want to not exist

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Everything is so difficult, I'm fed up.

I failed to go on holiday because I had huge panic attacks and couldn't even get to the airport. Got really bad travel insurance so can't get my flight money back.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist about suppressed emotions and now I just feel angry and sad all the time. But I'm not going back on meds. I wish the people who bullied me at school could feel as bad as I do now, but they're probably having a easy life.

I can learn languages and want to see the world and the countries where the languages I have learnt are spoken - but I find trains and planes and buses really difficult due to panic attacks and the motion of the transport. Whats the point of learning languages if can't get to places they are spoken?!

I can socialise, but find it really tiring so prefer being alone. At the same time I'm lonely. Written communication is much easier than spoken.

And showing emotions at home isn't allowed, so I have to act happy all the time, even though I'm not. I'm fed up of hiding my emotions for my parents. Fed up with living at home in general, but I can't get a job, and have postponed doing the course in China as am not ready.

I keep getting overloaded emotionally and with too much noise and smells and everything.

Wish I didn't exist. Thought about suicide, but am too scared if I fail I'll end up in hospital and hospitals scare me, so I'm stuck.

I've felt this way - that nothing is the best option. It sounds counter-productive to say this, but learning to live within my limitations has helped me to enjoy life more. Not that I know what your limitations may be, but I guess what I mean is that I've learned to do things in a way that is comfortable for me. Do what you enjoy in the way that you enjoy doing it.

Oh dear. I know how you feel. I'm sorry that you're in pain.

I've been having a lot of panic attacks and depression too lately. It is really and truly painful when you are still suffering over something and it doesn't seem that any understanding of the suffering made it into the minds/hearts of people participating. It's possibly both the loneliest and most attacked feeling there is, because you really get the sense that there is no understanding in the world and someone could attack you and make you feel pain, emotional or physical, at any time. Hence the panic attacks. It is so, so, so hard to get over things when human beings, even the wisest ones, are still basically vulnerable children taking care of each other and not always doing a very good job.

It sounds like a good thing that you're talking with your psychiatrist about suppressed emotions - I know suppressing my emotions makes me fear the world at large and causes my panic attacks and severe depression that would look irrational to someone looking at me who doesn't understand their emotional origin. Of course, suppressing emotions is an unconscious coping mechanism used in dire situations when your mind/body can't take the stress of processing/grieving a traumatic situation because it needs to function.

I'm sorry about your holiday. That can't be fun. As regards concerns about taking transportation, is there any way that spacing out transport trips, when you find yourself able to go in the future, might help some? And planning trips so that once you're at your destination you can walk or ride a rented bike or take taxis around a smaller area? I know it might take a bit of extra planning but in a lot of cities you can see a lot of things just by walking, it would just be a matter of the trip there and back home. Also, I know it's easy to say but harder to do but I hope once your panic attacks abate you will be able to enjoy a nice interesting vacation where you can learn a language. (I like learning languages too.)

I relate to being tired out by socializing but lonely while alone. Very much. I am trying to come up with structured activities that don't require a lot of social pressure. This might sound kind of silly but when I have the opportunity, going to IKEA and walking around it usually makes me feel better, cause it's literally a homey atmosphere with lots of people around but who you're not expected to interact with, and the path in it is clearly defined so it's almost like walking through a labyrinth, and there are lots of little items or food items there for a few dollars or less if you are in the mood for getting or eating anything. Huge stores like that usually stress me out beyond belief but not that one. That's just one idea, of course it depends on what your interests and preferences are and what might be around you, where you could be in the presence of people but not pressured?

I think that it's very possible to unlearn the response that leads from suppressed emotional stress to having panic attacks but it probably takes some time and specific training. I wonder if you might find reading about the mechanisms of panic attacks helpful; I find it can really calm me down to read sites about the psychology of whatever problem I'm experiencing. This is similar to the fact that as bad as my panic attacks get, I generally don't think I'm dying anymore like I did when I first started having them and didn't know what they were. It is reassuring to know that whatever it is is a known phenomenon that can be treated.

I am sorry to hear you have suicidal thoughts, and wish you did not feel prevented from expressing emotion in your family, that only increases stress when what you need most is relief from it. Has your psychiatrist suggested any way you might approach your family about this issue, since it's a matter of your health? Could your psychiatrist maybe talk with them to get them to understand it would help you if they showed more care about your emotions and let you talk about what's bothering you with them?

I know it's not easy, in fact it's really really hard, but I hope you know that other people, me among them, believe that someone in your situation is able to recover from the panic and depression you're experiencing and do what you want to do. I am NOT saying you're not trying, I know you're trying very hard, but I am saying that I hope you are able to stop suffering with hopeless thoughts soon because you can be happy in the future.

In 1992 I attempted suicide. It wasn't a half-hearted attempt either. I really meant it. I washed down 48 Benadryl capsules with Michelob. (I figured 24 caps would do the trick but I took another 24 just in case). I ended up spending two months in a psych hospital. I have 4 brothers and 1 sister but only my sister & 1 brother came to visit. What I did learn from that experience is you're on your own in this world. If you left you'd be missed for a fraction of a second but the earth would still keep spinning. I guess this is my 2nd time around in life. I don't wish suicide, or feelings of suicide, on anyone. It's unbearable. So live life - we're all gonna die anyway.

That's been my approach for a long time but I think, lately, I've taken it much too far. When the choice is between being secure and independant and productive, and being comfortable with myself, too often, maybe, I've chosen the latter. In general I think it's a good approach - but in moderation.

Thank you ann2011, cloudlayer, redrobin62 and edgewaters for your replies. I feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone.

I think I just pushed myself too much lately - coming off meds and talking about childhood stuff is a big thing for me. At the same time trying to get a plane to family in the US just was too much. My psychiatrist thinks I should do some shorter flights to get me better at planes before attempting US or China, so I'll look into that.

My psych wants to get my mum into a session and talk about things. Part of me wants her to, part of me is really scared what will happen. Last time I did something my mum didn't like, she hardly spoke to me for a week.

Lifes so complicated. And my emotions are still very strong and scary. I was really upset last night and almost had a panic attack caused by crying too much. All negative emotions seem to cause panic-like symptoms in me.

My psychiatrist asked me to bring my Mom in and she asked her all kinds of questions about how I was as a child. It was okay. I interjected when I thought it was necessary.

My psychiatrist wants my mum to come in so I can ask her questions about how she acted during my childhood, and she can ask him and me questions about Aspergers. I'm not worried about the second part, but not sure what mum will do when I start asking her questions.

Depends on the questions ... did she act badly during your childhood? I would be nervous about approaching my Mom with past wrongs, but I don't know about your situation.

basically she and dad were told by an uncle that he was certain I was being bullied (I was, very badly), yet did nothing about it.....and when I tried to tell them what was happening, they just told me to "pull myself together," "concentrate on grades," and that "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." And they made me go to social things and then told me off loads when I failed at them and had panic attacks.
but when my brother (younger than me) had problems, they did everything to solve them and still treat him like he's special and important now.

That's frustrating - family dynamics can be strange. Their advice to you seems to indicate that they were not taking your problems seriously. They may refuse to acknowledge this though. People have a way of rewriting the past. Just my opinion, but I think sometimes you have to move forward and let the past stay in the past. Maybe if they learn more about Asperger's their attitude will change. My Mom and my stepfather stopped taking my problems seriously because they couldn't identify what was wrong with me and I had to hide my feelings because they would blame me for not handling things properly. Once my Mom found out I had Asperger's her attitude changed; I think because she could finally put the puzzle pieces together. She is now very supportive. The way I was treated as a child still bothers me, but I try not to dwell on it.

Being around - and being dependent on - an unsympathetic family was torture to me. Sheer poisonous torture. I was so glad to be away from them at 18 years old. Given my history of suicidal ideations, you wouldn't be reading this now!

I have bouts of not wanting to exists from time to time. I know it's hard, but you've just got to wait it out. Try to just focus on the present, not the past or future. Most of the time there's nothing bad happening right at the moment, but you're just bothered by things that have happened and passed or by projections of the future. Try your hardest to live in the present and I guarantee you'll feel better. It's definitely not an easy thing to do, but the more you work on it the easier it becomes. It'll keep you going until the day that everything falls into place and you're where you want to be in life. Hang in there, life gets better.

Sorry for time taken to reply - I post things then get scared of the replies that might come..

They never take my problems seriously. Panic attacks are "all in my head," and the bullying from school is "finished." All they care about is things, money and my brother (who can do no wrong in their eyes). They know I have Aspergers and have read books about it, but still don't help me. I find strong smells make my eyes hurt and me feel ill. I've told them this, including my brother - yet he still sprays his deodrant stuff right outside my room. I can shut my door, but sometimes I'm not fast enough and my room gets flooded with very strong smell. I get told off if I have my room door closed too often though. I can't win.

I'm trying to leave the past in the past. Since coming off meds though, all the suppressed emotions etc from the past are now not suppressed and there's loads of them. At home no negative emotions are allowed, and it's getting harder and harder to constantly hide how I'm feeling at home. I'm just worthless and not worth bothering about. They wanted an intelligent, sociable child, but they got me.