Alone, not dealing well

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I feel guilty posting in the haven. I read the posts here, but almost never reply. Not good at comforting. Then I post, as though I expect people to reply to me when I don't do the same for them.

But things are not good for me right now. Been apart from my gf for a week and a half now. And she is my entire social circle. Don't have anyone else to talk to. No friends.

Not working right now, so for ten days it's been "go look for work, go home, sit alone for 12 hours, go to bed." we talk on the phone as much as we can, but that's only maybe an hour a day, usually less. I don't get on well with my family, I can't really go to them for company.

I've done this before. The not talking to anyone at all thing. For months. It was one of the worst times of my life. And this is bringing all those feelings back.

I come to WP, I try to have conversations. No one seems interested. Not their job to be, I know.

Edgy. Antsy. Don't like this. Just want to feel like there's someone there.

My grandfather committed suicide a few years back. He'd alienated everyone in his life so much, with his undiagnosed aspie tendencies, that it was over a month before anyone found out he'd died.

I'm so scared I'm gonna end up like him.

I went through a very similar time in my life, and it feels like I've been paying for it ever since. The PTSD from being isolated is very real.

For me, it's like I can't take being around people, then I isolate myself, then I seem to forget how to interact with others and wind up alienating people. Being alone seems to change your whole perception of the world and make you feel like you'll never be able to be social again. I've been learning that I can.

If you want to talk, I'll listen.

Yes, that's exactly it. I don't know how to deal with people. It's hard, my stress levels spike, and I avoid them because it's just easier. And, for a little while, I enjoy the ease of being alone, the peace. But, given some time, the loneliness starts creeping back in. And it kills.

Having her around masked it, having one person who doesn't cause me that kind of stress. Being with her is almost as easy as being alone, without the loneliness. But she can't be there all the time, every second. I need friends. But I don't know how to find them. I'm too old now.

I'm lucky enough to have a husband, a man who has been with me through thick and thin for 25 years. There were a few years during that time when he wasn't around and that's when my isolation happened and I just seemed to mess up everything I did.

My therapist tells me I keep expecting to be rejected because of my past experiences. At this point I don't know how to balance the hope that I might make new friends and the caution I was forced by experience to learn. As a result I'm hot and cold; I'm overdo it; I talk my head off and am not always sure what I'm saying, or I clam up and can't say much of anything--sometimes to the same people, which really confuses them. My therapist thinks my being around people will dull the sensitivity I have towards them, and in some sense that's true, but then something happens--somebody says something or does something--that throws me for a loop.

It's hard to gauge what people mean by what they say and do and to try to keep from reacting either to strongly to it or not at all.

I can relate very much to being "hot and cold." On the rare occasions when I do feel at ease with someone, I become very outgoing. Annoys some, but usually I'm pretty well liked when I act like that. But then I'll go back to my usual self. Quiet and aloof. And it's not caused by anything they've said or done. Rather, it's caused by my confusion about, or misinterpretation of, something they've said or done. And this confuses them, pushes them away.

But I don't even know how to find people to be around anymore. It was easier when I was younger, in school and stuff. Meet people there, where you're all stuck together, then they introduce you to some people, who introduce you to other people, who do the same. And there's this constant cycling of the social circle so that, even if I drove people away, there'd be new people to spend time with. I don't know how to meet people without someone to introduce us.

I kinda thought of gf's friends as my friends too. That was a mistake. I mean, these are people I've hung around for years now. Talk, joke, do stuff. But turns out that when she's not around, they have no time for me. I mean, s**t, it's not like I was looking for anything crazy from them. Just someone to have a meal with or something, you know? Just trying to have an hour or two where I'm not by myself, but apparently that's too much to ask.

Thank you for talking to me. I know I'm just some random internet person, but right now it really means a lot.

That's just like me. When I first went to Grad School I was open and happy and outgoing, but then I had one of my "paranoid trips" and just holed up with a single person from my class who seemed to feel like I did. That was a gigantic mistake I can never take back. I know what triggered it: I had an assignment for a class in a group project, one that I couldn't figure out heads or tails how to deal with. I freaked out and dropped the class. One of the people in the class, a real go-getter, seemed to take it personally that I quit. It just added to my initial panic about having to do a project that involved interviewing other people the whole dimension of having someone have hard feelings towards me. I started feeling like the whole world was turning against me, which didn't really happen, even after I withdrew socially. It must have seemed extremely odd, and people can't just poke around inside your head to know what you're experiencing our how you're feeling.

I also made the mistake of thinking my husband's friends were also my friends. One of them, when I was an undergrad, really did a number on me by gossiping about me. Another, after college, thought I was coming on to him (which never even crossed my mind) and was really mean about it, spreading rumors and leering at me whenever I saw him.. I got so depressed and ashamed and literally scared to leave home without my husband, until I got counseling.

Thank you for talking to me too. It's nice to meet someone who understands this stuff.

I generally go for months at a time--through the winter--without talking to anyone, except on rare trips to a local mini mart when food runs low/out. I'm okay with it, as I am an introverted hermit type of person. I do email relatives off and on throughout the year, and occasionally manage to get to the phone before the answering machine hangs up. In the warm months my father and step mom are back up here at their summer home, so I see at least him once a week. He drops off his garbage and checks on me. His town has no garbage pick, and charges people when they drop off at the town dump. He and my step mom own the trailer I rent from them. My garbage pick up is included in the lot fee, so my dad uses my cans to dump his stuff. My younger brother lives a block away from my parent's summer home, but he works nights, and his steep dirt driveway is either a sea of mud or an ice/snow sliding board throughout much of the winter, so he can't stop by much to see me, then. I have health problems that make it hard for me to get out much, so I don't go visiting my relatives much. I don't have long distance service, so I can't call anyone far away. I just use emails to contact any relatives who are too far away for local calls.

I really prefer being alone, so it works out okay for me that I am alone most of the time. However, I do like being able to hang out here at WP. I'm not interested in joining a general social site, like Facebook. GASP!!!--Not on Facebook?! !! Hermits are not big on joining things. If we were, we wouldn't be hermits.

I guess my special interests keep me alive. I write a screenplay. It takes a year so I'm alive for a year. I then work on an album. It takes a year so I'm alive for one more year. I'm in the midst of finishing a short story. When I'm done I'm thinking about creating another album. That'll be one more year of life. And. so on and so forth. Just to break up the monotony of writing maybe I'll start painting, anything to keep me from offing myself.

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Last edited by smudge on 08 Jun 2012, 1:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sweet Pea hugs

Yeah, I know what it's like to feel attacked by others when there's something you just can't do. I wanna tell them I'm not lazy, I'm not stupid, I don't know what I'm doing and I'm scared, why can't you see that!? But that's too embarrassing to say out loud.

Thankfully my gf is the type that, if her friend treats me poorly, she'll end the friendship. These people didn't wrong me in some way (though it's hard not to feel like they did), they don't owe me anything. I just feel foolish, thinking there was more of a friendship with me than there really was.

Glad I'm not the only person not to drink the facebook kool-aid. I'm pretty introverted, myself. I definitely do need some alone time. But, I don't know, maybe it's low self esteem or something, but eventually my own company isn't enough. People stress me the holy hell out, but it's hard for me to see value in myself if I don't feel like there's anyone there to notice me or what I do.

I wish mine could keep me going like that. But it's far too pricey to be able to indulge myself, other than reading about it. Cars, by the way. Until recently, I had a fantastic job (well, the pay sucked, but whatever). Driving prototypes from all the major manufacturers around LA, doing durability testing. Best part was, the only thing coworkers ever wanted to talk about was what we we driving, the one subject where I can hold up my end of the conversation. If I were still doing that for ten hours a day, this wouldn't be getting to me nearly as much.

Thank you. Fair-mindedness is extremely important to me, and I try very hard to show it. I worry, whenever I express an opinion, that people will see me as blindly following one side or the other, be it a discussion of politics (I'm moderate, neither wholly liberal nor wholly conservative) or gender (I think both genders have their own unique challenges) or any of a thousand other things. I'm glad that you see, even if you don't always agree with me, that I do at least try to see both sides. You strike me as similar in that regard, you don't hold back your opinions but you do treat the people you disagree with with respect.

Thank you. Like I said once before, you are by far the kindest internet person I've ever encountered.

HaHa pea HUGZS! And that is a part of life man i went through it to it will get better bud.