I am confused... I am not a mind reader...

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I was told that I was being disrespectful, and pissing people off, and, "whether it is on purpose or by accident doesn't matter." Apparently correcting people makes them angry, as well as not spending time with someone without them asking, not cleaning something without them asking, and not doing something i never knew I had to do. And apparently a lot of other things people refuse to mention.

I am constantly given a talking to by my parents for doing things wrong that I either did not know was wrong, or did not know I was even doing. And apparently not knowing it is wrong, or not knowing I do it at all, is no excuse?

How am I supposed to stop doing something I either don't know i do or act like , or know something is wrong innately? I have tried to learn ESP, but failed.

This confuses me...

You don't need to have ESP, that's why they're telling you - so you know. Without being there it's hard to say if they're being fair or not but it's a normal part of parenting to correct one's children and point out what they're doing wrong, so they can grow and learn. Some parents are good at doing this without bruising egos, others aren't. And of course some use this as an excuse to belittle their children and take out their frustrations on them. But all parents, good or bad, do this - precisely because people don't have ESP. If they never corrected you, how would you know what you were doing wrong?

But they treat me as if I should just, know! And consider that everything I am doing wrong is on purpose as an attack against authority, their words not mine. i am OK with correction, but what they are doing does not make logical sense to me...

I agree. Unfortunately there isn't a formal "parent" school and especially not one for parents of children with autism/asperger's.

I get this a lot from my fiance when he's frustrated with me. He usually knows that I have problems with things like sarcasm and intuition and verbal/non-verbal communication, but if he's frustrated out come the "not knowing is not an excuse!" comments.

Actually, it is partly true. The world does not owe you anything and will not care that you are unaware of the social misconceptions surrounding you. This might be the point that your parents are trying to get at, even if they may be going about it in a hurtful way. That is why I felt it was important to take classes on communication.

I've mentioned this on a few other posts, but Interpersonal Communication was one of the best classes I've taken. Maybe I just got an excellent teacher, but in the class we went through all of the things that are usually "implied" in social interactions and we talked about actual specifics like how to not come across as defensive or bored, or how to tell if someone is angry/sad/happy... it was really enlightening for me.

I also liked cultural anthropology and sociology. Those classes helped me to see the reasons why people act certain ways socially at certain times but not at others. It helped me see the "big picture".

I still get things wrong and my fiance and I have miscommunications all the time, especially if either of us haven't had our appropriate sleep/nutrition/exercise. However, communication is a two-way street. I wish you well in getting your parents to understand that you are not trying to challenge their authority, just trying unsuccessfully at times to do something that doesn't come easily to you. Make sure they know that you are OK with correction and even welcome it, but you are not OK with being told that you should naturally and inherently know the correct social rules, and are not OK with any demeaning comments.

Maybe they would be willing to sit down with you and practice if you get something wrong. Have you considered bringing that up with them? Usually when an issue comes up I will ask my fiance what a more appropriate response/method is, and then redo the whole act. Sometimes that's too annoying for him, but when he's OK with it I find that the reinforcement helps out. Practice makes (closer to) perfect!

My wife and I have this rule of ours. If our kid didn't know it was wrong, then we tell her it was wrong but do not punish her. If she does it again after we have told her, then we punish. Within reason of course. If it's something very obvious for her age, like don't poor water into the TV), then we might punish her somehow even though we never told her explicitly.
(when I say "punish", I mean a stern talking to, or housearrest or similar, I do not mean punish as in violence of any kind)

Perhaps you could ask your parents to be lenient the first time you do something wrong if they never told you it was wrong?

Every time you make a mess, clean it. eg. If you eat, put the dirty dishes you use in the kitchen sink. Hang up your towel in the bathroom you use. If you make yourself something to eat, put the food back away and wipe the crumbs off the counter top and into the trash. Put the trash can back where you got it.

Lot of people don't like to be corrected so don't correct them.

Well, I think you seem pretty sensible, it's difficult to say but your parents are probably burnt out from raising kids and working etc, this sort of thing happens when people run out of energy and get frustrated, they're not always going to do things to the best of their ability (but don't say that to them!). I bet if you never resist and just agree and comply, after a while they might feel guilty about their approach and stop being so confrontational. Not in a sullen way ("yes, master") but just as casually as you can manage ("You're right, I'll try not to be such a critic, sorry") - even if you're just burning to point out their error. Because people tend to be more instinctual than logical in their daily life. If they keep asking why you don't understand and why they keep having to correct you, just say you're trying, and you really appreciate their help, and you wish it wasn't so frustrating for both of you, or something along those lines.

Sometimes I watch the Dog Whisperer and think about people instead of dogs ... there are lots of similarities, you know.

Last edited by edgewaters on 11 Jun 2012, 2:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Good advice.

Treat other people's stuff with respect. If you use it, return it to the condition you found it.

People don't like to be corrected all the time. People say dumb stuff all the time, I let it go. Now there are times I will say something. For example:

John says the Battle of Hastings was fought in Turkey=he's an idiot but I prob wouldn't say anything.

John is about to buy a new computer that is over priced and under powered=I'd speak up.

What you can do is instead of constantly correcting; look for opportunities to help. Going back to the above; if John said "I am thinking about getting a new computer" I might say "I know a lot about computers, I'd be happy to help you if you have any questions."

People will come to respect your knowledge and seek your opinion; and it's not rude to correct someone if they ask for advice.