Who I am

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I am nothing, if my horrible presence is subtracted. If in good spirits I cannot relate. My presence does not make anybody feel good. If depressed, I only make everybody around me feel bad.

I have only used resources without giving the world anything worthwhile. I don't like myself, and it follows that nobody else should like me either.

Do this, try that, push towards being a better person...pointless.

What worth does feeling so low have? I feel so heavy that sometimes I stop breathing. I wish to leave but don't have the ability to make it so. Thought persistent in my mind, if only. If only what? If only I belong? If only I wasn't so broken? If only I wasn't a miserable nothing? I deserve this existance. I skirt the line of madness...I look out over the ledge..the sea of infinite possibility threatens to flood my mind...my existance is not the most painful...my life not the most challenging...I am weak then.

Should god exist, then my arguments over the years are for nought. If you exist my lord, as my heart tells me you do, but my mind disagrees, then I no longer argue with you...I only wish to tell you that you have broken my heart.

To the people that I share my existance with, past, present, and future, you are forgiven, and I hope that you may forgive me. This world makes no sense. This life has no meaning. It is all for nothing.

My heart bleeds and pushes forth the clots of human emotion. My soul ceases weeping only to shriek in the manner of a lunatic. My bones ache, my limbs heavy, my body tired. Walk this road not knowing the way, the destination, or the cause. Hold myself. Lay and wait to expire.

If this world is the work of the creator, I am in hell. If this world is the work of chance, I am the element that is not fit to continue in any manner.

Excuse me this mad rambling...nobody wants to hear me...ME...speak, so the best I have is this. Do you read threads god? See what is in my heart? Want to show me how bad things can really be? f**k you.

very poetic.

hope things aren't actually that bad.

OP, thank you for writing this. Sometimes I think I am the only one...

"woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw,
100 billion bottles washed up on the shore,
seems I'm not alone at being alone,
100 billion castaways looking for a home."

While I fall into this hole sometimes, it isn't my usual mood. Thank you all for your concern...I'm ok now

I have been trying to cut back on my Dex intake because I don't like the buzz...it's a bit old now...or I am rather, which is probably why I want an even-keel if I can get it...anyway, I had become 'addicted' to vitamin C chewable tabs lately...I like the taste...and I should of known, but can be a little dense sometimes...acid food and beverages cause the body to excrete Dex at an increased rate...and with enough acidic input (say, ruby grapefruit drink in bulk, which I unfortunately had to give up when I started on Dex) the effect of the Dex can be nullified. When I don't have any Dex in my system during waking hours I become quite down....

So, no more chewing on vitamin C tabs to assist in giving up smoking...like you all wanted that detailed explanation of my mental derailment Good news is that my Dex-free mind became creative and I have a wonderful theory on the state of our existence...look out for it in the Philosophy section soon

When Moses went up the mountain and saw God, he asked 'What is thy name', to which God replied- "I AM THAT I AM".

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtikVviiK8g[/youtube]

'I am that I am' is a good starting place for looking for self-indenity.