Depressive episodes - I want to help but don't know how

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Hi, This is my first post. Pls disregard spelling as I am posting from my phone . I have a newish boyfriend (I'm NT) who recently told me he has Asperger's. He fits in to social situations very well, is very affectionate, likes touching and holding. I am trying to learn more about this condition so that i can be there for him. The way that I've noticed AS affects him is that sometimes he has terrible anxiety / depression episodes where he just lays in bed and moans. It breaks my heart to see him this way. What can I do to help him when he gets like this. He wont tell me anything specific, and I can't guess. I also fear that i'm causing his depression. He's told me that he has a major phobia that he will eventually 'hurt me', but wont say specifically how. When he gets upset, i just want to hold him and make it all better. Is that the right thing to do? Please help.

With medication for either anxiety or depression, it could be the fifth medication that really works, it could be the eight (also sometimes important to step down in phases).

Then it's highly variable whether there's a component of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), bipolar 2, etc, etc.

All this is basic health information which people should know about and generally do not. For example, I've heard of bipolar 1 and 2, but I don't know what it's about.

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As far as being aspie, "on the spectrum," I can participate as a human being in intense interaction and get a lot out of it. At the same time, I need a goodly amount of alone time in order to emotionally process.

Me, I take long walks and I kind of need to.

Best thing for me in a situation like that is just to be left alone. And afterwards, to not have to explain myself. For things to be normal, for there not to be a "thing" about it that I have to explain. It's normal for me, its how I internalize things and repair myself. I don't moan but sometimes I do just lay in bed for hours, in retreat from the world. A calm environment helps the process.

For me, I need to go into a kind of trance. It's in there that I come to terms. I've noticed that certain light/shadow patterns help get me there, for instance, dappled sunlight coming through leaves, or reflected off a body of water that can be seen from a window. Naturally, this isn't always possible, but if it's there I'll move the bed to a spot where I can take advantage of it.

Some people also seem to be comforted by weight, so they use weighted blankets. This sounds appealing but I've never tried it.

Aardvark, thank you for your insight. I'm afraid I might have mis-advised him about medication, because before I knew he is AS, he was talking about taking anti-depressants, and I told him I thought it was a bad idea to over-medicate b/c it changes your personality. But some people really do benefit from and need meds. Maybe I can bring it up again. Right now he's doing great, so maybe I wont push it.

Edgewaters, Thank you. I know everyone is different in their needs when they are depressed. I used to get pretty bad depression, but never so debilitating as this. I'll try leaving him be, and giving him comfort and space. And try not prying, or asking him too many questions. Maybe that will help his re-building process. But to tell you the truth, it's REALLY hard to know someone is suffering so badly, and be powerless to help them.

As your username suggests: just "be there." That's probably all he needs to know--that you are there and aren't going anywhere.

If he needs you to hold his hand, do so. If he needs you to just sit by his side, do that. If he needs you to go into another room--well, you get the idea. No matter what, he will come to you about it when he is ready/able, which may not be for a while, but he WILL know that he is loved, which is all that matters.

His phobia about "hurting you" may be emotional (that at some point he won't be able to handle the relationship and will push you away) or (if he has any OCD tendencies), physical--sometimes, with OCD, bizarrely intrusive thoughts about doing absolutely unthinkable things (like hurting someone you love) come into your head, and they won't go away.

Eventually, he will probably share this with you, too. Just don't push, but I think you know this already.

Best of luck to you both.

Hi,

Because of family issues and OCD issues (afraid of both germs and chemicals), I saw psychiatrist back in 1989 when I was twenty-six years old. I saw the guy for about six months. At one point, he recommended Prozac and explained on a piece of paper how I guess a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor worked. At a later session, it came up again. I asked him something, asked a follow-up question, and the guy said "I'm not going to justify . . " with a lot of huffy anger in his voice. Wow. Okay, I learned several lessons.

* might just as well see a 'regular' doctor like an internist or family practitioner, since it's all hit or miss anyway. And it's about light touch and staying loosey-goosey and not about brilliance or "being right" or genius.

* I also worried about the medication changing my personality. I now think it's a matter of trying it and seeing if I like it. I could even start with half pills. (and sometimes also important to step down in phases)

* The science is not to the point where they can measure precursors or breakdown products in the blood and make an educated guess. And plus, I think everyone's biochem is a little different anyway. So, I think it's very much is trial and error, and in a respectful sense.

* Young residents in psychiatrist work too many hours, and they don't exactly take the approach that the hard (read: difficult) patients are the good patients.

"Treating depression can be hit or miss"
http://articles.latimes.com/2009/aug/03 ... ug-choice3 (2009 article)

"Stopping antidepressants can cause side effects"
http://articles.latimes.com/2009/aug/03 ... ing-drugs3 (also 2009, and from this I take the commonsense approach of the importance of stepping down in phases if I've been taking it for a while)

I have not yet tried antidepressants. They're kind of my ace in the hole for next time.

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Regarding intrusive thougths, if in fact that is part of the issue, I very much like the zen approach. I am not trying to push out the thought because an attempt to do so would just give the thought more power, nor am I trying to hold onto the thought. Rather, in a detached, mildly curious, almost mildly bemused way I can watch the thought float in and float out, and no big deal either way. As an analogy, think of an old line Baptist preach who really harps, harps, harps on the evils of cardplaying. Well, heck, I could have gone all day without thinking of cardplaying once. Or as another example, what if someone recommends, Do not think of a white cow.

Hi BeThere and welcome to WP

Does your bf know about this site? It is really nice of you to join the community to learn about your bf's Aspie inner workings

In my past, I had a lot of difficulties in relationships when partners persistently tried to get me to tell them what was 'wrong' when I receded into myself to process 'things'. I know that they were acting out of love and care, but my reactions were sometimes volatile enough to cause an argument...I do not excuse my poor behaviour, but it is what it is. As long as you give him the space and time he needs, he will come good again, and if anything like myself, will seek you out to let you know he wants to connect again

My best wishes to you both

Conundrum, 'pushing away because he cant handle the relationship', and 'ocd' both may be involved. I don't know if it is just AS, or also OCD, but his routines are highly structured and when they dont go as intended it throws him off. I didn't know that ocd traits included bizarre or violent throughts. But it would be quite troubling if one couldn't rid themselves of a thought, good or bad.

Aardvark, prozac is the reason that I initially told him not to take anti depressants. (before i knew that anything was different). I just remember when prozac came onto the market and several people i knew began taking it. The personality transformation was quite exacerbated and difficult to watch. But these folks did not really need it. So I cant respect someone using something that takes complete control of them if they have no intrinsic need. Just my opinion.

Guybrush_Threepwood, thank you for the welcome! I have no idea if he knows about this site or not. Since he told me about AS we have not discussed it. At the moment I didnt feel that i knew enough to have an educated conversation about it. And since, he hasn't brought it up. It seemed really tough for him to say anything about it at all. So i began trying to learn more about it by reading up about AS online. Most of what I read initially seemed to either be simplistic, or contain what seemed to be mis-information. (eg: AS people don't have emotions. Really?). But reading this site, it seems to contain a lot of content written by people who are actually living with this type of mind. Not written by someone like me who would just be guessing at what's going on in your worlds. Anyway, it's helpful, especially in an anonymous forum.

Yes--pretty awful. I've had some traits, but never full-on. I do know a couple of people with varying forms of it and it is horrible for them.

You may want to browse this site: http://www.stuckinadoorway.org/forums/