Why can't I

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I don't want to live. Why do I have to? Because I have some obligation set by my family and everyone else to live anyway, no matter how painful, s**t infested, or lonely it is. The more I read about AS the more I realize I shouldn't be alive. Hope isn't real. Why do supposed "educated adults" believe in such crap? Sending me to special schools, giving me therapy, and tossing pills at my hands in some hope that they will give me the will and skills to live? why can't they let me just put an end to my consciousness? I don't belong on this planet with other humans.

Why is everyone so determined for me to live this weak, lonely life? I'm only a waste of other people's time, energy, and resources that could be used on others who are more likely to have useful and fulfilling lives, at least more than mine. The definition of the disorder or "syndrome" denies me my greatest desires and longings in life. By saying it'll never change or it will always be a struggle, how can they expect me to live with that? What's the point in saying it'll be worth it? Why even let me have any small, happy moments in life, knowing the crap I'll have to go through, and making me feel conflicted on whether I should live or not?

I'm so tired and exhausted of living like this. I've been angry, scared, and sad almost constantly for almost ten years. I don't want to do this anymore.

What are your greatest desires and longings?

Having a miserable life isn't inevitable--its just plausible.

Perception is how you perceive things.. unfortunately some of these small things add up and can seem to be hugely negative. But they are at the end of the day still small.

You're 17, incredibly young, you might not even have finished growing physically.

You don't belong on the planet with other humans? Why? Its not something that belongs to them alone.

You say you dread living the more you read about AS? Why? AS does not have to be a death sentence for you.

I don't have much comfort to give, except:

1. You are not alone. A lot of people feel the same. Reading your post helped me. It is very reassuring to know that someone else "gets it." You just being there helps me.

2. Just because someone makes you feel worthless or a drain on society does not mean you are. And even if you are, so is everyone else. Even the "successful" people often get there by unethical means or random luck. As for the rest of us, we all take more than we give in many respects. A lot of people feel that humans should do the planet a favor and become extinct. In that regard you're no worse than anyone else.

3. Greatsharkbite might be right. Things sometimes do change.

Im a lot older than you but I felt that way at your age due to intense bullying and I feel that way now as I have two painful chronic diseases and I lost my son. I can tell you that loosing a child is one of the most earth shattering, horrible thing that can happen to a person so if nothing else think of your Mom or your parents, sisters or brothers. I will never be the same without my son even though he was grown I miss him and cry for him every day. However I have two grown daughters and two little ones with autism. I also have my wonderful husband who helps me through all this. No matter how difficult my son was and he was my most difficult, I would give anything to have him back.....anything!

I know this is the new catch phrase but things do get better. You need to learn to love yourself and you need to try to be positive, none of this is easy but it can happen. I always say I do the "Pollyanna" trick. I find one good thing out of each day, like, I got new shoes....my favorite show is on. It may be little things but it gets you through the day and sometimes you just have to take one day at a time. If you feel like you need someone to understand you, my new thing is to recommending pets, my pets really do seem to understand when Im in pain they come up to me and lick me or drop a toy on me or purr in my ear. They can really help, I dont know what Id do without my little dog and my cats and my big old collie who tries to help me to the door but usually ends up pushing me into the wall.....oh well, she tries .

You are important to someone, I promise you that!

You sound like me.

Talk to me, dear.

"They" might just be full of s**t.