Please help, I don't want to live anymore

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I can't take being alive anymore. I don't know why I am asking for help because I've been trying to get through this for months and months and I don't think there's anything that exists that could help, especially now. I have so much pain and so much regret and so much sorrow over things that happened in my interpersonal relations. I can't deal with what happened, it really destroys me.

I don't know what more to say. I don't feel I have a choice anymore and I feel very very very bad all the time. I feel too bad too do anything except stay where I am and try to distract myself for a few minutes before I come right back to the same reality as always. I literally feel I'm in hell. This is hell, it doesn't get worse than this. I want it to be a bad dream. I really want it to but I know it's not.

It's been beyond unbearable for so long that every day is absolute torture to get through because every minute is torture to get through. I wasn't always miserable but I've found myself in a corner now that there's no coming back from and I can either stay around and let my heart die over and over and over again, every minute that I realize again the reality of things after a tiny distraction if I can even manage that, or I can die once and hopefully come out of this nightmare. I can't do worse than this. I can't. I am just destroyed.

They say when you exercise - like jogging or swimming - it helps your depression. I agree. For myself, these days, I'm deeply immersed in my interests so I guess it keeps me from going over the edge. I hope that's the same for you, too.

I am sorry you're feeling this way and have to go through it, CloudLayer. I don't think I can say much else than what LaurenceB and redrobin62 said. Just hang in there, please. Everything will change, even if it doesn't look like that.

I hurt her. She loved me. I didn't know whether I loved her. She was more into me than I was into her. Was I faking, was I trying on the relationship? Maybe a little bit of both.

Okay, now that I better know the Aspie side of myself, I definitely have things to offer and I definitely need a shedload of alone time. In fact, these are two sides of a coin. I am able to be with someone in the here and now and be open to appreciating them precisely because I do take a lot of alone time.

CloudLayer, you got in there and engaged with mmcool and I think helped. Now, you might think all you were doing was giving middle-of-the-road advice but maybe that's exactly what was needed.

Thank you, and please remain a contributor with us here. And please allow us to try and help you as we are able, too.

A doctor (G.P.) once told my mother that depression can start off situational and then become biochem. That makes sense to me. Problem is, not necessarily at all first antidepressant will work.
The zen conclusion world is open enough and some people are open . .

Hello CloudLayer.

You mention that youve had experiences regarding interpersonal relationships, have you thought about trying to meet new people with no hidden intentions, just to talk for a while?.

Im at a group where we just do that and several members say that it helps them cope.
They spend too much time at their house for whatever reasons and they need to get out and meet some random people to talk for a while to just get their mind off things and stop focusing on their work issues/need a break from awful room mates...
According to them this sort of short conversations help them get through their days.
Im not saying its a miracle solution that will sort everything out but it could be helpfull.

I was at a low point a while ago and it was things like meetup that gave me some sort of hope.

I still have most of the issues I used to have but I have some sort of reason to keep trying instead of just giving up which is what I used to do.

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Last edited by CloudLayer on 05 May 2012, 6:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by CloudLayer on 05 May 2012, 6:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

spongy's group idea has promise (actually I've never heard of a group like this although does sound like it has promise), but , but. . . and here's the tricky part, when I'm depressed I don't have the energy for the preliminary steps like making phone calls which for me always takes a lot of energy, for something I don't have any real hope is going to work anyway.

So, it's a downward spiral and I guess it's any of the above to slow downward and just maybe begin upward spiral.

Actually, the book idea by LaurenceB isn't bad. Something that might take my mind off it with the possibility of something positive. I don't want to just thrash around like a wounded animal trying one desperate thing after another. But if it's generally positive anyway, then alright.

The philosopher John Stuart Mill went through a mental crisis in his early to mid 20s from which he recovered slowly but did recover, including a happy marriage I think to Harriet Taylor later in life. (Now, he didn't have the opening or SSRI's or SNRI's, etc). So, I think it's all of the above.

Sorry your feeling so horrible, I can relate to that...as I am in a simular place in life and have attempted suicide in the past. Anyways I know it can be nearly impossible to enjoy anything when you feel that way, but is there anything that makes you feel any better at all? I mean I would consider all the options before getting too set on suicide.....have you tried therapy? not saying that is a cure all I have tried it and it did not help so much with me but it certainly does not hurt to try.

Also do you feel like if you could just be in less pain you might be able to get more out of life? or more kinda burnt out and feeling like you just want to be done with life in general?

Have you tried getting psychiatric help? If meds and therapy don't work, if a hospital stay doesn't work, what have you lost if you are going to kill yourself? You have nothing to lose by trying help first.

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Last edited by CloudLayer on 05 May 2012, 6:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by CloudLayer on 05 May 2012, 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Things can't be undone, you are right about it. But it doesn't mean everything is lost. There are things waiting for you in the future, even if you don't believe me, but you simply can't see it now. It's like being in completely darkness: just because you don't see objects around you doesn't mean they aren't there. All you need is just a little light.
I apologize if I'm wrong, but from what I've read I feel like you are partly afraid to let go of the pain because you feel like it's the one thing that keeps you close to the person you lost (I assume). Like it's the only connection left and you're afraid that if you let it go, you'll have nothing left. If that is at least somewhat true, you should know that letting go of the pain and getting better will not erase your memories. But you can get to a place where you can remember things without this extreme pain. That is possible even if you can't believe it now.
Hold on to the things that keep you from doing something drastic and irreversible. Hold on to the responsibility for your Mom's life, if you feel that works at least a little bit. Hold on to your dog because no one will love him/her like you do. Just hold on, please.

This sounds like a really hard bout with disillusionment. It sounds like you had high hopes for some things and they got rolled under. I spent a good portion of my late 20's, often, feeling quite serious about suicide over momentary things however they weren't just capricious, they were clearly times where people, things, or events were taking my absolute value as a human being and slapping me across the face with it. When you're smacked across the face with the unchangeable it is absolute horror and its a horror that pervades your deepest levels of being because it tells you that every fiber in your being is inferior and unworthy of life.

The only thing I can tell you is - your imagination is limiting your criticism to you and it seems like all your energy and all your focus is internal. The trouble with that; I'm sure at least half the people you know have just as much that they could beat themselves six feet into the dirt with. Its not that you aren't right about certain things about yourself, you're simply imagining a world that's much more superior to you than it actually is. I get that you have your personal preferences, what you want out of your own life, and saying "At least I have two legs, two arms, and my senses" isn't much relief. All the same; really try to take the feelings your having apart and separate unreality from reality. The places where you've wanted this to be a much better world than it is - that's the unreality, that's what needs to go out the window. As for your own failings, how much of it was you doing your best and still coming up short? If you raced your own limit and 100% wasn't the 120 or 130% needed - quite honestly f' it, you did your best and unless someone hates you being here so much that they're willing to risk life in prison to put you in the ground themselves - they've got nothing to say that's worth listening to.

Just keep trying to see this world for as broken as it is, understand that the illusion of being the only broken down person in a sea of perfect is a big Hollywood illusion that people put on in their own narcissism. What makes you perhaps better than them? You at least have the gription to *think* about this stuff and address it - they could be twice as bad off in their choices, compartmentalize it, hide it away, and all the time have themselves convinced that they're hot s***.

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Last edited by CloudLayer on 05 May 2012, 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Here's perhaps where your biggest challenge is - being almost like a second person there for yourself, even if you have a loud inner-critic make sure you also have an inner best friend. Being able to fill your own space is paramount and its a skill that takes time but will worth working at, especially when - as it comes and as it gets better - you even get more positive feedback and more out of the world around you.

I think my biggest realizations is that, once adulthood hits, people just fall apart - either in relationships (for better or worse) or on their own in singles apartments or singles areas. There's nowhere to go aside from get older and all you really have is self-improvement (which is much harder for those in relationship than singles), learning to find more and more peace with yourself, and generally speaking trying to cut down as much friction as possible between your needs and what reality can provide (again chipping at that from both ends - self investment and rearranging expectations). It happens to seemingly everyone and coming off of the early 20's "Sky's the limit" thing is incredibly hard - especially on spectrum.