despair - I do not understand

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I have not written in a long long while..
but I remember feeling safe here.

I apologize for vanishing, it was to safeguard myself.

Today started a good day for me.
I faced the disappointment that I felt when I got the letter from work telling me I was fired.
I felt it all and after that I was free.
It was over.
It was good.

I accept.

I face the world again.
I am more than just an employee.

I thought I would be strong enough to face another festering concern.
So I dived in and I am still in the middle of the trembling and despair.

I has been going on for hours.
It will not cease.
I feel I suffocate.

This fear is about trust.
About giving myself enough value that I do not need to lean on others to go on.

I kept myself afloat with illusionary wishes.
Or not.. I do not know.
I cannot tell.

I must be able to stand on my own feet.
And I end up sitting on the ground, feeling so hopelessly clueless.

How does this world work?

What is my place.
What can I expect.
Is this terrible loneliness it, is this what it will be like.
Forever?

Dare I dream of hope?
How bad it will hurt when it turns out to be misplaced.

Can I take the pain, the fear.
Can I learn to love.
Am I capable?

I do not know where to go with my life.

Help me.

if you had good attendance and were prompt, the old job should agree to give you a reference. apply for a new job.

who do you count on? any family? any savings?

money is okay
and job future I can now face

that was the first battle of today.. I was fleeing the emotion and it makes my shutdowns more frequent and causes panic attacks
it feels like I had won that battle

now I am in the middle of another one..
I dare not go into too much details, discretion

now I wonder what life is worth when I can not even stand on my own feet

not work-wise, but life-wise

and what if I do figure out where my feet go and I can stand

am I capable of sharing?

not pretending, I have been pretending my whole life
I only know that

I try to please others, they appreciate me and that gives my life worth

I look inside now

void

Money is okay but you cannot even stand on your own feet? I'm confused.

I have enough savings for years and monthly expenses I keep very low
I stand on my financial feet alright

it is difficult to find my words now
I feel so disconnected

it is like yelling underwater

I scream
I panic
I drown

I realize that I am not expressing myself very well

apologies

I try anew

my problem: I have always copied what others do and acted what I thought was most desired in any given situation.
I cannot do it anymore and am realizing what is going on and that I need to find a new way to live my life.

I am confused because I do that copying since kindergarten.

I feel like I am back at that age now.
And I can not express myself.

I wonder what my life will be like.
I wonder who I am.

ask yourself some simple things like your favorite color and your favorite food. these are things that are "you". eventually you'll graduate to things you like to do and don't like to do.

I like purple

mmm
and chocolate

and chocolate in purple wrapping

*deep sigh*

and I realize I am not alone
it is strrange

the solitude stems from my inability to consider another
hmmm