Meltdown woes :(

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The other day I went to meditation in the Sikh tradition for the first time, but it was in their gurdwara or temple. I had been to community Sikh meditation as someone who agrees with their principles but was not born a Sikh (I'd call my spiritual principles a mix of Buddhism and Sikhism as a Western convert) many times before, yet I ran into issues at the gurdwara.

I bought myself a kara (a simple steel bangle that is the main religious symbol of a Sikh), which didn't fit. One of the people I knew from the meditation group offered to swap a spare kara she didn't want that would fit me and suggested the gurdwara would welcome it if I gave to them as a gift.

I wasn't sure about the context of the gift, but I saw a little sacred area were people give charity or spiritual gifts in the temple and I put the bracelet there. There was a female 'worship leader' (Sikhism does not have any clergy, because it rejects the perceived problems of many authoritarian religions, so anyone can volunteer for a session to lead it- heck I could be the leader for one service!) who said thank you and offered the Indian sweets that are given as a blessing for everyone in the service.

However, an elderly woman came forward and presented money to the holy area and then commented 'did someone leave their kara by accident?' The woman at the area giving the sweets out said 'it's an offering'. I thought it would be polite to explain that I gave it. But the older lady got frantic and started shouting and me and had a very confrontational air, yelling 'why? why?' 'Don't put it there put it on this different area'.

I was terrified, because I don't react well to people getting confrontational with me, yet if anyone tells me off I feel I suffer guilt and the emotional turmoil is horrible. I was removed from school because my teachers never accepted my sensory and communication issues (I wasn't diagnosed with autism then though; I only sought help when I had similar problems in the years when I went back to schooling after years of home-schooling) and verbally and then repetitively sexually abused me as punishment. I still react to someone telling me off with flashbacks and a sense of guilt.

I managed to restrain myself the other day, but I have ended up having flashbacks and self harming to deal with my anger. I wish I had said something to stick for myself- in the same way I wish I hadn't let myself get raped in my youth. I have an obsession with 'justice' and rules- I know this is a common autistic trait. If I didn't restrain myself I would have maybe ran out of the temple or caused a scene argument- which is not nice is a place for religious contemplation! At the same time, I internalise feelings and they lead to dangerous behaviours like self harm.

Does anyone have advice on appropriate ways of dealing with these meltdowns in public places?

I suppose a further issue here is: as someone is a convert Sikh, I am an 'outsider' and won't know all the dos and don'ts of the gurdwara. I do wonder if that person got nasty because I placed something sacred on the floor and that in most religions would be insulting right?

Sikhism does welcome everyone of any or no religion to their temple to sit on the meditation area and also share their langar- it's a meal that is dished out for everyone seek or not that wishes to eat it and in India the langar kitchens are major soup kitchens for the poor because Sikhs are so accepting.

The only do's and don'ts they requested were:
-Do not bring alcoholic beverages, meat, drugs or other intoxicants to the premise.
-Do not smoke in the temple or
-Cover your head and do not wear overtly exposed clothing and remove your shoes

However, this doesn't cover the dos and don'ts of worship. A gurdwara seems more a place of devotions rather than the meditation sessions, so there are protocols for the worship I don't know so I worry if I would give offense? I did get the feeling they may welcome all in principle but not everyone will be welcoming in practice if you don't know the rules.

This is a double-edged sword. I'm sure a lot of people who have adopted Sikhism from non-Indic heritage have these issues, but for someone like me with Asperger's my failure to understand social rules affects both my own culture and other social/cultural rules.

Well, I really feel for you there, very much relate to your responses.

I would have to say though, that the elder woman was out of line in her outburst, as she must by now -- after all her years of experience -- be aware that newbies will occasionally make well-meaning mistakes.
The Sikh approach to a newbie mistake is supposed to be understanding, acceptance, observation of the good intentions, and guidance.

Who knows what may be happening in her life to cause her to behave that way...she could be in a state of chronic pain, or she may have a psychological issue that prevents considered reaction...whatever it is, don't burden yourself with guilt.
It was very confronting for you, but turn the focus back to her, with compassion for her problem(s), as they surely do exist.

I think this is a very good technique, something which I have been covering briefly in CBT, so I feel these other ways of looking at things to diffuse my hurt are good.

Just curious, because I noticed the way you wrote (and maybe I assume this if some writes profoundly!) are you of any particular spiritual path?

I meditate
Have been doing so since childhood, with much appreciation too.
Not affiliated with any one religion though...more of an interfaith approach.