I still don't know why, but I'm just struggling when it comes to feeling satisfied with what I've been doing in life so far. I've been admitted to an excellent College, but I'm basically in the exact economic demographic that I don't qualify for financial aid, yet am affected the most by the crushing cost. Both of my parents work full-time to support me and my three siblings, and expect me to work extremely hard as well.
And that's a problem. I'm petrified with fear about working in even a part-time job at the moment. I'm so busy with School and extracurricular activities to qualify myself for Scholarship offers to try to lessen the costs of College. But there are so many things right now that just incur ever more burdens to my spirit.
I worry about the future of the world, and I'm starting to come around to the idea that ignorance is bliss. I can now fully understand why some people would come around to that point of view, or even plunge themselves into drugs just to try to escape. I'll try to narrow down what's got me blue;
I'm trapped in a spiral of guilt. Basically, I work extremely hard (or at least perceive that I work extremely hard) on Schoolwork, but usually procrastinate to a small extent on long-term projects. And inevitably, something slips through my fingers. After a hard day of Schoolwork and an extracurricular activity, I come home to more demands. At this point, I'm fed up with the world and want to retreat into my imagination and roleplaying games.
But when I do so... I eventually feel guilty. Paradoxically towards how hard I feel that I work, I feel guilty for relaxing. This bad feeling carries over to the next day of work, and then leaves me feeling worse when I try to relax again, to make me feel even worse the next day, and so on and so forth.
That's about all I think I can coherently write for now.
23 Apr 2012, 10:56 am
