Vicious Cycle...

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I start school...I do well for a little while...I get bored...then overwhelmed...then flunk out. I've currently made it 80+hours of college (this has been starting & stopping for 4 years now), and I'm trying to finish up the last semester for the year, but I'm on the verge of flunking out due to absences.

Also, I've been managing to hold a part time time job this time around while attending school, but it is all getting to be too overwhelming as my boss(es) keep adding to my job description because when I excel at a task they assume that I can handle more. If I tell them that I can't handle anymore and still do well they might replace me.

Also, I have been getting the feeling that he may be looking to replace me soon, because I have had several meltdowns at work in the last few months due to being overwhelmed. The most recent one was yesterday. I don't want to lose this job, because I have worked there off & on for years, so they know me somewhat (but do not know that I have Aspergers--they just make comments that I'm strange but smart, etc). I don't want to start completely over with another company who may be even less tolerant of my quirks & needs. I don't handle corporate environments well AT ALL, and I fear that is what I'd be forced to try if I lose this position. This is a small/medium sized locally owned real estate company, so it's a bit more lax with dress codes/schedules/overall requirements which suits me well. I can't stand dress clothes!! !

So, I'm about to flunk out of school (again), and possibly be unemployed (again). I've decided that I really would benefit from an official diagnosis despite my age (I'm 33). I could possibly get some help somewhere...some how. My only problem is that I don't have money for doctors & shrinks. Even if I manage to hang on to my job...I don't have health benefits, and I don't make enough money to pay for a diagnosis. I'm in Louisiana.

I don't know what to do.

I just noticed the social network buttons to "share" this post...please DO NOT. Thanks.

Clearly you are either indecisive or letting depression take too strong of a hold on you. What is making going to class difficult? Worries? Maybe you're also in college just to appease parents as well.

I think that maybe I thought that going to college would suddenly make me figure out what it was that I wanted to do with my life. However, it has not. Matter of fact, it is boring me to tears. I started in Biology...which I loved, but soon realized that my difficulties with math were not getting any better...so, I changed to English simply because I was trying to preserve as many credits as possible. Well, while I do love a good book...I have learned that I do not really like anything except non-fiction. English studies are literature...fiction...atleast primarily.

So, I can't get interested at all. I think I've made the decision to quit. My logic is that I've already racked up a huge student loan debt, and the classes are getting more intensive (long papers about boring fiction works that I won't read), and I can't make myself do it anymore. Also, it is too late to switch my major something because I've already been trying at this for 4 years. I'm just tired of it, and I feel like I'm wasting my time and money. :/

I think I have smoothed things over at work today. I ended up having to explain that I have Aspergers to my supervisor so that she would understand why I have meltdowns under extreme pressure (deadline changes). I think all is well. I think.

The depression is overwhelming at times. Some times it is so bad that I can't possibly fathom a way out. I get extremely dark every 3 months or so. Anxiety is almost always an issue though.

I should also add that people keep telling me that I should finish it simply to have the degree. While I suppose I can see the point of finishing it, I can't imagine being able to when I'm so uninterested, and the assignments and exams cause me great stress and anxiety.

I like the idea of college. I like the professors, and appreciate their intellectualism. I even managed to make a professor friend that I occasionally join on motorcycle rides, but I only truly enjoyed science classes.

Aside from that, every time I meet with my academic adviser she gives me these looks of disappointment and derision (when she is looking over my transcript). She makes me feel bad for my efforts, and I feel like she is simply patronizing me or maybe pandering me. I can see it in her eyes that she doesn't see the point of my being there and I'm wasting her time really.

Other than that, I just want to make enough money to provide for my family. I am realistic and know that I'll never be rich, and that's okay. My priority is happiness. Money is good, but it doesn't necessarily mean happiness. I just want to do something for a living that doesn't require too much social interaction. I like to work alone, and in the quiet.

I did a bit better at work today. I managed to keep it together...no meltdown...but I think that is because I skipped school and went into work early so that I could meet my deadline more easily...and I met it with time to spare. So, I moved on to my next deadline of next week. So, I get a headstart on something, and that helps.

Could always just request to go to all science classes. I can sympathize to a degree, having to look into subjects you find boring is tedious.

I recognize a lot of myself in what you write.

Do you find that you can do pretty well at a lot of things, but you never become an expert in any one of them? It sounds to me like you enjoy learning a wide variety of subjects but in-depth study doesn't appeal to you as much. Anyway, that's how I am. I'm not sure that a specialized major at college works well for this approach to life. It took me 7 years to get through college and I have never held a job that required a college degree.

That doesn't mean that I don't have a good job. Actually I make a good living and I am valued by my boss. I have always worked for small companies that can afford to hire one guy who is capable, though not expert, at a lot of things. This saves them money because they don't have to hire a lot of experts who they would only need every now and then.

I guess my point is that it sounds like you are trying to fit yourself into a conventional job and school situation when it really doesn't suit you.

What are the things that interest you? If it's biology and related sciences, are there libraries or research facilities that could use someone with a broad, wide ranging knowledge? Can you backward engineer the kind of job that could be done well by a person who thinks like you do?