensive remark… “Oh shut your mouth you f**k**g f**got”. I reported this, along with the abuse that others had been giving (colleagues giving my full name over the phone to members of the public and telling them I’m “what you would call a little bit camp”), as well as other things. I made an official complaint however the people involved didn’t even get a telling off, and I was told that it was just “banter”.

I moved campaigns as I was too scared to appeal the decision.

At the point of moving campaigns things started to get much worse for me. Socially, I was struggling (especially as it was a smaller team) and I were becoming very stressed and tired most of the time. I blew the whistle for reporting drugs deals taking place at the organisation – I got into trouble for breaching confidentiality. All sorts of things happened – all but only a couple of members of the team would completely ignore me, ridicule me while I’m not there or generally make fun of me.

I had all I could take, and one day I walked out, threw my pass over the desk and told them I wasn’t coming back.

Later on after being persuaded to come back and work (that very moment – no breaks to get over the stress) – I was given a written warning for being “AWOL”. In between times, I was signed off work for a month and given anti-depressants. I appealed the warning. It failed, so it still stood.

Clearly this company had no desire to look after me, and then I started realising, maybe there is something wrong with me?

I have also given up World of Warcraft because of the homophobic bullying I used to receive as well as general bullying from the community.

I noticed that there were a few things I had been doing unawares. For example, when I get excited, I flap my hands at the back of my neck quickly; I also twitch, make strange noises and generally make people feel uncomfortable. I tend to repeat myself a lot, and have problems looking people in the eye (not people I know, but people I don’t). Also, my partner’s friends don’t really like me because of the way I am. I feel like an outsider. My partner says that they do like me but I’m thinking wrong, however it is blatantly clear they don’t because I never even really come up in conversation.

For the past few years I have been living with my current partner, Dave. I know he is trying his best to look after me, but it really feels that he does not understand what I am like as a person. He told me that being diagnosed for an ASD is a bad idea, as it will make me put a label on myself, it will also make me think I have it when I probably don’t. He also told me I should not report my brother abusing me as a child as it would be causing trouble. There was also a sexual incident which made me extremely uncomfortable – I was on the verge of falling asleep when something happened, and I woke up and panicked. We nearly split up after that.

As I was saying earlier, this social barrier has also prevented me from finding more about my sexuality, by experimenting with the opposite sex. I’m 27 and a virgin with girls, and now I am on the verge of being engaged to my partner, the frustration of not knowing really isn’t helping. I know virginity isn’t important however, how do I even know what I am if I’ve never even tried it?

I am seeing a psychologist regularly to try and find out what is going wrong with my head. I am in a new job at the moment, however it feels that most of the people there do not understand my condition, and still talk to me like I don’t understand things, when I do but simply need clarification. Being a completely non-technical job like before, I do become very bored easily as I can’t keep my mind active. I wouldn’t mind if there was more work to do but when there are no calls coming in and no access to the Internet, I am sat there doing nothing while others talk to each other (with me omitted from the conversation). I am looking for another job but I really can’t take much more of the way the job is going. I have already been told by my manager “If you are feeling this way then maybe this job isn’t for you”.

I have become emotionally drained. I still have systemizing issues such as cataloguing or collecting things, and always see things logically. Even now I’m terrified to make real-life friends; I don’t even know how to do it. I have been referred to a support group called “The Friday Alternative” for people in my position with an ASD, but even then I’m too terrified to even think about going to that, as I am clueless about even communicating with people in real life and in person, let alone make friends.

I have explained my situation partially to a colleague at work and he seems to be quite supportive of me despite his hard exterior. However, I really don’t know what to do here. This job is killing me, my relationship is killing me (I have not been sexually active with my partner since October 2010) and I have no family or friends.

Also, the people online I do know, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I seem to have a habit of buying people things, with no intention. For example, I brought my friend online from Denmark a £400 television. What is wrong with me? That's not right. I've never even met the guy before... but I just want people to be happy more than myself. I always seem to try and put others before me, at my own expense. Maybe I am just desperate for friends, or maybe there is something else to it, I really don't know.

I’m sorry it is such a long post. I really don’t know what to do. There are so many things in life I want to do but I feel like I’m being held back by the things in my own head

Thanks for listening to me rant and I’m sorry.

Nukey

Hi Nukey, Let me start by saying welcome to WP! Yours is an interesting story and let me applaud you for seeking to improve your cards every step of the way. It sounds to me like you have come a long way towards self realization. I am positive by reading through this forum and posting your questions that you can find a new and positive outlook for yourself. Accepting who you are, improving what you see as your shortcomings and building on your strengths are important for growth. It looks to me that you have come so far from being so concerned with yourself that you want to learn how to communicate well with others. You are obviously an intelligent and handsome person. Your past, although it may have been less than ideal (not to minimize the pain), is not who you are now. You see it for what it is and have moved on. Please forgive me my personal advice, but I think if you can forgive your parents for being the "flawed" human beings that they are, it might help you with moving on as well. That doesn't mean you have to make it up with them or contact them. Just in your own mind. Forgive yourself too for the mistakes you feel you might have made. You are also human and we all make them. The hardest thing is letting go and making our lives the best we can. Because ultimately, being an adult means making your life what you want it to be.

That brings me to my point. Do you know what you would like your life to be? Do you have a goal? Do you have dreams? It is all within you to accomplish your own dreams. But first, you have to have one. Every day you wake up is another chance to make a small step towards being the man you want to be, to live the life you want to have. Do you play an instrument? If not maybe you should pick up one. It can teach you the process of living. One small step at a time and then eventually, before you know it, you are playing! And with every step you take towards your goals, will get you there. Of course along the way, you will make mistakes, you will fail at some point, but if you keep practicing, you will succeed.

Good luck and don't forget to read of others on here who have encountered the same obstacles and learn how they managed to overcome. You can too.

PS. Never apologize for sharing what is in your heart. It is a privilege for those who are listening.

this is real terrible. your brother is twisted. your father doesnt care about feeding his own kids and he's violent, and your mother, being bi polar is no excuse for what she's done. many people are bi polar and they dont act that way.
the kids in school are maniacs and the teacher wouldnt do anything while you were attacked in front of her, which is very disturbing. the teacher needs to be fired, and sent to jail. whoever heard of such a thing?
seemse like life kicked you much harder than most. may i make a suggestion you learn self defense? i've heard krav maga is the best. i'm an aspie and i learned kickboxing, and although i have terrible motor skills i was excellent in it, so you can do it too. doesnt matter that you've got asperger, doesnt matter if your motor skills are lousy. it would prevent further abuse and would boost your self esteem and confidence.
i love cats, too. not a bad thing to be obssessed with. i had two. you should get one soon as you're financially stable.
dont let people take advantage of you! i used to do that. seems like an aspie thing.
it's good you've got someone who loves you and you love back, doesnt matter if it's a guy or if it was a girl, what matters is getting along, understanding and respecting each other.
what you've gone though and your childhood sounds like a nightmare and people in your life sound like monsters to me. but you dont have to let it go on. you're grown now and shouldnt let people mess with you. learning self defense is fun. i loved it. go for it. we aspies get in dangerous situations more than NTs and we are the first ones to get picked on and bullied. it just makes me so angry, and sad.
good luck to you

I have had a very easy life when put against yours and I want to say that I admire you for being so strong.
I can see a little of me in you, ever since I was a kid I've had this compulsion to give things, gifts and favours to other people.
I once made flyers for a bed a friend's mother was selling and went out everywhere walking giving them around and sticking them to mailboxes until it got sold. That was specially meaningful taking in consideration that 95% of the times I get incredibly lost.

Once I was down town and trying to get home walking because I had spent all my money on the wrong buses, without asking for directions from being frightened to speak with strangers (which I still am), wound up some five miles in the opposite direction from home.

I was so fond of this friends mother because she was like this emotionally caring mother I never had that there was this one time she had financial issues and I was already in trouble from taking food from my parents pantry and giving it to her so she could feed her sons that I made this flyer (I really don't know what I was thinking) to sell one of my kidneys and/or half my liver so I could give her the money. She later found out and got very mad at me, that combined with the trouble with my parents who were calling her practically a thief plus an incident that soon after occurred where I slipped my mouth about how her son made some sexual advances to me and that I later joined him, made her furious and has ever since never spoken to me.

Ever since then aside from this one person who I met for two moths soon after I haven't had a single friend to this day, its been three years and I though I am intelligent I haven't left home more than a few times mostly to the supermarket, nor have I completed my education, this one friend whom I lost along with the mother was the the third friend I have ever had in my life.

I too am scared of meeting people, I was bullied since kindergarten until I almost finished high school both physically and emotionally but I certainly did not go through what you went through at home and that makes me think that you are so much stronger and I hope and believe that you can get to be as happy as you want to.

I wish you the best. I am terrible at giving advice, no one ever seemed to think it was helpful so instead I wrote you a bit about me so you know that though you were not asking for it you share my deepest sympathies. I am often baffled when trying to understand mine and others emotions but of that I am sure.

You have been very brave by sharing your story, I hope you soon found all the happiness and mental peace you surely deserve.

I hope I didn't insult you or caused you any uneasiness in any way with my above reply, It really was not my intention.
Wish you the best. ^_^

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to The Haven]

Hi again,

First of all, I am very sorry if I posted in the wrong forum originally.

Thank you for the kind words. It is so good to be able to have people who can relate to me and vice versa. It is always difficult for me to tell these things in person, as I wouldn't know where to start or even what to say. This is the best way for me to express how I feel without the un-easyness of doing it in person.

In no way have you made me uneasy. You have demonstrated that these things happen to others too, and that I am not alone. The thing is though, my partner has been telling me recently that "It makes no difference if I have AS" as "Things won't change". I try and explain that by getting support this way will help me overcome some issues, especially social ones, and know what to avoid doing in the future, but he doesn't really seem to listen. He thinks the whole thing is completely black-and-white and would make no difference, if anyone even knew I had it in the first place.

I have been doing the quiz things too and I seem to be passing those quite well so to speak. I got 164/200 on one, 16 empathize and 109 systemize on the other. Also got Autistic/BAP on another one and 41 on the main AQ test. I guess I am slowly coming to terms with who I am, although even now it seems quite a shock to me.

There are times I do think about how my mother is doing but I am too scared to even think what may happen if I did try and contact her for an update, considering it has been nearly 8 years now.

But thanks for your kind words anyway, and thanks for being here and helping me.

Hey there.

I thought I would post an update to my situation. Recently things have been quite difficult for me, and have been getting seriously bad mood swings. I have received some information from my psychologist about the depression and anxiety I have, but have been told that it could take up to 12 months for the appointment to come through to actually have the AS assessments.

I've noticed that recently I have also been losing a lot of friends that I speak to online especially those I have known for many years. Facebook profiles disappearing from the list and being blocked, people not returning my messages back, and in one or two cases, people being nasty to be before blocking me.

I really dont feel like I could harm anyone, in fact I'd do anything for anyone really, but I'm just worried about myself more than anything, because talking to people online is my only social outlet and they are even disappearing. For example, there were a couple of friends I had from Finland, and after I was completely frank and upfront to them about my disagreement of use of drugs, they blocked all contact with me (maybe it was something I said). Other examples would be my Facebook friends who I knew all the way back to about 10 years ago; they start ignoring my messages and then blocks me out of the blue without even so much as a reason. I reckon over the past month I have lost 8 or 10 people who I used to talk to regularly. Maybe theres something wrong with me, or maybe I'm just weird. I don't know.

I know I am probably being really selfish but I really need people to talk to now, things are really getting out of hand for me, and it seems that you guys are the only ones I can really turn to. Not even my partner understands, he just lets me get on with it.

Sorry for being miserable, I really don't know what to do. Things are starting to get real bad for me

I do hope that you can find a way forward that will enable you to find some sense of calm and security.

I get the impression that maybe you are a bit too open and honest with your friends. That probably sounds odd, but what I mean is that sometimes it's possible to step outside the boundaries of what is expected within a friendship - for example by expressing strong opinions about controversial topics such as drugs. It's about understanding the unwritten rules of friendship - not an easy thing to learn, by the way. If people have been blocking you online, that suggests that you may have offended them, or come across as too aggressive maybe? Or they may feel overwhelmed when you share details of your problems with them - not because they don't care, but because they don't feel able to offer you support at that time, or have problems of their own to cope with.

Have you had a look in the General Autism Discussion forum? There are some great threads in there about social rules etc which you might find interesting.