I just want to be happy

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I just want to be happy. Fulfilled. Comfortable, both physically and metaphysically. Loved

Instead, here's what I am:
I. Uncomfortable.
No matter where I go, I'm never comfortable. I'm too hot, too cold, the clothing doesn't sit right, my hair is itchy, everything is difficult, my knees hurt, I itch, I can't find a comfortable position, it's too noisy, the music keeps skipping, the wind is annoying. 24/7.
These sensory things are killing me, and I feel like they're driving me crazy.

II. Unloved
My friends don't give a d*** about me. They're spending their summers gleefully, while I am alone. I am not invited to their get-togethers. My words bore everyone. Everyone has grown tired of my troubles. No one heeds any call for help. No one enjoys my presence. No one wants to come close.
My mother doesn't love me. She loves herself. She's bipolar and won't get help, is barely scraping by, and NEEDS me. Needs me to love her. Needs me to validate her. Needs me to be there. Needs me to be NORMAL. I am never good enough because I am never normal. She needs me to like fashion. She needs me to want to be pretty. She needs me to want to be everything a NT wants to be. Heck, when I told her I was getting a diagnosis, she asked, "Do you think I have that too?"

I don't give a **** if you have it or not. Ok, well, I do, but right now, I'm trying to find out for myself. Can you not ruin it and make it more tough by asking me to psychoanalyze you yet again. I know what you need - medication for your Bipolar disorder, but you won't get help.

III. Unfulfilled.
My interests call me day and night, but when I go to "work" on them, I have a block. I can't enjoy them. I can't make progress. It's never good enough. I have a lot of talent and a lot of gifts, and I feel like I'm losing them, because of this, and because of the social crap, and because of the sensory stuff. Especially the sensory stuff. It gets in the way.
My systems don't work anymore. They fall apart. It's entropy to the maximum. It's miserable.

IV. Unhappy.
I had a meltdown yesterday. I couldn't find my keys and my money, and my systems weren't working. I tore apart the room, stimmed, paced, spun, yelled, cried, and all I could remember saying was that "I just want to be happy."
I had a month where I wasn't suicidal. Now, I'm back there.

I don't want to die. I just want to be happy.

Consider for a minute the way your mother needs you to help her be happy. It's the same sort of thing as you needing your friends and others for you to be happy. If you look at her situation through her eyes, it's like being in the situation you are in with your friends. If you look at your situation through your friends eyes, it's like being in the situation you are in with your mother.

I'm not sure how this would help at all, except maybe give you some perspective from both sides, but I thought I'd point it out because it's just occured to me.

Good luck.

Its the curse of being unable to relate with others and thus unrelateable to others.

I don't know if this is an option for you but have you considered maybe moving somewhere else and starting over without the baggage of familiarity?

The only problem with that is that I am 20 and in college, and Mom has been needing me to give her advice, provide emotional and financial support, since I was 15 and my stepdad ran off.
I am her only source for help, and she won't seek out any other source. She has no other friends, won't connect with family, and is manipulative: "If you don't do this, then I guess you don't love me." It's great to want to be connected to your daughter, but her neediness drains me. She's not being a mother, she's acting like my child.

I don't think my friends view me the same way I view my mother...I haven't been begging them to validate me for the past 5 years...I don't treat them like my mother treats me, at least I don't think I do.

Oh, I hope not.



I just finished my second year of college....I'm kind of stuck. And, I have done that before and my problems (social) follow me, because I simply can't relate with others.

Last edited by EstherJ on 11 May 2012, 1:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

How do I do two quotes within a post the right way??

you did not put the = sign in the code that is why it didn't work.

[ quote="Dantac" ]

Thanks

I have done this all my life-wandered from place to place-and unfortunately it never works. No matter where you go-your problems follow.

LOVE doesn't do that, though reasoning can be a lost cause. When she's pressuring you to do something that's not your place and says "how will I ever ____?" tell her "you're smart, I'm sure you'll think of something"

This is a challenge when parents are the trigger. It would be easier for me to stop leaving out food for a stray dog that bit me every time it saw me than to tell my mom to stow it

I can relate to what you're saying. My mother is like that too. She always manages to make everything about her needs. And it tires me out.

I can't help but wonder if the way she's treated me has affected the way I treat others, but you're right a mother becoming a child in a relationship and I child having to take on the role of a parent is different to being a friend who just wants to be included when her friends go out for dinner.

I'm sorry I don't know the answer, but you are not alone.