What do you do when nothing is left?

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So I figured I'd try and get help for my PTSD I still plan to do so, But I don't know that I have enough hope left for the programs offered. I just don't know...I don't know what to do I just get a feeling my current way of life wont last and it can really only go worse from here. Trying to see a reason to keep going but I cant see hardly any.

I just channel my defiance against the things that stand between me and survival. I have yet to defeat some things (tobacco, for instance) but it's worked well enough for other things.

I just honestly don't give a crap anymore...I wish my mom would just kick me out then at least I'd have to face the harsh reality and try very hard to survive. My PTSD symptoms of always watching for danger would come in handy I suppose...

who the hell am I? I don't know what I want or what to do.

It's always really hard when you're dependant on others for your living situation. Home probably won't be the last one you're in, perhaps not even the worst. Getting kicked out sucks. I called a friend who I heard had a place, that I hadn't seen in a year or two. He said they had a room. I moved in. Since I'd seen him last, he'd become a heroine addict. There was a bunch of them living there. They had no room; one of them moved into a room with another one so they could share more rent, pay less money, buy more drugs. They had a dog. They let it s**t on the floor. One morning I went down to make coffee, and there were a bunch of people there who had been up all night, laughing and spraying blood on the ceiling with syringes. Home didn't seem so bad, then.

I was lucky, I met this girl who wanted to kick her boyfriend out, but couldn't afford the rent by herself. We made a deal and she kicked him out and I moved in. I was out of the other place about 2 months after I moved in. Pure luck, though. 2 years later she met some guy and wanted to move in with him, and now I couldn't afford the rent by myself. I got a roommate. A few months later he drank all his rent money and couldn't pay. I couldn't cover it. So I moved back home. We got along ok then, but after just a few months, my mom sold the house and moved to another city, her job got transferred. I couch-cruised for a bit, before finding someone looking for a roommate. There was more of the same sort of stuff for some years, I won't bother telling all about it because you probably get the general idea, this is what it is like to live on minimum wage. Then I met a girl, moved in together, and been together since then, which was in the late 90s. Now I want to leave. And I'm still sort of in the same boat, except there is a way I can cover rent by myself, its just going to take til January or February (which coincides nicely with her finishing school, since she went back). It's driving me crazy to be here but I know better than to get impatient, I know to plan and save and be secure.

s**t's never easy. 20 years of crap I went through, one crisis to the next. It's too bad you didn't finish college. That would have given you lots of options. The more urgently you need to get out of a situation, the more likely you'll just wind up in one that's even worse.

Last edited by edgewaters on 05 Jun 2012, 10:33 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I have PTSD too. And I do value the hypervigilance side of things.

You are an individual, your experience is valid, and something will come up because this is the nature of being alive. Everything changes, sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, sometimes self-directed, sometimes directed by circumstance..

The programs offered may be useless, or not, or a bit of each. There is something to gain in just the action of trying to improve your life. Keep going, with or without a reason. Alot doesn't make sense, but it brings you a step further in your life, it all adds up to something, and to the overall sense of who you might be, now and in the future.

Well I could easily move in with a guy I recently met....but of course I am not sure i can trust him yet and I cannot commit to a relationship of any sort as I am rather mental...but screwing around can be ok in some situations.

I can relate with what Edgewater is saying, my independent living experience was a lot like his first couple of roommates. I probably would have lasted longer than the 3 months I was out had my mom not lost her job and needed help, but yeah I had a decent place in a decent area but the people I was stuck with were classic nutjobs that almost lost us getting the spot in the first place, but due to my lack of the social gene I didn't know anyone better, or even that I had any options.

Well I'd say try it with this new dude but get yourself a little .22 or something he doesn't have to know about, or something else that might be effective as abuse prevention

This is the guy who said he'd be your friend even if you didn't date, right? You could even just be straight up and ask for his help as a friend (or FWB if that's what you want), with no promises or commitment attached, take it or leave it. It's hardly ideal and it might get weird later on, but given that some of the stuff you're writing lately sounds like you're on the verge of a breakdown, it might buy you some breathing room to figure out how you want to proceed. And if he agrees with full knowledge, you're not taking advantage, long as you've been straight up. But you might want to be prepared for weirdness down the road even so, just depends on what sort of person he is.

But who knows, maybe he's awesome and you'll have a blast with him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Life is full of risk. Better than just sitting and waiting for your world to end, maybe.

Why not take online college classes?

hmm, well if if it wasn't for the PTSD I might have, but schools wether its a college, elementary school, middle school or highschool tend to kinda trigger the symptoms...and lots of people walking around doesn't help matters. And I guess that's kind of the thing I don't really care if it gets worse if I get kicked out....I guess it feels like it would get worse anyways.

well yeah, if i move in with anyone it would probably be my other friend that I know much better then that dude...I was just throwing that out there as one idea, just based on him saying he wanted to help with things or whatever if he could. And obviously if we did end up dating its possible we might want to live together but I don't even know if things would go that way at all. I am not exactly mentally prepared for any sort of serious relationship.

-lack of the means to pay for it.
-I highly doubt I could focus/concentrate on it
-lack of motivation since I doubt any degree I got could be put to good use

What's the situation at this friend's place? Is it a party atmosphere? I'd avoid it, if so, given the fact you're having trouble cutting back on drinking (I wouldn't worry overmuch about the smoking really, though financially it can be quite a burden) and party atmospheres simply do not make for very good living situations at all, if you have AS. You won't be able to function and you won't be able to make any progress with anything. Then you'll be in crisis when the friend finds some other living situation.

If it's not that sort of atmosphere ... very, very good idea, much better option than moving in with this guy for now.

There's possibly another option too. If you can get on disability, and the payments are enough, perhaps supplemented by part-time work, you might consider renting your own place. You need about double whatever the average rent is, for one person to survive. Slightly less is usually doable.

Just weigh out your options. When you're in a steady state of mind, sit down and think them through, calculate the lesser evil and break a plan down into smaller steps. Good luck.

Well the whole idea with the SSI is I can't really work...but maybe the disability would be enough for that. Thing is though I don't really want to rent my own place and be alone there, lets just say things get kind of weird when I'm alone too long so I kind of would prefer living with someone I can trust. The friend I know better said its possible when he moves out of his families cabin me and him could split rent somewhere else when I get on SSI.

But yeah other then that I would rather be homeless than have to deal with some of my families crap. I don't hate my mom or never want to talk to her again....its just living with her and her boyfriend that's the problem. And well I don't know it's just she doesn't really understand me either and probably would not approve of the real me....though I am not entirely sure what that is myself. I mean being there in my room when I'm alone I can feel how I feel or whatever but once I go out the door into the rest of the house I end up having to put on the 'Im ok and even in a friendly mood act.' and I just can't take the stress of doing that. The other option is not covering it up but then that results in arguments and such. I mean I feel like at least if I was homeless I wouldn't have to try and hide behind some act and try and pretend to be fine when I'm not because my mom would not be there to yell at me about it or to stress me out by me worrying that she doesn't approve or whatever.

Yeah it's the same idea here with disability (we call it ODSP) you're supposed to be incapable of working, but, they encourage you to work once you're on; they'll give you bonuses if you do, actually (but they also deduct 50% of your earnings from your ODSP payments - but people are still ahead to do it anyway). Part time work is not nearly so hard as fulltime. Some people get work just delivering flyers and stuff like that, couple times a week, easy stuff psychologically (bit demanding physically but not that bad). I don't know what the rules are over there but I bet they don't discourage you from working a little bit, once you're on.



That sounds like a really good option. Even if he's a party person you can always make a deal not to crap where you live.



If the choice is suicide, homelessness, possible party house, or guy you don't know, I would pick one of the latter two if I were you. Question of the lesser evil.



Heh. If you're homeless everyone will have leverage on you, and most of them will use it. You'll be jumping through some a**holes hoop fifty times a day just to eat and sleep, and people will abuse you in the worst ways imaginable. Avoid this at all costs. It is not as free as it looks. Its like having thousands of your mom and her bf, plus much worse people, in control of you. You'll be a public utility for every abusive personality in the entire area.