Absent from LIFE! :(

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So this is just a vent post...


I'm so freaking pissed off right now at myself. I had a trip to compete with some fellow students and I made up a story about losing my Driver's License on the way to the plane! just because my anxiety got so bad I had a meltdown trying to leave for the trip. Then today I'm saying to myself "You're supposed to be in NY" "what are you doing home?" Then I want to scream at myself WELL IT WAS YOU WHO MADE ME STAY!! ! LEAVE ME ALONE!! !

So I feel like a damn psycho! I give in to my anxiety, cancel the trip, feel immediately better that I don't have to share a hotel room with a near-stranger..... then today I get to beat myself up over being autistic, always canceling plans at the last minute, not following through on anything except giving up....

Today is that day that suicide is very appealing... I'm just so sick of getting people's and my hopes up just to do crappy in every situation I find myself in....

I'm just sooooo tired of this... .all of it.

I'm absent from my life. Every day. This is no way to live.

I think you should try not to be so hard on yourself. I have lost count of the holidays, day trips, parties, weddings, jobs and friendships I have missed out on. I often get all ready, complete with hair, nails and make-up done, and then I simply cannot leave the house. I feel such a failure, and it is embarrassing to cancel all the time. What I have tried to do is appreciate every time I do manage to do something. I write it down so I can look back and see the things I have gone to - because it is much easier to forget the small triumphs and remember the big failures. Each time I fail I try and think if there was anything that would have made me cope better, so I can learn something for next time.

I'm sure more people will come along and give much better advice, but in the meantime try and be kind to yourself. Do something that you enjoy, please don't punish yourself for something that is absolutely not your fault. It is completely normal to feel frustrated and disappointed but if you continue to have thoughts of suicide, please tell someone in real life.

Thank you Silky, sometimes it's so hard to see that perspective in the midst of it all. I really appreciate it! I actually turned this into something positive--I started a blog.

You are very welcome. A blog is such a good idea

You need to face the reality of your condition. By now you know that you are really not into social events, or trips with people you don't know that well, so don't agree to go on such trips or attend such events in the first place. That way there's no need to lie to people after making plans you can't follow through on. When such an event comes up, just tell people you have other plans. Even staying home is another plan, so it's not a lie.

I suggest you come up with simpler events to attend, that are closer to home--no overnight trips, at least for now.

- Try volunteering, at least once a week.
- Take a course in person at a local school.
- Take up a hobby. You can talk to others who share your interest.
- Join a club.
- Get involved in community events. Attend town meetings, go to events held at local libraries, attend sporting events, local fairs, and art shows, attend and/or participate in local theater groups.
- Take up martial arts. It's a way to meet people and to build up your confidence at the same time, while learning how to defend yourself.

Hope this helps. Now, chill!